 Now available in e-book format as part of 'A Scrapbook Of Madness - The Alan's Album Archives Guide To...Alan's Album Archives' by clicking here
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Hic! President Bingo here! Four score and seven
years ago (last Saturday!) I got the nomination to be your president and it
gives me great pleasure to greet you, dear readers, in my first art-hic!-le to
you as president-elect of the Western World. Yes who'd have thought, just three
years ago in 2017, that I would be elected president with Max as my
vice-president based on a) a policy providing free booze and CDs to you all and
b) the rubbishness of the old guy who was impeached when his IQ turned out to
be in the decimal points. It was a shock to both of us when Trump accidentally
signed a manifesto saying that from now on only canines could run the world
but, then, well, he was the first elected president to be impeached for mental instability
so maybe it shouldn't be so much of a surprise. In a way though it makes sense
- we need a libert-hic!-ian leader to repair the mess of the last strict Trump
Government and candidates don't come any more laidback than me! Well, it's no
sillier electing a British dog with no experience to be American president than
a trumped-up reality TV presenter now is it? And at least I'm open about my
drinking problems, hic!
Anyway, here's my promise to you all, dear
readers. There's, you know, people out there who are, like, bad people. And as
your president it's my job to protect you from the bad people. Except the ones
I like or have done trade deals with, obviously. I could do something about the
reasons they're bad and suffering and discontented and jealous and poor but,
no, I'm just going to hire Pink Floyd to build a wall round them - and then
make them pay for it! And hey, guys, we don't want to end up like Sweden do we?
I mean, come on, Sweden, it's a hotbed- even a sauna - of subversives.
Terrorists everywhere, like Abba. Abba! I mean, did you see Mama Mia? There
they are putting out SOS messages everywhere. So let's deport everyone who
doesn't think like me - sorry if you're out the country at the moment but you
won't be coming back in. Oh, apparently I can't legally do that. Come back
guys, I didn't mean it, you'll still vote for me won't you?! What do I care
anyway? I'm on the golf course and don't want to be disturbed, even though
that's what I had a wobbly at the last guy for doing. Anyway I'd just like to
say to you, dear readers, don't listen to the news: it's fake news. Eighty
eight billion people turned up at my inauguration honest (they can't all have
been because I was seeing double, surely?) And climate change eh? That's all
made up - the scientists are clearly drunk, not like me - I'm naturally sober! I
would also like to add that the stories about me are only partially true - there
will be no whitewash at the white-kennel while I'm in charge. The truth is I
did inhale, but I didn't exhale. In fact all the drugs are still in my system
now! And I would just like to say, for once and for all, that I have no links
to Chihuahua Putin's Russia - even though he's, hic!,
mybesthestfriendinthewholewideworld! Where's my intern, you know the nice poodle
who looks a bit like Monica Lew-Huskie?! Four more beers! Four more beers! Four
more years! Four more beers!...
INTERRUPTION: ERR, THIS IS YOUR VICE-PRESIDENT MAX THE SPEAKING DOG
SINGING TO YOU FROM OUR NEW HEADQUARTERS IN NEW YORK, NEW YORK. I'M AFRAID OUR
PRESIDENT SEEMS TO HAVE GONE TEMPORAILY INSANE (IT SEEMS TO COME WITH THE JOB
I'M AFRAID!) SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME FOR A BIT.
First of all, don't worry. You are in safe hands really. I'm shocked
you voted Bingo in instead of me but I won't hold it against you - instead I'll
be working behind the scenes to bring the world together in our new special
kingdom (twinned with John Lennon's 'Nutopia'). We bet you won't have a 'bone'
to pick with us canines after living here in relative luxury! After all,
there's a lot of changes in store for us all. I've almost got the whole world's
governments to agree to my ten-part credit crunch plan (everybody's in debt so
let's write off the lowest amount of debt and cancel that from everybody's
balance, easy eh?) I've also got the world to agree to melt down their missiles
and weapons because, hey, feeding and housing people is ever so slightly more
of a priority than war during peace-time don't you think? From now on everybody
is everybody else's responsibility, so I have set my best Government
rottweilers after the biggest tax-dodging corporations and will re-distribute
the wealth to those who need it most. In fact after all that I have a surplus
so am re-distributing money to everyone to keep schools, hospitals and
libraries open and make sure that everyone whose suffered through the
stupidities of the world's governments gets years of comparative peace and
prosperity and nobody needs to suffer. That means that almost all the
Conservative and Republican policies are now null and void, so there! Simple
really. You wonder why it took so many centuries for us to get here?! All it
needed was some dog power to get things sorted out!
Of course two exciting new developments in world politics have rather
set the tone for this brave new world. The first is our exciting investment
into time travel. The early experiments look really promising and we're using
the money from the success of our Alan's Album Archives publications for our
first investments. We've hired a young professor named Dr Zeus (no relation!)
to help us out and have invited him to speak to you a little bit about what
he's been up to - including a first experiment sending this very newsletter
back in time by four years! We have also, as you well know, been visited by our
first alien species (well, as far as we knew - who'd have guessed that The
Royal Family would have been exposed as Doosbury Giants and that The Spice
Girls were really klingons in disguise?) We welcome the clandusprods from
Zigorous Three to our bountiful planet and thank them for offering us contacts
with other species from the Western spiral of the galaxy. We thank them
especially for not blowing us up (and we're pleased to say the music we gave
them from the AAA was chiefly responsible for proving that there really is
intelligent and peaceful life on this planet!) and for trading with us the
secrets of bringing the dead back to life and eradicating all illness on our
planet so we all get to live forever! (So David Cameron and Donald Trump's
recent life sentences for treason will be even longer!) We also look forward to
speaking to all our other intergalactic neighbours, including the Belobrats who
have already expressed an interest in our psychedelic music and the inhabitants
of the planet Hellosphere who promise to drop by some millennium to say
'hello(sphere)'.
Clearly that's all been keeping me a little busy. In my spare time I've been listening to some
of the recent releases celebrating this new Government and have been setting
the AAA scribes up to reviewing them. I've also given you the low down on the
new enhanced TV schedules (no more cookery, reality TV or antique programmes I
tell you - just music and science-fiction and news programmes all the way!) We
also have updates from Nelson, who we're promised has just started
time-travelling at key AAA moments in the future and has sent a report through
to us here at AAA HQ. Throughout we'll also be showing you our best campaign posters
from our campaign trail - such as this colourful election poster that really
captured Bingo's biggest asset (his bright red nose!) Next, though, we have
some important news to tell you...
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THE
FUTURE'S BRIGHT: THE FUTURE'S
COLOURFUL!
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The Alan's Album Archives Presidential Cabinet:
The first announcement to you as part of our campaign, dear readers,
is that we've got our cabinet together at last. It took a lot of travelling to
and from Ikea and Bingo got trapped in the middle twice, but we got there in
the end. And after putting up our cabinet we thought our main meeting room
looked good enough to invite our new heads of department round for lunch. Some
of them kindly revived for us by clandusprod technology! I tell you with these
people behind us we'll be re-elected in no time - four years to be exact!
(Unless we do what David Cameron did and extend it to five as our first illegal
act of parliament anyway!)
Secretary Of State: Jerry Garcia
Secretary of State is a big job. Though
Bingo and me are the 'face' (and top hat) of the presidency, the person most
foreign ministers deal with needs to be likeable and respected and have a real
gift for words. So we've plumped for Jerry Garcia, a musician loved and
respected by more or less everybody (well, except politicians perhaps, but
we'll overlook that for now!) including those who didn't actually like The
Grateful Dead. When debates get tense he'll break them up with a timely joke.
When things get heated he'll play peacemaker. When no one is doing anything
he'll get stuff sorted anyway. When none of this works he'll get his guitar out
and play until everybody in the room is coming from the same page. We reckon
four years of this and the whole world will be living in a hippie commune -
something Jerry always did was make perfect sense, even when he was well out of
it! Hence our appointment - the best way to the Golden Road (of unlimited
devotion!)
Secretary Of The Treasury: Paul Simon
When numbers get serious you need someone
to arrive like a bridge over troubled waters. You need intelligence,
thoughtfulness and a grasp of what's happening around the world so that you can
set your budgets accordingly compared to international figures - cue Paul
Simon. He knows what it's like to live penniless in London, as a working
celebrity in Africa and knows America inside out. He knows the importance of
patterns, of finances slip slidin' away and the need to stay constant in a
fickle market place. Me and Julio are already down at the bank I tell you and
we can all have a good time, although it's true that one musician's fiscal
ceiling is another musician's floor. One drawback though: when asked about
being president one day in 1969 (during the TV special 'Songs Of America') Paul
replied 'I'd be good, but I dunno, I'm rather busy at the moment!'
Secretary Of Defence: Grace Slick/Janis Joplin
'Oh Lord won't you make me secretary of
defence? We've seen how Trump's cabinet ran and he's got no sense, worked hard
all my life time, not like vice president Pence, so I tell you you need me as
Secretary of defence!' And don't you just need a secretary to love? We'd never
had a female Secretary of Defence until Hillary Clinton and that seemed to go
quite well. So here are another two that no one - no one! - would ever dream of
messing round with. Janis will drink any foreign dignitary under the table and
still come out of it more sober than them. Grace will probably spike their
drinks with acid the way she once nearly tried with Nixon in 1972. Together
they make a formidable team no one in their right mind would want to mess with.
And best of all, both of them would be out, primarily, for peace. So by the
time of the next election I fully expect there to be no need for the 'secretary
of defence' department at all!
Attorney General: CSN together
Who better to help us, uh, 'Carry On' with
our lives in peace and fairness? The role of the attorney general has several
parts to it but can be basically summed up thus: justice! The role of Crosby,
Stills and Nash has multiple parts but can basically be summed up thus:
justice! It's a match made in heaven and after getting all three heads of
department to agree on issues you know they have to be good, because getting
these three to agree on something is the hard bit; by contrast getting this
stuff past congress will be easy! And there's no way there'll be such
ridiculous policies enacted as shooting student protestors at Kent State
University ('Ohio'), the treatment of The Chicago Seven ('Chicago') or racism
in general ('Word Game'). Music is and always was love - but how about politics
being about love for a change? Time now, after the syorm, to live it up - perfect!
In other words the policies might be a long time comin' but the darkness of the
Trump days is just before the dawn. And our White House is a very very very
nice White House.
Chief Policy Maker: Alan Hull
The only one of our AAA brethren to have
actually worked in politics (as, briefly, a backbencher MP for labour before he
decided he did more good making music!) Lindisfarne's chief writer is an
obvious candidate for this advisory role. Brought up in the poorer end of
Newcastle and fighting off poverty for most of his childhood, Hully knows what
it's like to have nothing and has a big enough heart to realise what suffering
is like for other people. The greedy, the corrupt and the ignorant will all be
on the run when we get Hull's policies in gear helping the sick, the poor and
the vulnerable be treated fairly and rationally. Hopefully Lindisfarne won't
have to 'Bring Down The Government' this time around either! Hull's campaign
slogan is also so obvious it's a wonder no politician has used it for real yet:
'We Can Swing Together!'
Secretary For Agriculture: Neil Young
Monsanto? Hell no! Neil is well known for
going his own way and there's no way this ecologically forward-thinker is going
to have his head turned by promises of money and genetically modified
food-stuffs! Just imagine how great the 'Harvests' will be with Neil in charge
- and helping out farmers, the way he has for thirty years with his 'Farm Aid'
benefit shows. Everybody knows the Trump administration is nowhere - it's time
to give someone with a wider and more intelligent view a go for a change!
Secretary Of Commerce: Mick Jagger
You can't always get what you want - but
here is a musician who knows the importance of why, sometimes, you might just
get what you need. Not many AAA musicians are good at business. Heck, most of
them don't even care about the business side. But if there's one AAA member
that has proven to have an eye for commerce and industry then it's the million-making
Rolling Stone front-man who has seen his band go from tiny English clubs to
having one of the most recognised logos on the planet. Mick cares too: though
some Stones releases have been a little on the shoddy side, they tend to be the
ones in which Jagger isn't involved much. And he did, after all, get half a
degree in economics (before the Stones got big and he got expelled for driving
a motorbike into the uni's library!) Admittedly every business transaction
would come with a shot of the white house stamped with a big tongue, but that's
a small price to pay for the kind of money-making deals that would make the
rest of the world sick with envy.
Secretary Of Labour: Ray Davies
The Secretary of Labour is in charge of
working conditions from morning till the end of the day: what hours people
work, what concessions they get and what standard of treatment they can expect
while they hack away day after day. So who better to put in place than The
Kinks' lynchpin. Ray's kept his working class routes despite being in one of
the best-selling bands on the planet (well, some of the time) and is proud of
them too, so there's no way he's going to allow 'his' workers to be badly
treated, no sirree! No more 'Get Back In The Line', no more 'Tired Of Waiting
For You', no more 'Dead End Street' - with Ray in charge expect a fairer and
more equal society where we have half a chance at ending up dedicated followers
of fashion and everybody has a chance to live out their dreams in peace! (At
least until his brother Dave shows up to work and gets him the sack!)
Secretary Of Health: Stuart Murdoch
The Belle and Sebastian frontman knows
what it's like to be poorly and desperate after spending several years in bed
suffering from m.e., sure he'd never get to experience the life outside his
window again. He also knows how despicable the lax funding for so many nasty
and debilitating illnesses really is and why Governments everywhere need to do
more for illnesses like his. Oh the state we are in - but not for long! All we
need is a good 'Legal Man' to get some new fairer bills through and we're away!
Secretary Of Housing: Roger Waters
Trump is going to build a wall nobody
wants: it's a wonder he manages to dress himself in the morning. In fact maybe
he doesn't and there's a secret department of The White House that does that
for him? We know someone who is good at building walls though (and tearing them
down if Trump ever finishes his) and who also knows the importance of
affordable accessible housing. Roger Waters is a tough negotiator who'd give
everything he'd got for the people who needed it most. He wouldn't be
'comfortably numb' like so many politicians around the world in this situation
lately and soon everyone round the world would look at our newly built AAA
streets (all named after AAA albums: I'll meet you on The Dark Side Of The Moon
Terrace!) and wish they were here! While he's not always known for his
diplomacy he gets things done - and he'll be meeting with several species of
small furry politicians gathered together in a cabinet and grooving with a pict
in no time! And no, this isn't a momentary lapse of reason I tell you!
Secretary Of Transportation: Pete Townshend
I don't care how much I pay - Pete
Townshend is the only way! I don't want to cause no fuss - but how better would
our transport systems run with a magic bus?! After keeping The Who together for
seventeen years (the first time round) haranguing his colleagues in cabinet for
four should be child's play. We won't get fooled again - for too long money has
been put into selfish motorists instead of pedestrians and public transport. We
also need someone far-sighted, with ideas for what will happen on roads that
aren't even open yet, and Pete can see for miles and miles and miles. Perfect for my generation, his generation,
everybody's generation. Bus timetables reign o'er me!
Secretary Of Energy: Keith Moon/Steve Marriott/Otis
Redding/Micky Dolenz
OK, I admit, we may have read this brief
slightly wrong. I guess what we really need is politicians capable of running a
smooth energy department. Not, what I took it to mean at first, a source of
energy department. But after all why not? With these four on hand to offer that
much passionate drumming, guitar-playing, singing and acting we can harness all
that excess energy, convert it into electricity and Bob Dylan's your uncle! No
more dangerous nuclear energy, no more receding sources of coal and no more
unreliable natural energy: instead your laptops can be powered by Keith Moon's
drumming, your kettle by Steve Marriott's soulful voice, your iron by Otis'
silky-smooth powerhouse vocals and your toaster by Micky Dolenz's impressions
of the inimitable James Cagney!
Secretary Of Education: Cat Stevens
Do you remember the days of the old
schoolyard? Well, they've just got a lot better! Few people realise that,
before his retirement and Muslim conversion, Cat did a lot of work with
under-privileged children from around the world. And we mean a lot of work:
education has long been a passion of Cat's to the extent that he is now the
headmaster of a Muslim school. Who better to teach us our ABCs (that's the
politicians who've been messing the education system up for years, not the
pupils!) and encouraging a kinder, more spiritual take on how we should be
running our lives. Where do the children play? Our new improved playgrounds!
Wild world? Not anymore. Not with Cat in charge! Oh and a word about the policy
budget: the first cut is the deepest, after that we've got more money free, I
promise!
Chief Of Staff: Paul McCartney
For chief of staff we need someone that
everyone admires and respects. We also need someone diplomatic to make everyone
feel like the chief of staff's best friend. We also need someone whose tough
enough to stand up for what they believe in every so often. I can think of no
one finer than Paul McCartney, someone who did more than anyone else to 'run'
The Beatles (the most successful group of theirs or anybody's generation),
Apple (for a time the most successful record label of theirs or anyone's
generation) and who already has most of the Western World's best and brightest
(and Putin)'s number on speed-dial. Live abd ket die? Why when you can play the
pipes of peace? Most people respect him, even more people love him and no one
else in the world knows how to take a bad song and make it better. The Pound Is
Sinking? Not anymore it's not, we're a thriving hubbub of success!
Ambassador to United Nations: George Harrison
Talking of which, who better to reach out
to people around the world and let them think more deeply about what they're
doing? George could open doors in his musical career, helping the West and East
embrace each other and come together and that's exactly what we need in this
job! No more talking about the spaces between ourselves and illusions - instead
what we get is life, love and peace on earth. Why here comes the sun right now!
Director of CIA: Eric Stewart
A tricky one this - in fact I'm thinking
of getting rid of the CIA altogether or at least cutting their funding. I mean,
who would want to attack us after the utopia we're going to create together?
Who in their right minds would want to destroy it rather than embrace it with
open arms and come live with us? Well, I guess we'll still need them for a
little while. And 10cc's Eric Stewart quite often enjoyed making records about
spies, with quite an ear for the mysterious going on just out of sight. The
department offices might resemble The Notel Hotel (ie massively weird) for a
while but, hey, I can live with that! (Note that we went with the only member
of 10cc who didn't write 'I Wanna Rule The World!!!')
Secretary of Fashion: Terry Sylvester
He's always dapper is Terry and always
looks good. In fact he looks perfect in every single photo of him ever taken!
Even when that means he's wearing a laced shirt for a godforsaken Hollies album
cover from 1969! So who better to pick for our newly opened department in which
you've got to be looking your best at all times? Only long cool politicians in
black dress need apply for the rest of the department! Won't we all feel good
that morning?
Secretary Of Flight: Roger McGuinn
Sadly the American political system no
longer has different departments for the army, navy and air force. But we're
re-opening the last one especially - not because we'll ever need them (we're at
peace, why do we need any armed forces?) but because this Byrd is always flying
eight miles high and knows as much about planes as anyone. But will his
policies go through u-turn-u-turn-u-turns? (To every policy there is a season!)
Secretary Of Fruit: Noel Gallagher/Graeme Edge
Ok, we admit it, we've run out of jobs now
and we're just being silly but there are three AAA bands still to be catered
for and we have to do something with them or they'll sulk. There isn't really a
department for catering just for fruit but it's big in the lives of Oasis (who
ended by throwing it at each other) and The Moody Blues (who confused the heck
out of their fanbase by singing about the world as an orange. Was it for laughs
or meant seriously? We still don't know...)
Secretary Of Headbands: Mark Knopfler
Hey, it's an important job - someone's got to do it!
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I LIKE BINGO: A THREE-DIMENSIONAL
PRESIDENT FOR THREE-DIMENSIONAL TIMES!
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Reviews:
As usual with a big political event, musicians just love to celebrate
it in sound. So here's our usual Alan's Album Archives round-up of all the
latest releases which each come with a decidedly anti-Trump theme this week...
"DEJA
VU DEJA VU DEJA VU"
-
Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young (Atlantic-Pacific Records)
We all thought it was wishful thinking
that CSNY would reform, what with the rows between Crosby and Nash and Crosby
and Young and the printing of a few books that ruffled a few feathers. But this
is a band who always put their need to speak up for justice ahead of anything
going on in their private lives and so it proved again, with the quartet returning
to the scene of their 'Living With War/Freedom Of Speech Tour' of 2006 with an
hour of live anti-Trumpisms. So many songs take on new meaning: 'Just A Song
Before The World Blows Up' 'Suite: Trump Bloodshot Eyes' 'Loathe The President
You're With' 'Teach Your Children How To Vote Someone With A Brain In Next
Time'...all these classic songs have a new resonance and power. The CD ends on
a tour de force when the new revised version of 'Let's Impeach The President'
lasts about half an hour with added 'flip flops'!
"Trumpin'
Jack Flash"
-
The Rolling Stones (Do-Decca-Hedron)
The Rolling Stones' 23rd live album finds
them collecting together all their political songs, for a change. 'Undercover'
'Street Fighting Man' and especially 'You Can't Always Get The President You
Want' and 'Hey You Get Outta My White House' make perfect sense in their new
surroundings as does the title song, re-written to be less of a 'gas gas gas'.
The set's three new songs have a power lacking in many of the Stones' recent albums
too - 'President Erect' is a typically saucy naughty song about how even Trump
can't keep it up, while 'I Got The Red, White and Blues' returns the band to
their early bluesy sound and 'Some Presidents' is a ribald comedy in 'Some
Girls' vein. Watch out Trump! Wild Horses couldn't drag me away - or towards
Trump either!
"Trump
And The Firecat That's On His Head"
-
Yusuf/Cat Stevens (No Man Is An Island Records)
Even Yusuf couldn't stay peaceful after
what Trump had to say about Muslims in America - but few of us were expecting a
revival of 1967 single 'I'm Gonna Get Me A Gun!' Throughout the artist formerly
known as Cat Stevens rants, raves and spits feathers with a series of songs
inspired by recent political events: 'The Same Old Fears, The Same Old Tears' 'A
World Without Borders' 'Still Miles From Nowhere' and 'Modern Civilization Has
Broken'. The album cover update, in which the penniless tramp is now the
penniless Trump with his own wig sitting next to him in the gutter in place of
the Firecat, rather says it all.
"Quadrophenia
- The Rap Edition"
-
Pete Townshend (Can't Keep Track Records)
After the surprise Alfie Boe 'classical' version of The Who's
premier mod opera - and the ballet and the musical and the painting by numbers
set - comes an updated version taking Jimmy The Mod's story up to date to the
era of rap and hip hop. The setting is Trump's world and Jimmy isn't happy -
everyone says Trump is schizophrenic but he thinks his president is bleeding
quadrophonic! Cue timeless songs 'Is It In His Head?' 'The Punk and The
President' and 'I've Had Enough!' and cheer as in a surprise twist its Trump
who drives a Harley Davidson over Mount Rushmore to his doom as the other
presidents from ages past look on aghast.
"We're
All One Planet And We're Only 78 Billion Light Years Apart"
-
Earth Vs Zigorous Three All-Stars (Astronomically Priced Records)
A charity single with a difference. Our
visiting neighbours from Zigorous Three were so shocked at the poor state of
the world economy after decades of bankers, Blair, Bush, Cameron, Trump and May
that they released a May-Day of their own. After first locking up our evil
political figures they recorded a joint single with many of their greatest
musicians and the Earth's finest musicians in collaboration. The single,
promised to be a one-off, features a nice mix of guitar and noseflute and is
guaranteed to be a big seller across the galaxy.
"Spice
Girls - The British Bake Off Years"
The desperate franchise continues with the
surprise move of the Bake Off cookery show to Channel Five and a desperate
attempt at a rating revival. Of course a band with 'spice' in their name were always
going to be involved somewhere down the line - and it's all as bad as you might
suspect. Force feeding that poor tramp was only slightly better than kung-fu
kicking him! People asked at the time what The Spice Girls could possibly know
about cooking but to us it makes perfect sense - after all, what on earth did
this band ever know about music?!? We hear Paul Hollywood has already dated and
been dumped by Scary Spice. Adding Mary Berry to the line-up as 'Old Spice' was
just cruel though! Zig-a-zig-aagh!
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A CHICKEN IN EVERY POT, AN AAA RECORD ON EVERY STEREO
AND A BONE IN EVERY BACK YARD!
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Well, dear readers, this is it - a very exciting
opportunity which I'm very grateful has come our way. To people who dare to ask
'is time travel possible?' we look at you with our five good eyes and
say...yup! Maybe! You and I are going to be time-travelling very soon now, I
think, I hope, mayhaps - as soon as our guinea pig Nelson gets back from
wherever we sent him in fact - and I say with full confidence that with the
passing of years time-travel will become as everyday as breathing, walking,
hang-gliding and - for Clandusprods - tickling pet argibraffes! What with all
the money that's been saved by stopping all wars and going after evil renegade
business who won't pay their tax (and Gary Barlow) Bingo and Max have
discovered more than enough left in the coffers to fund the experiment from
existing tax payers' money. And it's all so safe - I mean what could go wrong? We're
only meddling with the laws of physics after all! The Clandusprods are,
remember, there to help us and with Alan's Album Archives now the
9,384,947,957,945,923,926,187,595,596, 183,103, 964th most read magazine in the
Western Spiral Galaxy its sure to be just a matter of time before those other
sponsors come rolling in! Nelson is already travelling about time as we speak -
well as we spoke to be honest, given that he's back in 1967 - and you can read
more about his experiences in just a minute. We've also arranged to have this
very issue sent backwards in time to our website at Alan's Album Archives as a
sort of 'test drive' if you will. For everyone else, though, if you fancy being
only the second earthling to travel backwards or forwards in time then all you
have to do is enter our competition. Just send us the punch-line to the
following joke: 'I say I say I say my clandusprod's got no nose'. 'How does he
smell?' Of course we won't be allowing the answer 'Through his interstatial
dampener bypass system that elongates the pheromone inducing wavelengths'
because that's just too darned obvious! Send your entries into the
following u-mail (Universal mail - all
the e-mails are hacked these days!):
DrZeus@Yahgooglebingbingaskjeeves@earth.com Remember time-travelling is cooler
than a Clandusprod at Christmas and it's your support and contributions and feigned
half-assed interest that make what we do maybe possible one day. Thanks again!
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BUTTONS FOR BINGO:
A KINDER, GENTLER, MORE PSYCHEDELIC NATION!
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NELSON'S
COLUMN: zcdshsu... svdfgdeiswuid...sdfiuuwdhj...Ah at last we seem to be
picking up the signals of Nelson, our intrepid reader whose kindly agreed to be
Dr Zeus' guinea pig as he travels backwards (and maybe even forwards) through
time doing good deeds for Alan's Album Archives band members. I'm not sure where
he is, what he's wearing or where he'll end up next and - erm - goodness only
know when we'll get him home again. But maybe we'd better let Nelson set the
scene for you himself?
'Hey
you there!'
Who
me?
'Yes
you with the weird face - you'd be perfect to go alongside these other weird
faces I've got other here. Man this show is going to be a riot - there's a tall
one with a bobble hat, a little one from Manchester and one with the most
amazing hair!'
Protesting,
I find myself ushered into another room where I join a table of teenagers
eating lunch.
'Hold
this!' says the tall one.
'It's
my laundry!' he says, as if that explains everything.
'How
did you get here?' He enquires.
I
tell him I just caught the last train - from Clarksville.
'Dumb
name' he mutters, 'won't catch on!'
'Would
you like to see my impressions of the inimitable James Cagney?' asks the frizzy
haired one sitting the other side of me.
'Not
again - you must be joking!' groans the shorter one. 'Any interest in horses?'
he asks hopefully before looking dashed as I shake my head.
The
food arrives and the other two tuck in. Me too - I'm famished on these AAA rations - but the
Manchester midgety one looks over crossly. 'You're all such pigs!' he exclaims.
The hatted and unhatted Americans look at each other. The Englishman knows he's
gone too far and, guiltily, throws himself head-first at his plate making
animal noises. The tension is broken.
'We're
gonna get along just fine!' purrs the taller one in a Texan accent.
'Yeah,
yeah, yeah, watch me eat!' explodes the other.
Suddenly
a slightly elder, authoritarian figure approaches the table with another blonde
figure in tow, with a receding hairline and slightly dodgy teeth.
'Alright
guys, now I've got you down to the final five so things are getting serious
now. This is Stephen. He might have made it through with you, I'm not sure yet.
Maybe after a trip to the dentist? Maybe him too' the guy says pointing at me,
'He can't act or sing and he's got no discernible personality (huh!) but I like
the double-buttoned shirt he's wearing! I might suggest that to the guys
upstairs when they give us the go ahead for the music....'
'Erm
about that' the newcomer adds. 'It will be in the contract that I get to write
my own music right?'
'Oh
no no no!' says the elder man. 'We've got some writers in to do that - Bobby
Boyce and Tommy Hart or something. Anyway, the music isn't really that
important!'
The
room has an in-take of breath. The wool-hatted one very nearly punched the
nearby wall but just about keeps himself in check. The blonde one tugs at the
boss guy's sleeve.
'Then
thanks guys but this is really not for me. I do have a friend though who looks
just like me, he's washing dishes for a living, he'd be perfect! A happy
pleasant valley Sunday to you all!'
With
that he walks, giving his nearly-boss (Bob or Bert? I couldn't tell!) his
number.
'And
this show really needs a banjo!' I pipe up without thinking. The others look at
me oddly.
'Stop
Monkeeing around' says Bob-Bert. 'Hey that gives me an idea...'
And
then even looks at me even more oddly. Because.... AAAAGH! I felt a strange
unfamiliar feeling as I prepared to go 'out of time'. With the sound of
'trippy, man' and 'I guess that means we're a trio now?' ringing in my ears I
sensed the molecules in the room dance around and re-form themselves in front
of my dancing eyes. Where was my
monkeynuts editor sending me on this occasion? I just hoped it was somewhere
quieter (those Monkees could really talk, you know!)
I
didn't end up where I expected at all. I was in the quiet corner of a quiet
room just a curtain away from mayhem and madness. Out there, with peeking, I
could tell there was a field, probably several, packed to the brim with people
shouting and hollering. Part of me really wanted to walk out there and see the
band that was playing (a grooving Canned Heat) but then over in the corner of
my room though was a tiny slip of a girl looking quite lost and upset.
Instinctively I go over to her and ask what's wrong.
'Aw,
gee, man, I dunno. It's just all so...big you know! I'm just a crazy chick from
Port Arthur. What am I doing here, you know? They say there's - what - 90,000 people
out there? That's a lot of people to start booing, man! And they always boo. Some
of them anyway. The rest eventually sometimes. I need a bit more of this to
steady my nerves...'
So
saying she reached forward for a bottle of Southern Comfort of the sort too
strong even for Bingo to drink. And I suddenly realised who she was.
'Janis'
I said. 'You're going to be fine. In fact more than that you're going to be
great! All those years of people not getting you? That was because you were
playing to the wrong crowd of people! Those middle class surburban dudes? They don't
know what it is to feel the blues - but you sure as hell do. And most of them
do too!' I say pointing behind the curtain.
'Aww
come on man, nobody's even heard of us! We ain't even considered good enough to
be in the movie they're gonna make - probably my one chance at fame' she sighs.
'They
will know who you are after this afternoon!' I add.
'Gee
if all those Port Arthur classmates of mine could see me now...' she wonders.
'Well, they'd probably laugh and say what's ole Janis up to now? Pretending to be
a rockstar and something she ain't'
'Nah,
this is what you're born for! What are those girls gonna do the rest of their
lives eh? Marry some childhood sweetheart who won't treat them proper? Get
stuck at home with ten children? But you - you're gonna make history! Just, you
know, watch the drugs'
'Hah
history, that would be nice. And drugs man? The hard stuff? I can barely afford
the soft stuff - in fact I can't. Not at this minute. I nearly fell for that
marriage trap once you know. Peter Du Blanc his name was. Had something to do
with computers. Asked me to wear my hair in this big high beehive. This!' she
says laughing as she pulls at her hair 'In a 50s beehive. Come on man, what was
I thinking?! Maybe if I had hair like that Grace Slick gal that's coming on
later I'd be good enough to be on telly but this - only on a freak show, man
and ain't that the truth!'
'Maybe
your gig'll be so popular they'll even get you to do it again so they can film
it?'
She
snorts contempt at that. 'Haha yeah and I'll be able to get my own Mercedes
Benz too while I'm about it. DA Pennebaker or whatever his name is don't care
who I am, man. It's bad enough playing in front of all those...people. Is it
worth it? Will they even understand me, man or am I just a figure of fun for
them? There's nothing cute and hippie about my set - its all pain, haha!'
'Yeah,
they'll understand you more than you think you know - even hippies get the
blues! Maybe especially hippies - it's hard work trying to stay that
optimistic, you know'
'Well,
I wouldn't mind if it was just one hippie really got me - and they didn't even
need to be a hippie, you know what I'm saying? Some nights back in Frisco I
feel like I go on stage and give my soul to fifty odd people who don't really
know me, then I go home and sleep alone'.
Suddenly
she sizes me up with a glint in her eyes.
'You're
not exactly Country Joe but you're kind of alright kid, if I close my eyes and
squint a lot. Will you still be here after we come off stage to - you know -
silence? Who are you anyway?'
'I'm
a fan' I say truthfully. 'I've been following Big Brother and the Holding
Company as they hitch-hiked across the country for years' I say less truthfully.
'And you guys are great, you're the sound of the future, seriously! In fact -
in a manner of speaking - you're the ones I came here to see'
And
suddenly her whole mannerism changed. This slender girl was suddenly big in
every possible way. She puffed up her cheeks, elapsed into a grin as big as her
face and filled up the room with her laughter, her strength, her personality.
She hands me a swig of her bottle.
'A
fan? I actually have a fan? Hey stick around kid, maybe you'll get to be my one
and only groupie!' And she cackles that laugh I know so well. Just for me and
only me.
And
only just in time.
'Janis!
Up! Now!' barks a figure I recognise as bassist Peter Albin.
'Yeah
come on Janis we need to, uhh, like split!' adds guitarist Sam Andrew.
'Yeah
split on stage that is - not split up!' splutters other guitarist James Gurley.
'We
ain't ever gonna split up right? No matter how many one-nighters we play' adds
drummer Dave Getz.
'We
ain't never gonna let them split us up!' roars Janis. 'Where's my beads, man?'
Bingo and Max recently appeared in a press conference to discuss their new-look vision for the future of all things music and politics. Here are some extracts:
 |
Tonight's
Revised Television Listings:
Donald Trump famously banned all
television in 2018 claiming it was all 'fake'. A bit like that election, then. He didn't seem to understand the concept of
fiction at all! We've started putting resources into getting the networks back
up, dear readers, but so far have only created three channels: one for music
(of course!), one for sci-fi programmes (who all seem to have one theme in
mind...) and one for news and other shows. As a paid-up member of News, Views
and Music here's your handy guide to what's on (not a lot!...)
Time
|
SINGALONGAMAX
|
Tue
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SCI-FI CHANNEL
|
Thu
|
NEWS
|
12 pm
|
JUKE BOX JURY: The return of
the much-loved music programme with a panel made up of Max, Ringo Starr, Baby
Spice and the ubiquitous Gary Barlow. Contains strong language and graphic
scenes of tax avoidance
|
DOCTOR WHO: THE REVELATION OF
DOOM In which an evil mastermind with bad hair and a fake orange tan tries to
take over the world with a deeply stupid and convoluted plan and is revealed
to be...The Master in disguise!
|
NEWS: Dear God what is Trump up
to now? Will he actually press that red button? Will Putin do it for him?!?
(Repeat)
|
||
1 pm
|
TOP OF THE POPS: A repeat from
1983 involving DJs we're not allowed to mention presenting acts we're not
allowed to feature and interviews with people you've forgotten about. Special
edited five minute edition
|
THE X-FILES: CONSPIRACY TOWERS In
which the Trump election is proved to be an alien conspiracy involving Fox
Mulder's sister. During the course of events Gillian Andersen ends up in hospital
yet again and David Duchovny takes his top off for no apparent reason.
Subtitles.
|
Who Do You Think You Are?
Edition in which Donald Trump traces his family tree back to an orange
orang-u-tang with bad hair and no brain
|
||
2 pm
|
BEAT BEAT BEAT: Surprise return
of the German TV show featuring questionable miming and energetic presenters.
Featuring Tigger.
|
SAPPHIRE AND STEEL: ADVENTURE
SEVEN In which an odd painting of an
ugly president holds the mystery the intergalactic investigators have been searching
for and provide clues as to a new element 'denser' than any discovered
before: Trumpolium
|
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
No one - because it would mean doing business with Donald Trump
|
||
3 pm
|
COLOUR ME POP: Return of the
show featuring prog-rock classics in which across three evenly distributed
hours Pink Floyd perform the whole of 'The Wall', The Moody Blues perform 'In
Search Of The Lost Chord' and Emersen Lake and Palmer fit in half a keyboard
solo
|
STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE: A
SUNNY DAY IN ACAPULCO A meeting
between an Earth president and a Ferengi federation goes wrong when both
accuse the other of only being interested in profit and laugh at each other's
over-sized ears and ridiculous skin tones
|
More News: Thank Goodness for
Bingo - but are there concerns our new president has a drinking problem?
|
||
4 pm
|
LATER...WITH JOOLS HOLLAND In
which ten interesting minutes with someone you care about is padded out to an
hour thanks to some random nonsensical interviews with people you've never
heard of and Jools can't pronounce and some plinkty-plonk piano from the host
even though the guests are trying to be deadly serious. Features an extended
repeat of the live edition on Fridays due to some pact with the devil or
re-negotiations over how time works
|
PLANET OF THE APES: AMERICA THE
BEAUTIFUL? In which chimpanzee Cornelius
discovers to his shame and horror that the humans he lives with once
worshipped a secret Orang-u-tang named Donald Trump and forces them to make
amends. 'Get your paws off me you stinking president!'
|
THE WEAKEST LINK: Special
presidential version of the gameshow in which Richard Nixon cries after
making it through to the second round for the first time due to a newcomer
with stupid hair
|
||
5 pm
|
THE UK TOP 40: More bands
you've never heard of bought by people with no taste and which all sound the
same! Yeah, I'm getting old....
|
BLAKE'S SEVEN: TYRANT Renegades
out to destroy the Federation get a new incentive when telepath Cally picks
up a mass cry for help from an entire world - and discovers its the ship's
crew's ancestors from Earth in the early 21st century. Avon shoots them all
dead just to be on the safe side. Vila laughs.
|
THE APPRENTICE: This week's new
task - work out how Donald Trump got away without being fired for so long!
|
||
6 pm
|
OH BOY! Skiffle music show in
which several boyband and girlband members who've never played an instrument
in their lives perform with a washboard and tea-chest bass and complain it's too
hard!
|
TIME TUNNEL: JOURNEY TO THE
ABOVE OF BEYOND Doug and Tony go forward in time to prevent the destruction
of the planet by an evil force with mysterious hair. Whit Bissell stars as
the Major with the world's greatest acting name appalled at the crimes he
sees in the future.
|
ANTIQUES ROADSHOW: Anything
made before 2016 because after that people just keep chucking things at the
TV in disbelief whenever the news comes on
|
||
7 pm
|
S CLUB SEVEN GO WILD: The boy and girlband
are let loose in the jungles of post-Trump mainland America where a whole
nation once went wild and make up a song about it.
|
TIMELESS: Time Tunnel clone in
which the historian kisses the bad guy, the engineer gets locked up for being
black but still saves the day and the main lead moans a lot in the scariest
time zone of all - Trump's America
|
UK NEWS: Post Brexit - are you
paying too much for the cardboard box you're living in?
|
||
8 pm
|
EUROVISION: Shortest edition of
the programme since the 1950s, mainly due to how much of Europe has been
wiped out by Trump and the collapse of the EU, although weirdly Australia is
still entered. Performed tonight from a cardboard box in Oslo. Nil Poits. Won
by a shock surprise entry from Uruguay.
|
4400: Programme about special
abilities developed by a future branch of homo sapiens. Trump shocks the
world by being the first person to be revealed to have no abilities
whatsoever!
|
TOP GEAR: In which Matt Le
Blanc finally gives in and hits a producer for saying that as an American
he's personally responsible for Trump
|
||
9 pm
|
READY STEADY GO! The weekend
starts here! Revival of 1960s show with dotty presenting, ancient presenters
and great bands, cut short every flipping week for the advert break
|
THE TOMORROW PEOPLE: Lower
budget programme about special abilities developed by a branch of future homo
sapiens who 'jaunt' away from Trump's America and say its every bit as scary
as people say
|
HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU: Cancelled
as the panel still can't keep up with unlikely world events
|
||
10 pm
|
MY HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL:
Teenagers with no discernible talent still end up running The White House
better than Trump ever could
|
TORCHWOOD: CYBER CON ARTIST John
Barrowman has to kiss an alien menace to save it from taking over the world -
imagine his shock when he discovers its really Donald Trump!
|
JUST A MINUTE: More news
programmes about how long experts think the planet has left after four years
of Trump
|
||
11 pm
|
PINKY AND PERKY: Porcelain pigs
perform pop in perpetuity while snorting at how unrealistic Putin's puppet
strings on Trump really are
|
BUFFY THE TEENAGE VAMPIRE
SLAYER: Trump gets bitten and goes
mad. Nobody notices. Contains bloodshed: ours!
|
50 SHADES OF GREY: Masochistic
nation votes in a monster for four years of power
|
||
12 am
|
LIVE FROM ABBEY ROAD: During
which EMI finally decides to sell the institution and send the baliffs in.
Which is a shame for the band busy performing an anti-Trump demonstration
song at the time!
|
BEING HUMAN: TOOTHLESS In which
the house inhabitants are rather ashamed to discover President Trump has
hidden the fact he is both a vampire and werewolf from them all while
promising to turn us all into ghosts.
|
MORE NEWS: Look back at
2016-17. How in the hell did it get to this? I mean a joke's a joke right?...
|
||
ART DECAU DOG: WIN WITH BINGO - IN ALL DIMENSIONS!
|
The Top
Ten Rule Changes:
From now on citizens of the world must wear a top
hat and carry a cane at all times Everyone is welcome in our kingdom - everyone!
Regardless of colour, gender, religion nationality or species! Nobody will be turned
away at our airports - everyone is a citizen of the world! Now that the budget is under control there will
be a reduction in all previous taxes - although there will be a rise of
0.000000001p to help pay for Bingo to have a round of drinks each night. Hic! Anyone found guilty of a 'hate crime' now has to
write out 'sorry' several thousand times and adopt a cute puppy Everyone gets a free basic income - everyone!
This will also free up the job market for the better paid industries and save
people being grumpy to jobseekers when it's not their fault there are no jobs
to be found. The only sanctions in our kingdom come when jobcentre advisors get
nasty! All nuclear weapons have been melted down for
scrap metal, apart from a piece kept as a statue for peace which will reside
outside the White Kennel and will feature Bingo holding a torch, a pair of
scales and a bottle with a straw while wearing a pair of headphones More money at ground level - no more ugly
concrete monstrosities (like Skelmersdale!) to live in, just bright and
colourful dog kennels for everyone! More money for libraries (especially if they
house the AAA books!), schools (especially if they give classes on AAA music!) and
prisons (they're the best captive audiences for the AAA - literally!) Homelessness is not a crime! More money for
foodbanks and people in need with new kennels built all the time. Donald Trump
and David Cameron aren't doing much during their life sentences - so they can
start building them out of Lego now! The Spice Girls music is banned indefinitely!
Instead citizens are encouraged to log onto Alan's Album Archives and choose
their free CDs sent through the post every week for better mental health! |
A complete collection of April Fool’s Day
Columns (Plus Other Bits and Pieces):
#1 (published 2009, set in 2034): http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2009_03_29_archive.html
#1 (published 2009, set in 2034): http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2009_03_29_archive.html
#2 (published 2010, set in 2110): http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_03_28_archive.html
#3 (published 2011, set in 2026): http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2011_03_27_archive.html
#4 ('Swedish Elizabethan' edition, published 2012, set
in a timeless universe): http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2012_04_01_archive.html
#5 ('Max's Space Museum' edition, published 2013, set
in 7114): http://www.alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/news-views-and-music-issue-7114-maxs.html
#6 (Max's Scrapbook' edition, published 2014 set in
2099):
http://www.alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/max-dogs-picture-book-news-views-and.html
and http://www.alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/max-dogs-picture-book-part-two-news.html
#7 ('Multiverse with famous authors writing for the
AAA' edition, published and set in 2015)
http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2015_03_29_archive.html
#8 ('The Story and Discography of Pixie Drainpipe',
published 2016, set in 5838)
http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.com/2016/04/april-fools-day-2016-pixie-drainpipe.html
#9 (‘All Hail President Bingo!’, published 2017, set in 2020) https://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2017/04/april-fools-day-2017-all-hail-president.html
#9 (‘All Hail President Bingo!’, published 2017, set in 2020) https://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2017/04/april-fools-day-2017-all-hail-president.html
#10 (‘Spice Up Your Life!!!’, published and set in 2018) https://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.com/2018/04/april-fools-day-2018-spice-up-your-life.html
#11 (‘Brexit Maxit and Farewell’, published 2019, set
in 2029)
https://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.com/2019/04/april-fools-day-brexit-maxit-special.html
Special Editions:
Compilation Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_04_25_archive.html
Solo Album Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_08_08_archive.html
Live Album Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_09_19_archive.html
Book Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2012_07_01_archive.html
Compilation Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_04_25_archive.html
Solo Album Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_08_08_archive.html
Live Album Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_09_19_archive.html
Book Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2012_07_01_archive.html
DVD Special: http://www.alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/news-views-and-music-issue-176-aaa-dvds.html
Every Single AAA Studio and Solo Release in
Chronological Order: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2015/01/revised-article-every-single-aaa-album.html
