Note: this issue looks better if you view it with the clipart pictures at www.alansalbumarchives.moonfruit.com! For some reason we can only show you the pictures at the start of the text not where they should be - so we've numbered them all for you to look at in order!) News, Views and Music Issue – 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (The audio tour of the ‘Alan’s Album Archives Museum’, with guest host Max The Singing Robot Dog)“We No Longer Have Anything To Do With Disgraced Company BoFace TM Time Travel Experiments, Honest” The Earth’s favourite monkeynuts music newsletterAlso available in ‘Hellopshere’, ‘Belobrat’ ‘Zigorosian’ ‘Mekkron’ ‘Mrasianarts’ ‘Clandusprod’ ‘Gammedd’ and ‘Kllingon’FREE WITH ADMISSION: A THREE-HEADED ‘I’VE ALAN’S ALBUM ARCHIVED!’ T-SHIRT, A MAX THE DOG BADGE AND AN MP90 LISTENING POD CONTAINING A SIDELOAD OF TODAY’S TOUR NOW THE 9TH MOST INFLUENTIAL WEBSITE IN THE WESTERN SPIRAL GALAXY!Price of admission: 8 Quargs or 32 ZaluptiotsWEBSITE CREATOR ALAN WAS AWARDED AN OBE BY THE CLANDUSPROD QUEEN IN 2055, A KNIGHTHOOD BY THE CAMELOT KNIGHTS FOR HIS PIONEERING USE OF TIME TRAVEL IN 866, A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE IN 2047 FOR HELPING TO END THE COALITION UNCIVIL WAR AND AN ECDL (Earth-Clandusprod Digital Licence) BY THE EARTH REPUBLIC IN 2080 FOR SERVICES TO I.T.>ALAN’S ALBUM ARCHIVES, NOW TWINNED NOW WITH ‘THE MEKKRON MUSIC MUSEUM’ ‘LIZZIE’S LONG-PLAYER LIBRARY’ AND ‘ROSIE’S RECORD RAMBLINGS’
SPONSORED BY HMV2 (‘His Mrasianart’s Vocalchords’) and THE ROYAL WINDSOR DRY-CLEANERS (for all those stubborn beheading stains other powders just can’t remove)01/04/ 7113
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Ah, finally, there you are, I’ve been expecting you! Allow me to welcome you all to the audio tour for Alan’s Album Archives Museum here on planet Sprokkion! (Twinned with ‘Lizzie’s Longplayer Library’ ‘The Mekkron Music Museum’ and ‘Rosie’s Record Ramblings’ since 2525!) I’m sure you don’t need any introduction as to who I am – I’m Max The Singing Robot Dog, the third android double closely modelled on the much revered genuine article which you can of course see, stuffed, in the cabinet behind you. How handsome I am still, despite being several thousand years old!
What a treat we have for you dear listeners, as we seek to rekindle your memories of what it was like to live on planet Earth all those millennia ago, when music came in funny ‘Ipod’ packages, everyone’s favourite read was a website called ‘Alan’s Album Archives’ and the world still thought that a Coalition was a fair and democratic solution to stalemates in general elections. How times change!
Along the way on this tour we’ll be having a look at the exhibits that have been kindly donated to us by AAA musicians past and present as well as some rare exhibits you may have thought were only myths until today! On your left the view is not terribly inspiring, oh but on your right!... Yes, that’s right, we have a copy of the very first edition of the site published in the pre-civilised ‘dark ages’ of 2008 as well as the one billionth and last issue release from 2063 shortly before our website creator ended up in the old folk’s home for monkeynuts authors.
Yes, there really was an end – of sorts – although it did take four re-writes of every single AAA album, 504 specials, three android duplicates and 50 years being re-incarnated as a squirrel before our founder finally decided to stop. The AAA books have, by the way, recently been re-issued for the 75th time on Penguin Book’s music franchise ‘Flamingo’ available in our gift shop.
We set up this museum so that people who still wanted the thrill of having News, Views and Music released every week could experience it without having to buy those ancient hologram-converter machines and for the first two thousand years this museum was a ginormous success, helped in part no doubt by the fact that ‘Planet Beatles’ was only half a light year down the road.
Once we ran out of records to discuss, this museum became our main way of keeping up the site’s mandate of preserving the past for future generations and saving things that might otherwise be forgotten. It’s been said by many clever men and clandusprods that there is a message of life to be had in this collection of music if you have the time and capacity to take it all in. That if you combine all the thoughts, insights and inspiration gathered together by the 30 odd AAA artists you reach such an epiphany of feeling you suddenly understand what life is really about. That if you take in all the AAA shades from Red Rose Speedways and Moody Blues to Village Greens, Pink Floyds and White Albums you might finally understand the mysteries of life, the universe and everything. Don’t ask me about that though. I’m just a robot dog.
We are of course indebted to those who have donated items to the museum. We were particularly pleased at the purchase of John Lennon’s house, flown out here to the planet Sprakkion especially after we learnt the International Trust wanted to sell, the addition of Mike Nesmith’s bobble hat from a Monkees collector late last year and even the original Lulu herself when she got her android double update. We also took pity on our old enemies The Spice Girls and had them stuffed by a taxidermist for our ‘corridor of nightmares’ (it didn’t cost a lot to stuff Posh Spice).
We also have the very first ever AAA album (‘The Beach Boys’ Surfin Safari’ from 1962 would you believe!) and the last from 2087 (and wouldn’t you know it? It’s a live Rolling Stones CD!) Not to mention our original model of Philosophy Phil (who rusted circa 2058 but has been lovingly restored by the AAA Memories Foundation) and the ‘Rhodesium’ disc given to Paul McCartney by the Guinness Book Of World Records and passed on to us when it was discovered it was poisonous (thanks Paul! Err, I think!) We also have the AAA staff’s collection of honorary third ears granted to us by the bountiful Clandusprod empire the day they decided not to disintegrate Earth (by virtue of discovering Alan’s Album Archives) and the Earth’s first ‘revival’ machine donated by the planet Belobrat that stopped humans aging or dying. What a lucky break that was ladies, gentleman and alien beings!
Later on this tour we’ll be taking you past the AAA exhibits in alphabetical order (in true Alan’s Album Archives fashion), punching up an old hologram edition of the News, Views and Music online magazine at random, trying to track down Nelson (who is now on his sixth regeneration and yet is still lost in time) and discussing the story planned for the AAA-sponsored Dr Who 5050th anniversary special in the works!
While I’m here, I must stop a minute and remind you that while we try and keep entry prices down to a minimum we do have sponsors and I am legally obliged to tell you Starsystem Bucks Coffee is available in the foyer (and now after a millennium long court case they even pay intergalactic tax!), our very own MaxDonalds serve the best fast food (just don’t watch the documentary film ‘Supersize My Planet’) whilst the formerly disgraced Royal Windsor dry cleaning service is the best that plebs can buy!
I’m obliged to remind you, too, that the Alan’s Album Archive gift show will be open all day with t-shirts available in two, three and four head sizes, badges featuring yours truly, some clandusprod AAA jam jars, a range of 968 AAA books for your bookshelf and those odd little pens that only ever work when you use them in the shop and never when you actually get home.
Well, I can see my grand-doggy daughter Maxine is trying to get my attention by waving her cane at me, so I shall move off and let you find your own way round the museum. Your audio headsets should all start playing once you are out of the door and I shall be here if you need me, ready to answer any questions at the end of your journey.
Bon voyage dedicated AAA followers, may you enjoy your nostalgic trip through the history of Alan’s Album Archives! Do be warned though, we are having some repairs made at the moment so do be warned that some exhibits work better than others...
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WHY TRAVEL BY CAR WHEN YOU CAN GO BY CLANDUSPROD? CALL 0800-444-789-CAN-DU-SPROD FOR MORE DETAILS
The Austounders: This year’s exhibit features a model of original guitarist Monkee in a re-creation of a bed he liked to use and drummer Dog’s spare legs dressed in his trademark dungarees
Beach Boys: In 2040 the surviving Beach Boys donated Dennis Wilson’s original surfboard, an outtake from the photo session for ‘Pet Sounds’ (showing a tiger eating Al Jardine) and a pair of false teeth as used on the front of Brian Wilson’s first 2001 edition of ‘Smile’
Beatles: I’m sure you’ll agree that John Lennon’s Mendips house now looks better than ever supplanted to a Sprokkion landscape with three moons and orange skies! We also have on display the copy of ‘My Bonnie’ that ‘Raymond Jones’ (really our columnist Nelson) bought from Brian Epstein in 1961, a piece of toast used by George Harrison and kept in a scrapbook by a fan, some pieces taken from Beatles bedsheets the night they played Shea Stadium, an original clandusprod edition of the ‘Flip Your Wig’ game and a first edition mono copy of The White Album numbered 000000008 and owned by the man who used to walk Ringo’s granny’s neighbour’s dog!
Belle and Sebastian: A rare signed edition of bassist Stuart David’s first solo album ‘you’re all a bunch of blooming loopers!’ dedicated to the AAA staff. How sweet! (I think!)
Bingo’s Absolute Bedlam: Bingo’s original bagpipes (cellotaped up by yours truly around 2014) and something that’s probably the rarest exhibit in this whole museum: an unopened drinks bottle once owned by everyone’s favourite boozy dog Bingo himself!
The Giant Bordon And His Amazing NoseFlute: This genuine noseflute is nothing to be sneezed at – although, as the accompanying photograph of an unfortunate accident at a 23rd century gig demonstrates, sneezing could be quite damaging for the players!
Buffalo Springfield: An original touring poster from 1967, with Neil Young’s name crossed out and re-instated seven times!
The Byrds: Mr Tambourine Man (Gene Clark)’s tambourine, and a photographic outtake from the ‘Dr Byrds and Mr Hyde’ cover shoot where instead of aliens transforming into cowboys the band are all wearing clown shoes and riding unicycles
The Clandusprods: Those long armed aliens from the planet Hellopshere have commissioned and donated a rather attractive art installation for their exhibit. We don’t know what it means, but the interpretive dancing to some AAA classics is a sight to behold however many pairs of eyes you have!
CSN/Y: An original carriage from the ‘Marrakesh Express’ that Nash was riding in the day he composed one of the trio’s best known songs and an outtake from the ‘Deja Vu’ photo session whereby the cameraman mistook his direction as ‘English Civil War’ not ‘American Civil War’ and dressed the band up as ‘roundheads’ and ‘cavaliers’ with poor Stephen Stills about to have his head chopped off!
Dire Straits: Mark Knopfler’s headband from 1985 – a collector’s item given how unexpectedly trendy and cool headbands became again on Earth in the mid 2010s.
The Ewok Ninjas: A rare signed – well pawed might be a better term – copy of the debut single ‘I Like Mike’ backed by ‘Ninja Ninja Ninjjjjaaaaa!’ There is slight tearing on the sleeve which suggests that at least one member of the band tried to eat the record before hibernating back into the closet from where they came.
Grateful Dead: An abandoned idea for third album ‘Aoxomoxoa’ when, struggling for palindromes, the band are displayed sitting below a sign reading ‘Madam I’m Adam’ ‘Dammit I’m Mad’ and ‘Max Is Ixam’ (which funnily enough is a planet of 10-foot squids recently discovered near Sirius B)
The Hollies: Alas there doesn’t seem to have been much memorabilia of this classic AAA band to have survived the Coalition Uncivil War of the 21st century. However rather than have a ‘gap’ we’ve chosen to fill our exhibit with an art installation from the Tate Very Modern which features the band performing their celebrated single ‘King Midas’, only it’s screened in reverse
Human League News: All of you are used to the fact that the Human League aren’t human by now I’m sure, after our revelation on this very site some 5000 years past. But have you ever seen them without their human costumes? You have now!
Jefferson Airplane/Starship: The slightly battered banjo once seen on the sleeve of second album ‘Surrealistic Pillow’ and the original fish-head pictured in original copies of the 1971 album ‘Bark!’ (erm, you might all wish to use the provided oxygen masks whilst travelling through this zone!)
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Janis Joplin: Big Brother and the Holding Company are watching you! Enjoy our interactive exhibit and take a peek at Janis and band performing in 1966!
The Kinks: Dave Davies’ legendary razor-slashed amplifier from 1964 and the ‘grass’ included in early promo copies of ‘Village Green Preservation Society’ (note: please do not smoke in this museum, unless you are on fire)
Lindisfarne: Ray Jackson’s original mandolin and Alan Hull’s slightly cracked ale mug from his local Newcastle pub
Max The Singing Dog: Ah how handsome I was! And still am! This exhibit is – well, its more of a cardboard cut out really where you can stick your head through mine and look as if you’re wearing my top hat! Erm, did I ever mention the fact that we could do with some funding urgently?!...
The Monkees: We have an interactive exhibit for you now – look through the slot and your eyes can turn into butterflies, stars and hearts like Davy Jones’ did on the TV series and see if you can put these 30 different scenes from feature film ‘HEAD’ together in the correct order (clue: there is no wrong answer)
The Moody Blues: If this corridor looks a bit familiar, that might be because the Moodies used it for the inside sleeve of their gatefold LP ‘To Our Children’s Children’s Children in 1969 (we sent the picture of a Sprokkion sunset to them via one of our early time travel experiments). Meanwhile our scientists had a breakthrough a couple of centuries back and actually discovered the ‘lost chord’ sought by the band on their 1968 LP ‘In Search Of The Lost Chord’. It turns out to be H Major, a sound that only Clandusprods can hear! Thankyou to the musicians of the planet Hafrybryhadhast for bringing this to our attention!
Oasis: Gas masks on again please folks – it’s the tangerine that Liam Gallagher allegedly threw at his brother Noel during an argument that broke up the band in 2008, plucked out of time by our time travellers for use in our museum! You may notice that the corridor divides in two here. You take the ‘High Flying Birds’ path and I’ll take the ‘Beady Eye’ path and I’ll be at the next exhibit afore ye!
Pink Floyd: Ah another of our interactive exhibits! All together now: TEAR DOWN THE WALL!!!!And look what’s behind, an old style 3D hologram of Atom Heart Mother cover star Lulubelle III! Oh and don’t forget to buy one of our AAA ‘Wish You Were Here’ postcards from the shop!
Rolling Stones: Have fun with our ‘riffs and druggers’ board interactive board game! Collect as many ‘number one cards’ as you can, but avoid landing on the squares marked ‘Redlands Drug Bust’ ‘Brian Jones’ Swimming Pool’ ‘Altamont’ and ‘Falling From Palm Tree’ or you might just trigger World War III!
The Searchers: This exhibit used to be full of sugar and spice and all things nice. Unfortunately now all we have is a sound-clip that keeps playing every time that you walk in the room. Turn that thing off!
Simon and Garfunkel: Ah, the sounds of silence! Err, no sorry, hang on, I think the hologram’s just stopped working. Ah there we go – android replicas of the duo sat together as really old friends (almost 5000 years old now!) Now stop that you two, put down that spare arm! Stop hitting each other! Please! We have guests! Err, sorry about that folks, looks like the old hostility seems to continue unabated even after all these years...
Small Faces: Now this is more like it! A mod scooter for you to sit on and some genuine Carnaby Street clobber for you to try on for a walk down a mock-up Itchycoo Park!
Squirrel Pixies: Our old political friends from the planet Mekkion donated this nifty little exhibit to our museum, a dartboard featuring the heads of all the major political figures from their celebrated ‘Earth Quintology’ (‘Gordon Bennett’ about Tony Blair ‘Gordon Brown’ ‘Boris Johnson’ ‘David Cameron’ and the triple album ‘Nick Clegg’).
Cat Stevens: Morning Has Broken...and, erm, so has this exhibit. Sorry. Must get the builders in soon! Meanwhile enjoy the three moon shadow behind you from Sprokkion’s three moons!
10cc: This is more like it! A 3D swirly replica of every single 10cc album sleeve and Godley and Creme video! We even have ‘Hotlegs’ in there somewhere! Oh no, sorry, that seems to be our Lulu exhibit. I’d been wondering where that had got to...
The Who: Look at this amazing sculpture of Keith Moon put together from his own broken drumsticks! Some of the more adventurous among you may enjoy our ‘other’ Who exhibit too: a bath filled with cold baked beans! Oh and don’t forget our special Who pinball machine so you too can be a ‘pinball wizard’. Or witch. Or warlock. Or werewolf. It’s up to you.
Neil Young: We end our ‘Journey Through The Past’ with the very same broom that was used on the video for ‘Harvest Moon’. Erm, if you could sweep the floor on your way out we’d very much appreciate it because the cleaners are on strike again! Meantime, say hello to the ‘roadeyes’ (who are really being played a bunch of ewok ninjas we hired) who’ll help lead you back to where you started (and wake me up again!...zzz.....zzzz....z.z.z.zzz)
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Zigorous 3 vs Earth All Stars: Ah there you are! Just one exhibit to go: this wonderful picture of every single musician of every species who took part in the intergalactic hit single ‘We are all one species and we’re only 8 million light years apart”! See how many you can name!
Enough nostalgia for now! It’s time to talk about the future, with three reviews of the latest AAA releases by our highly trained staff of robots:
(out now on Apple Pye)
The recent merging of two of the premiere 20th century record labels has led to some fascinating re-releases of past classics. The latest is this new re-mastering (the 47th!) of the Beatles compilation featuring all the fab four’s number one hit singles from around the universe. This does, of course, mean that every single song (barring a few of Ringo’s) has now made number one on some planet somewhere, making this collection rather less essential than past editions (you might as well just buy ‘the complete mono, stereo and triro’ set instead). However what you do get for your quarg bucks are some nifty packaging, including the best holograms yet of four complete Beatles concerts (the Cavern in 1962, Shea in 1965, Candlestick Park in 1966 and The Saville Row Rooftop in 1969), re-created by the androids of John, Paul, George and Bingo (replacing the worn out Ringo) and an optional Yoko, Billy Preston, Jimmy Nicol, George Martin and Brian Epstein. The sleevenotes are excellent too, including a 10,000,000,000 word essay taken from Alan’s Album Archives on the 50th anniversary of the set in 2050 and having the entire Beatles catalogue (barring those two songs) altogether on one disc that you can carry around on your spare third ear is particularly handy. All this and a free ‘flip your Clandusprod wig’ game too!
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“Greatest Hits 1964-The 37th Gateway Of Time”
(out now on HMV2/Woolworths)
Ever since Dave Davies (closely followed by the AAA) first made contact with the Clandusprods from Zigorous 3 (and persuaded brother Ray, then London Mayor, to speak to them) The Kinks have enjoyed a unique standing with non-Earth life forms. Although their last recordings were long ago (a brief reunion in 2163) their best loved hits (‘You Really Got Me’ ‘All Day And All Of The Night’ ‘Waterloo Sunset’ ‘Lola’ and ‘30th Century Man’ ) continue to sell in the zillions, especially on Hellopshere where Dave now lives (to be as far away from his brother as possible!) This new compilation (by our count the 8,714,993,285th) offers little that’s new but does come ready made for quintophonic sound for the first time and also includes almost the complete classic reunion album ‘Albert, Or The Decline and Fall Of Earth’!
“The Spice Girls”
“Spice Girl Babies: The Animated Series”
(‘Viva Forever – Or Till We Go Bust’ Films)
We don’t often bring the latest DVDV releases to you, but we just had to moan about this one! Very Scary Spice, Old Spice, Zimmerframe Spice , Dead Spice and Zombie Spice have been seeking to update their franchise for some time now and after centuries of botox use caused their faces to disintegrate they’ve done the only thing left to them: commissioned an animated children’s series allegedly celebrating ‘girrrrl power’, now updated to read ‘ghhhhoul power’, while the quintet are drawn as toddlers. The contents are truly fang-clenching, with the gruesome fivesome saving the world from their cots and singing a hideous song every episode (‘My Nappies Damp, So I Kung-Fu Kicked A Tramp’ from episode two is in particularly poor taste we thought). We don’t know whether to be flattered or floored at the Alan’s Album Archives reference (‘AAA! Who do you think you are?, hey!) At least there’s one bonus however: thanks to the dummy permanently in her mouth Posh Spice never actually gets to sing! All together now: ‘zig-a-zig-arrrgh!!!’
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COSTUMES FOR ALL SORTS OF BEINGS, FROM HUMANS TO BELOBRATS, ARE AVAILABLE IN THE FOYER ON REQUEST
Wasn’t that fun?! Fully in keeping with the traditions of taste, empathy and sarcasm you’ll know so well from our original issues I’m sure you’ll agree! Next up is a special wide-o link featuring our special guest Dr Zeus (no relation), our very own Belobrat In A Hat, who’ll fill you in on the latest events in the AAA BoFace Time Travel Experiments. Last time I heard they were really close to a breakthrough, dear readers, although to be fair they have been saying that for the past 50,000 years now...
A SPECIAL REPORT ON THE TIME-PORTAL JUMP BY DR ZEUS (SEE CAPTION #6)
Hello....hello....hang on, I can’t get the thing switched on....ah yes, hello to you AAA Museum visitors! I’m sure you’ll remember me from columns past! How do I stay so young, why oil of Ulag naturally, its a small warthog found on the planet Capertur! Thankyouverymuchforasking!
Here in the 72nd Century, where thanks to Zigorous Three technology species never die or grow old, time travel has become as rare and difficult as eating, walking, hang-gliding and tickling pet Argibraffes. I find it very sad to recall that one day those from our past and future used to walk amongst us, until our time travel experiments were outlawed by the Coalition Empire and we, err, got into trouble for that nasty incident when the world nearly ended on December 21st 2013 (sorry about that – we’d have gotten away with it in this time-stream if those pesky Mayans hadn’t written about it when they finally got back home from the parallel universe where all time happened at once).
However we at BoFace Time Travel have been slowly building up our funding again with the help of a second-hand Hadron Collider we bought from a scientific junk shop and although we can’t change your time-stream like the great old days of the 21st Century we have a very spiffing new invention called ‘the thingummy’ that’ll let you recall events from your possible pasts – and see into your possible future! (It’s very useful for working out where you left your keys!)
We must be able to get back to time-travelling in the future too (or is that the past?) because so many of you from all sorts of species have come up to me and said ‘thankyou for making this trip worthwhile’ so I shall carry on working with my research staff on a safer, saner way to travel. The breakthrough must happen soon!
Meanwhile, to help encourage our relations with our old customers after a difficult five millennia we’re offering you the chance to win a time travelling goody bag full of music left to us, unsealed, from Earth in the year 2013 and some antiquated I-pod technology to play them all back on. All you need to do is answer the simple question ‘Why did the Clandusprod cross the road?’ (I’m afraid we won’t be accepting the answer ‘to reverse the polarity of the nexus in time to stop the intergalactic backspin of black hole gravity’ for the time being as that’s rather too obvious an answer!) Send your entries and your contact details to us via the usual u-mail (universal mail) and you could be the first member of your species for a very long time to hear how bad human music was back then, in the days when Eurovision only had 40 competing countries not 400, X Factor didn’t come with a crocodile pit for the losers and Adele hadn’t yet revealed herself as a member of the planet Doosbury in disguise (her renamed second album ‘10,000,021’ is still in the intergalactic charts as we speak).
Remember, time travel is cooler than a Clandusprod at Christmas and it was your contributions that made it possible in the good old days – hopefully your funds will make our dreams come true again. Thanks again – we hope to see you again soon (or, indeed, earlier of course!) Goodbye for now! Dr Zeus (still no relation, honest!)
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The remains of our founder Alan – note the permanent headphone implants and the way his skeleton is holding his back in pain!
NELSON'S COLUMN: (SEE CAPTION #8)
IN 2022 WE SENT OUR ROVING REPORTER BACK IN TIME........Now 5000 years later – and on his seventh regeneration – Nelson is still trying to find his way back home to the AAA office while still doing good deeds for AAA musicians
Last week Nelson had found himself in John and Yoko’s hotel bedroom during their ‘bed-in for peace’ honeymoon in Amsterdam in 1969. This week, as our roving reporter starts his 4991st year out of time, he finds himself filling in for Keith Moon at a prestigious Who gig in 1973...
“Room service Mr Lennon. Ooh, sorry to interrupt, I didn’t know you were recording! Well, perhaps you should put one of those little signs on the door so it won’t happen again then! After all, it’s the Amsterdam Bleeding Hilton, not Abbey Bleeding Road! I don’t know, these Beatles, start talking about peace and they think they can get away with anything...
“Charming! ‘Give Peace A Chance’ to you too! I don’t care if you are trying to record a number one record and create world peace for all time, don’t you wave that tambourine at me, I only want to change the bed-sheets! Just get your friends to come back later, that’s all I ask...
“Honestly, this mess! However do you sleep at night! You wouldn’t get that nice Mr McCartney creating all this rubbish! Bet he lives in a palace, that nice Mr McCartney, a proper gent. Oh by the way there’s a call for you from a farm on the Mull Of Kintyre, says its in reply to a rude letter you sent in to Melody Maker about the future of the Beatles. Nasty place in Scotland that, full of wind and rain. Why anyone would want to live there?!
“Alright, I’ll be gone soon! I don’t know why you two are here, I really don’t. Why don’t you both spend some time in New York City or something?...”
Suddenly...AAAAAGHHHH!...There I was one minute trying to tidy up a whole room full of percussion instruments and assorted celebrities while having a very interesting chat with Yoko about looking for her hand in the snow and then there I was with that familiar feeling once again as I prepared to go ‘out of time’. Where was my monkeynuts editor sending me this week? I just hoped it was somewhere quiet (that Lennon can really talk y’know!)
But no, there I was on the 4th row of a huge stadium, full of people chanting and the sound of a roadie testing a microphone. I took one look at the two giant stacks of amplifiers and the distinctly battered looking drumkit up there on stage and gulped. Whoever this was playing, it was bound to be noisy...
‘Whose playing?’ I asked a guy next to me. ‘That’s right’ he said with a knowing wink. ‘No, Who is the band?’ I asked ‘That’s right’ he said again. ‘Look I don’t think you quite understand – and stop correcting my grammar!’ ‘Sorry I didn’t know she belonged to you’ said the man, nodding towards an elderly woman on my left shrieking incomprehensible shrieks to my left. ‘She’s not my grammar, I don’t even know her!’ I replied, annoyed. ‘Whoever she is, she looks less out of place here than you do!’ my next door companion replied.
Worriedly I looked down at what I was wearing. Oh not again! My fashion editor is useless! Nearly 5000 years I’ve been time-travelling and they haven’t got the state of my clothes right once yet! While everyone else was dressed casually in t-shirts and jeans I had on a three piece suite, a cravatte and braces. To top it all, I had a rococo wig on my head. ‘Baroque and roll!’ my companion to my right said with a laugh.
Not for the first time that millennia, I felt a right nit, but luckily the band walked out on stage and everyone forgot about looking back at me just then. And there they were, the ‘orrible ‘Oo. Daltrey bare chested and surrounded by frills, Townshend tall and lanky with a spring in his step and dressed in one of his trademark boiler-suits, Moony sitting behind his drums with the largest brandy I’d ever seen in one hand and at least a hundred drumsticks in the other and Entwistle casually leaning against an amplifier and picking his teeth. The crowd, who’d clearly been waiting a while for the band to go on, were in heaven.
The Who roared into ‘I Can’t Explain’ with all the power of a Mrasianarts express train and all the noise and energy of a Coalition street protest. At last, I seemed to have entered my new location merely as a spectator and while it wasn’t quite the peace and quiet I’d been hoping for I looked forward to enjoying myself for once.
However something was clearly wrong with the band. Even for them this version of ‘Explain’ was manic, the band’s edgy debut single of adolescent frustration and confusion sounding paranoid and furious, the sound bouncing off the walls of the stadium so fast it seemed like it was about to get a speeding ticket for breaking the sound barrier.
“GotafeelinginsideIcan’texplainacertainkindacan’texplain’ sputtered Daltrey as Moony got faster and faster, clearly out of control, before the song came to a final dying crash of cymbals. Moony fell forward, a manic look of glee on his face, and then came silence, punctuated by a loud snore coming from the drumkit.
The crowd are finding this new manic-style playing hilarious, but the band don’t seem to be finding it that funny.
“Erm, I think we’d better be taking that one again’ hollers Townshend to us, before turning round to poke the drummer in the ribs with his guitar.
Suddenly Moon is up and off again, lurching into ‘Heaven and Hell’, only this version sounds more like ‘hell’ solo. The band aren’t ready yet and Moony’s playing at one hell of a pace, his limbs cracking at the drums so fast they seem to be about to come off, while the song switches awkwardly from 3/4 to 4/4/ to 9/8 time along the way.
Finally the barrage comes to an end, with Moony clearly out for the count properly this time. Pete glares, Roger stares and John is simply unaware, continuing to pick his teeth with his bass pick.
A rumour starts up from the row I’m sitting in, with a young fan to the left of me letting on that he sneaked into the band’s dressing room earlier and saw Keith taking animal tranquilisers before the show. Animal tranquilisers! I know the bassist is affectionately known as ‘The Ox’ but this is surely taking things too far even for The Who – even Keith Richards never took animal tranquilisers (or at least he never admitted it in 26 volumes of his autobiography!)
Moon is now being stretchered off-stage, while the band huddle and eventually Pete makes his way to the microphone.
“Err, we’ve never had to say this before but is there anyone in the house tonight who knows how to play the drums?”
There’s a stunned silence in which no one speaks and suddenly I realise why my editor has sent me here – and I cheer inwardly at the thought that I’d learnt to play at the hands of drum manufacturer Ludwig himself. Nervously, I put my hand up.
‘OK, then, get yourself up here and we’ll give it a go’ says Pete, ushering the roadies to give me a hand.
Pete whispers in my ear as he helps me up on stage, “Thanks for this kid. Don’t worry how it goes, any playing will be better than those last two songs! Just give it a try and follow Entwistle, he’ll give you the rhythm and tempo! Baba O’Riley was up next, that alright with you? One-Two-Three...”
Suddenly there I am actually playing with my idols, flourishing Roger’s howl of teenage wasteland desperation with channels of noise and power and giving Pete and John the space to power-chord together and speed up manically at the end. Many times I’ve met the AAA musicians down the centuries and yet only once before have I actually played music with them (and Brian Jones had been so out of it at the time that he’d assumed I was Bill Wyman in a bad wig).
I’m getting tired though. Even with half the fills that Moon normally plays my arms are spent by the end of the song. We play another, that old favourite ‘Won’t Get Fooled Again’ (which I silently in my head dedicate to the Coalition Resistance not due for another 40 odd years later) but by the end of that eight-minute version (with my back bathed in strobe lighting) the band can see I’m dead tired and about to collapse myself.
Figuring that they’ve at least given the audience something to remember them by, they come and huddle round me and ask if I want to stop. Despite being the gig of a lifetime for me, I wearily agree. They nod their heads and thank me for helping them out.
Roger makes his way to the microphone to tell the audience they’ll get their money back if they ‘ask nicely’ at the box office while John helps me off stage, giving me a raised eyebrow look as I stagger backstage and Pete hastily gathers together all the piece of his smashed guitar so he can put them back together for the next night’s gig. As I pass I hear the roadies talking about a doctor bringing Keith round slowly and giving him a good ticking off, not that the indestructible Moon was paying any attention at all to the threats...
Suddenly as I walk off down a corridor the room is swirling as I distantly hear someone backstage asking my name. Recognising a roadie named Scott I hung out with in my 2nd regeneration, I murmur ‘Scott, help me...’ as the room swirls away from me and I take a long last look at three members of the ‘orrible ‘oo fighting their way off stage and asking where I’ve gone. I only hope I have done some good. I have at least tried to do my job in this time zone. And then the lights swirl and I am on my way again...
(SZEE CAPTION #9)
YOU ARE HERE: THE PLANET SPROKKION (THE BIG FLUFFY ORANGE PLANET IN THE MIDDLE)
Wasn’t that fun everybody? Nice to know Nelson is still out there somewhere – even if history will forever record his name falsely as ‘Scott Halpin’ - I do hope they bring him home soon! Now in this next section of the tour we bring you extracts from an old issue of News, Views and Music pulled up from the archives randomly by me. Do you like this machine by the way? I bought it secondhand from an old gameshow called ‘Countdown’...
Ah here we are, it’s chosen issue 873 from April 2025, I remember it well...
Dear readers, in all my 43 years I’ve never felt vindication like this! I’ve always wondered how I’d have felt back in our past when I’d heard the news that Hitler was Auf Wiedersen, that Henry VIII only had 18 chopping days to go or that Vlad The Impaler’s career had been permanently impaled. And now I do! The hated overthrown dictator Lord High David Cameron was today sentenced to life in prison (which in these times means at least 100,000 years) due to the war crimes he committed between 2010 and 2020 against several thousand of the disabled and unemployed.
Moreover, both Cameron and his cronies George Osbourne, William Hague and Ian Duncan Smith have been ordered to pay back every last bit of money they viciously robbed from the inhabitants of the Disunited Kingdom, with extra compensation to the families of those they shamefully killed or drove to suicide. It was also added that the events of 2015 (whereby the Coalition automatically stayed in power due to a minor addition Cameron added to a bill about parking metres that nobody noticed) was terribly illegal and can never be done again. There was even the shock revelation that all this time Cameron had merely been an evil baboon from the planet Maggrumph! (pictured, SEE CAPTION #10) while colleague George Osbourne was an Etonian Monster from the planet Hydobrid
I and my staff (Philosophy Phil, Android ZX-9TG and Ray Davies) were all invited to the hearings after the judge praised Alan’s Album Archives for daring to tell the truth about our evil, corrupt leader when so many other media outlets simply repeated the mantras of ‘shirkers versus workers’ and ‘unless you’re rich, life’s a bitch’ given to them by the Coalition. The results of the trial won’t bring back the thousands the Coalition ruthlessly killed of course (including the sacrifice of inside agent Nick Clegg last year, mysteriously found with a pickaxe in the back of his head) but it will help bring comfort to the many families of the Coalition’s genocide programme. We hope that our new leader Malia Ann Obama (daughter of the much loved American President Barack Obama) and deputy leader Michael Fitzpatrick will truly unite the country in a way that we haven’t seen since, well, has the UK ever had an entirely satisfying leader?
Furthermore the links of the disgraced Royal Windsors and The Queen (whose second cousin is Cameron) have put grave doubts about the future of the Royal Family. The deposed Queen has revealed her plans to start again from nothing, starting up her own dry-cleaning company, whilst Buckingham Palace will be sold and the money given back to the poor.
As for the old abandoned and hated ATOS benefit testing system, it was revealed that the so-called ‘doctors’ running the system were all blood-sucking leeches transformed into human form by Cameron and his cronies at a cost to the taxpayer of several million pounds. This, too, has now been closed down for breaching a ridiculous amount of European and Intergalactic Human Rights conventions and replaced by a much fairer and humane system that leaves the sick and poorly to - wait for it - get well. The money will be paid for with the billions of pounds taken from Cameron’s own private funds, where he had siphoned off much of the UK’s taxes for a planned getaway back to his home planet, although as this system actually helps people get better and find employment it should easily pay its own way soon anyway!
It took a long time, friends, and a decade of mismanagement and erroneous talk about cutting costs and spending that was all proved to be lies as long ago as 2011, but we always vowed that a better future was at hand some day – and now at last that day has occurred. If only we’d known this day would come during those dark troubled times of 2010-2013 life might have been more bearable, if only we could let our past selves know, eh?, but at least justice has prevailed at last!
(SEE CAPTION #11)
A PICTURE OF IAN DUNCAN SMITH IN HIS TRUE FORM
Noel and Liam Gallagher
(out now on the revived ‘Creation’ label)
Who would have guessed back in those dark days of the 2010s that Oasis would finally put their past (and tangerines) behind them and make a new album ready for the 30th anniversary of ‘Morning Glory’? Well, of sorts. This reunion of Beady Eye and High Flying Birds members is credited to just the Gallagher brothers and is the first fully acoustic album the pair have ever done. That time spent at opposite ends of the galaxy seem to have really paid off for the brothers and to have torn down the ‘Wonderwall’ that had built up between them (both metaphorically and in reality, thanks to that unfortunate incident on Beta Minor)
Much of this album draws from their history: songs like “We Thought We Were Going To Live Forever (And When The Clanudsprods Came We Were Right)” “Be Back There Now” and “Standing On The Shoulders Of Belobrats” explicitly, while the opening fade-in (on the closing notes of last official Oasis song ‘Soldier On’) is a nice touch. However this is also one of the first AAA albums to feature songs about the events of the past decade, the destruction brought upon by the Coalition Federation and the intervention by Clandusprods who brought news of other races to Earth and this album veers between the political (‘All we were saying was give peace a chance but you took that speech awayyyyy’ snarls Liam at one point in homage to a certain Lennon song) and the hopeful for the future (Noel’s quiet ballad ‘You’ve Got The Heart Of A Star (Because You Were Born On One)’. Not everything works (the noisy ‘Standing Still, No Gears Needed’ sounds out of place) but ‘Beady Birds’ is still an unexpected treat and bodes well for the future – both for the band and, with it’s hopeful songs about peace, for the world. Overall rating 7/10
(SEE CAPTION #12)
A PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST BY THE MUSKETEER GROUP: ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL, EXCEPT WHEN THE COALITION COMES TO CALL! WHEN THE RICH THEY HAVE A BALL, THEY MAKE OUTLAWS OF US ALL
This week we’ve decided to talk about the wonderful pace of technology in the past decade and our five favourite inventions of the past 10 years!
Imagine being able to carry your whole collection around on your spare third ear! Well, now you can – the invention of these new mini-minidiscs made using Belobrat technology in perfect quadraphonic sound means you may never listen to music any other way again! Unfortunately, however, these discs are quite small, very expensive and have a habit of getting lost (now where did I put my new one?!)
They all laughed at the film ‘Back To The Future’ when Marty McFly started using a hoverboard in just 40 years’ time, but little did the film-makers know they were just a few years out! Rendering all those poisonous carbon monoxide fumes from motor vehicles obsolete in one go, now everyone is travelling about their planet at a safe speed and saving the planet – and now with very few crashes after the introduction of mid-air traffic lights!
How handy it is to have an android replica of yourself for doing those daily chores! Why, even in our office we’ve lost count of the amount of staff who’ve sent robot duplicate of themselves in to do their job so they can have a day off! What fun that was – until they did it too often and were fired! We still haven’t got over the revelation that Lord Sugar was a faulty early android put together by Amstrad yet...
Low Budget Virtual Reality Headsets
These things have been around for decades now, of course, but only a very limited few could enjoy them until the LIDLALDI company made a budget version of them! And what fun there is to be had, really feeling that energy blade in the back when you’re not paying attention on Halo 973, although admittedly being low budget there are teething problems (there I was having a nice quiet game of virtual tennis the other day when I got eaten by a virtual Pacman!) At least its better than the ‘Wii’, even with errors, if not quite up to the Ybox 720 or the PS45!
TV Lie Detector
Sadly I didn’t own my own TV lie detector for very long – I rashly used it while watching an edition of Prime Minister’s Question Time when it suddenly blew up in my face. But what fun it will be when the teething problems are fixed, with the ability to see how truthful these celebrities really are during interviews! It’s revolutionised how celebrities behave nowadays and destroyed reality TV shows, although sadly it seems to have killed the crime drama off as most viewers know who ‘done it’ before the opening credits.
Well, that’s all from us for another issue, goodbye!
(SEE CAPTION #13)
AN EARLY UNUSED PROTOTYPE FOR THE ZTX-F35 ANDROID FROM 2016
Ah good, you’re back with us in 7013 again! Now then, along with baffling questions about music and pet argibraffes one of the things I’m often asked about is our commitment to the long-running series Dr Who. For those who don’t already know Alan’s Album Archives sponsored the series quite often during its unbroken 21st century run and now the programme is in its 5050th year we’ve become one of the sponsors for the new anniversary special! Here’s the latest news on it for you!...
Do you remember that thrilling cliffhanger at the end of last season when the 37th Doctor (played by Steve Martin) and the regenerated Susan (played by Christina Ricci) tried to travel home to the resuscitated Gallifrey while playing some banjo music, only to find it had been turned into a creepy motel? It turns out in this anniversary special ‘Time Comes To Those Who Wait’ that the timelords were actually hiding to give the Doctor a surprise 1,000,000,000th birthday party, with lots of old friends on hand to wish the doctor well!
Unfortunately the unfeasibly large amount of candles on the doctor’s birthday cake causes him to go under a strange hypnotic spell, during which he hallucinates another series of adventures from his past caused by his guilt from all the beings he’s let down over the years. (The first three doctors appear in android double form due to the malfunctioning of the eye of harmony inside the Tardis).
It turns out that the candles have been planted on the cake by none other than The Master (under the cunning pseudonym ‘Masterchef’) and that it has been filled with an ancient timelord curse that can only be lifted by The Doctor’s companions going back in time and urging a robot Marie Antoinette to ‘let them eat cake’. The timelords, meanwhile, have been locked up by the Sontarons after they insulted their race by saying they looked like ‘potatoes’.
Meanwhile, in the Gallifreyan matrix, the 37 doctors are taunted by daleks with legs who are able to climb upstairs. Soon, however, the 4th Dr feeds on a jelly baby filled with the antidote that lifts the spell from Gallifrey and everyone lives happily ever after. Well, apart from The Master, who accidentally sits on his tissue compression eliminator and turns into a doll which is then placed on top of the cake!
Sounds great, eh? Be sure to join us on BBC99 when it screens in November!
(SEE CAPTION #14)
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MAX THE SINGING DOG AND FRIEND SIR LAWRENCE OF ARABIA (SEE CAPTION #15)
And now for my favourite part of the tour, when you lot get to ask me any questions you like! Remember I was there at the heart of the AAA operation, appearing in all the acclaimed award-winning Youtube videos and offering my own innate knowledge on each and every article! There’s nothing I don’t know about all things AAA so ask away! Don’t be shy! I’ll answer anything, however major! Yes, you madam...
1) “Where are the toilets?” (Marjory Slopbucket, Beta Minor)
Err, I was hoping for a slightly better first question than that if I’m honest! They’re right behind you, to the left, by the rather fetching statue of me (there’s His, Hers, His/Hers, Miscellaneous and Disabled Access).
2) Who set up the Alan’s Album Archives Museum? (The Face Of Bo, New New York)
At last a sensible question! Well Mr, err, Bo the museum was first established in 2108 to mark the 100th anniversary of the day the website went online. The original Max The Dog was running it then with money raised from the revenue of the third edition of the first 50 AAA books and the £3.50 we’d raised in total from Google Ads over our first hundred years. We tried for a Government grant but, well, William G Bush was in that year so all art funding was cancelled (and the price rise of the national lottery tickets to £50 kyboshed sales there too).
3) Who is that cute girl-dog I saw running the ticket stand? (Flirty, of Beetlegeuse)
Why that’s my very lovely grand-doggy daughter Maxine. What a pooch!
4) I still remember that awful experience when all time happened at once, which was caused by the Bo Face time experiments of the 21st century. How did you put it all right? (G.P. Doolittle, Stoftan’s Eleven)
Err, a good question! Apparently it was all to do with some wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey wormhole we passed through – although the support you all gave us on last year’s April Fool’s edition by concentrating on time zones helped as well, honest!
5) What is that awful racket tacking place next door? (Goldilocks and her forebears, Planet Grimm)
Ignore them – it’s the sound of the Coalition Federation Preservation Celebration that was set up next door. They’ve recently re-established the Bullingdon Club and are always doing stupid things like setting alight to money in front of tramps and trying to disrupt us from our peaceful work.
6) What’s your favourite AAA album? (Curious, of Alpha Centauri)
Ooh that’s a tough one! Pink Floyd’s ‘Animals’ is an album close to my heart (there’s a song on it called ‘Dogs’), although if I’m allowed one of my own releases I think its my 1st, ‘Sing-A-Long-A-Max’! Or, who am I kidding, it has to be ‘New York New York’ by the Zigorous 3 All Stars!!
7) Whatever happened to the Spice Girls?
Well, despite being dead for several thousand years (their second heads make a rather fitting gargoyle as you walk into the museum) their franchise never dies (Remember that immortal chorus ‘If you wanna be my zombie you gotta kill all my friends’?!) A new animated TV series is doing the rounds, as is a special 1D edition of the ‘Spiceworld Movie’ to celebrate how one-dimensional the plot is! Zig-A-Zig-Ah!
8) Is Mike’s dad still alive?
Yes. After a century long spell in rehab for CDO (it’s like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order) and an operation to become a fish (the cleanest animal) Mr Fitzpatrick ended up working as a roadie for The Coral before being locked up in prison for a very long time on the orders of his son and deputy prime minister Mike. He’s currently working for us as our museum cleaner despite being ever so old by now.
(SEE CAPTION #16)
A picture of Ste Fitzpatrick after the operation
Is that all the questions? Well, then, folks we’re nearly out of time but before you go there is the ever-traditional ending of a top five. And this year it’s ‘five other museums you should really look out for while you’re on the planet Sprokkion!
THE MONKEES HOUSE
A wonderful interactive exhibit helped set up with AAA funding and not far from here (left out of the AAA Museum, just past the asteroid ASDA) which is a perfect re-creation of the Monkees house as seen in the TV series. You travel round in groups of four, playing each Monkee, and try to dodge the rent collector. You even get to play music together at the end, it’s great!
Similar in style, this exhibit (held underwater in the grounds of lake Organzloff) allows you to play each Beatle as you help to defeat the Blue Meanies (all of which are being played by minor members of the Coalition party still serving their 10,000 year ASBOs). That’s my re-recording of ‘Hey Max Bulldog’ you can hear on the soundtrack by the way!
Most of this Museum is dedicated to the Italian Earth city destroyed by the unexpected of volcano Vesuvius in AD 79, where all the remains were painstakingly moved one by one during the Uncivil Wars on Earth. However there’s a great section on Pink Floyd’s performance at Pompeii in 1972, complete with a stunning quintophonic production of the concert and a 3D hologram re-creation of what it must have been like the day the Floyd played there. What would those who died on Pompeii think about travelling halfway across the galaxy we wonder?!
THE ROLLING STONES ROCK AND ROLL CIRCUS
If you love circuses then this is for you – as well as surround screens of the Stones, the Who and the Lennon supergroup The Dirty Mac from Earth, 1968, you get to experience other musical inserts donated from bands across the Western Spiral Galaxy and some live circus acts including fire-eating dragons from Monterress Four and tightrope walkers from the planet Fanton. As ever, Earth provides the intergalactic clowns.
21ST CENTURY EARTH
This little-known museum (right on the roundabout, just past Dwarf Chef, Costapacket Coffee and Jim Morrison’s Rock and Roll Supermarket) deals with the forgotten minor Earth period of the Coalition wars and will reveal lots about what life was like when most of the AAA website was being written. They even have an exhibit all bout Alan’s Album Archives and its role in uniting the Western Spiral planets together after the Earth wars!
(SEE CAPTION #17)
ANDY THE ANDROID HAS A ROCKING NEW NEIL YOUNG TRIBUTE ALBUM OUT NOW ON ROBOT RECORDS, TITLED ‘RUST NEVER SLEEPS’!
(SEE CAPTION #18)
MAX THE ROBOT DOG MARK III
Right, that really is all from us for this visit! Thankyou all ever so much for coming and experiencing for yourselves firsthand the stories, the documents and the fun behind what we are proud to say is still the galaxy’s favourite monkeynuts music newsletter (neck and neck with the ‘Zigorous Three Zounds Magazine’ anyway).
We’ve loved having you here to keep our museum and indeed our website still alive. A safe journey home to you all, however many light years you’ve travelled to boldly get here and I hope we meet again some day. When there’s new music to be discussed, we’ll be there. When the Spice Girls are pretending they’re the zenith of thinking music, we’ll be there. When there’s a Government official beating up on an underdog, we’ll be there. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of Coalition fortune. My friends, I had a dream last night! We shall overcome! There shall be no whitewash in the whitehouse! Ich Bin Ein Berliner (I Am A German Hotdog!) Eureka! Four score and seven years ago! That’s one small step for a dog! Play it again Bingo! Yes we can! What’s the story, morning glory?! It’s been a hard day’s night and I’ve been working like a robot dog! Help! No really, help! Somebody slap me on the back would you...I think I’m malfunctioning again...Ah that’s better...
Thanks for visiting Alan’s Album Archives!
Be sure to visit us next season when we’ll have some new exhibits on display including:
Neil Young’s wig!
Ray Davies’ false teeth!
Pink Floyd’s inflatable pig!
David Crosby’s boat!
Grace Slick’s copy of ‘Alice In Wonderland’!
The stuffed body of Michael Fitzpatrick!
Mike Nesmith’s Hat!
The Moody Blues’ mellotron!
An interactive AAA Quiz!
The complete AAA Youtube videos!
The Spice Girls’ Heads On A Spike
And a News, Views and Music Newsletter from April 1st 2013 based on this very museum (long dismissed as an elaborate practical joke published on April Fool’s Day!)
© 7013 SparePlanet Studios