Friday, 7 January 2011

News, Views and Music Issue 86 (Top Ten): AAA Predictions For 2011

So, what does 2011 hold in store for us? Bearing in mind that, as the Rolling Stones put it, ‘you can’t always get what you want’ and that most of our list seems exceedingly unlikely, here’s what we’d like to see happen in our first top five of the year...

5) Alan’s Album Archives becomes the in-site with the insights this year (© Spareroom Studios 2011), picking up more awards than a Radiohead album, with more hits than a malfunctioning computer and more visitors than the anti-coalition student protests. Well, we live in hope. A few extra hundred visitors a month and an ‘I read so much of your site I fell asleep’ award will do us, honest.

4) Talking of which, our next wish for 2011 is that David Cameron finally wakes up, says ‘what am I doing here, I have no policies and I’m out of my depth’ and hands the prime minister-ship to Nick Clegg. Who surprises us all by reverting to the talented and popular politician he used to be a year ago. In tandem, the financial credit crunch crisis will then be over, without Cameron around to spread gloom and false statistics to the Daily Mail and friends and the economy will then be far more stable, with the music industry in particular reporting a huge boom in sales (courtesy of this website, naturally).

3) A treasure trove of lost finds from the BBC archives, including a complete set of Top Of The Pops, Ready Steady Go!s and Jukebox Juries (as well as the missing monochrome Dr Who episodes). All of the above are found in the White House archives where various presidents have ‘borrowed’ them and forgotten to put them back – well, if four episodes of ‘The Tomb Of The Cybermen’ can turn up 25 years after transmission in the vaults of a Mormon Church then anything’s possible!

2) Fantastic new records by every single AAA band – including some wonderful posthumous releases from those who sadly aren’t around anymore – with a permanent AAA top 10 the whole year. Hmm, unlikely I know, but it’s still the most likely outcome of any of this list – after all, CSN sound like they’ve got a good covers album coming out this year with producer Rick Rubin, who produced the last and best Johnny Cash records and the Stones are preparing to record their new one too...

1) The Spice Girls retire! Yes folks, we’ve been waiting for it for years – the day when posh and tremendously rich spice, really really scary spice, used to be sporty now middle aged and overweight spice, not-so-baby spice and old spice finally decide en masse to retire and admit that their 15 minutes in the spotlight is over. It’s 15 years overdue and counting so it must happen soon... 

Oh and here’s a more likely scenario:

5) Your website scribe is finally committed to the rest home for Monkeynuts authors after being surrounded by furious Spice Girls fans demanding reviews of ‘Spiceworld – The Movie’.

4) David Cameron starts revealing his plans for world domination to the press and starts stroking cats during his public broadcasts. Nick Clegg, the true heir to the political throne, is found in mysterious circumstances with a pickaxe in his head after daring to speak out against Coalition policies. The Daily Mail becomes the coalition’s official paper and after 20 years of promises house prices finally tumble.

3) The BBC accidentally wipe all their existing Top Of The Pops and Ready Steady Go!s (they’ve already wiped all but one Jukebox Jury!) And all of their modern Dr Who’s. Because in a move to make programmes for people with lower IQs George Bush Junior is appointed head of BBC One and accidentally wipes them all with a big red button.

2) All AAA bands are dropped by their respective record companies because from now on all records will have to have some connection to High Street Musical, X-Factor or Strictly Come Dancing to secure a release. This means that decades of AAA brilliance will be reduced to Lulu singing in a school uniform and Paul McCartney singing a duet with Ann Widdicombe.

1) The Spice Girls are back with their new single ‘crrrredit crrrrunch girrrrl powerrrr’ and a new 3D version of their film ‘Spiceworld’ with a guesting computer animated version of Michael Jackson. Both projects make #1 in 58 countries and people’s heads everywhere explode.

So, which reality is more likely? Keep reading ‘News, Views and Music’ throughout the year to find out...