Monday, 29 October 2012
News, Views and Music Issue 168 (Intro and Spice Girls Jokes)
Dear all, I wasn’t quite sure what to write about this week until I received an email from one of our regulars saying they hadn’t noticed any Spice Girls jokes on our site for a while and had I started to like them since their appearance at the Olympics? Naturally, the answer is no: it’s simply that so many people hated that performance that suddenly everyone was picking on the Spice Girls that I didn’t feel there was much more to add. However they’ve been a bit quiet recently (one review even said they were the highlight of the whole event) and I’ve just remembered that people were equally rude about the wonderful performances of AAA legends Ray Davies and Paul McCartney so, what the heck, just in case anybody else had the same idea I thought I’d drop the politics this week and have a few jokes about the Spice Girls. And here they are!
1) What do you call the Spice Girls reunion now they’re 20 years older? Old Spice!
2) How many Spice Girls does it take to change a lightbulb? Five overworked personal assistants – they’d never get their hands that dirty!
3) Why did the Spice Girls cross the road? To see why everyone was running away from them!
4) Five Spice Girls walk into a bar...Ouch!
5) Knock Knock Who’s There? Spice Up Your Life! AAAAAGH! It’s The Spice Girls! I’m moving!
6) Doctor, doctor, I feel like a Spice Girl! Well, just be grateful you don’t sing like one!
The next lot aren’t mine but I thought I’d throw them in anyway...
7) Why was Posh Spice late turning up for the Olympic closing performance? She’d been mistaken for a javelin and locked in a cupboard!
8) What do you call a spice girl with two brain cells? Pregnant!
9) What will one of the spice girls say to you in about 20 years time? Would you like fries with that?!
10) What do you have if you’ve buried the Spice Girls up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand!
11) Why are the spice girls and a packet of smarties so alike? They both come in an assortment of colours on the outside but they’re always bland inside
This next bunch are true things the Spice Girls have said at one time or another...
12) Posh Spice: “Our single is out next Monday, so make sure you buy it now!”
13) Posh Spice: “I dress very sexily, but in a very virginal way”
14) Ginger Spice (in ‘Spiceworld’ film): “Haven’t you guys ever heard of the word compromisation?”
15) Posh Spice (in ‘Spiceworld’ film): “Bloody Sunday drivers! How dare they drive like that on a Saturday!”
16) Posh Spice: “I’ve never read a book in my life”
17) Posh Spice: “You have to remember that when you are a performer you become a celebrity, but you’re not saving lives”
18) Sporty Spice: “My being a Spice Girl is no guarantee of sales of my solo records”
19) Sporty Spice: “Being in the Spice Girls was an insane experience”
20) Sporty Spice: “I feel there should have been some recognition of the Spice Girls at this year's 25th anniversary. We flew the flag for Britain around the globe in the 1990s and we achieved a hell of a lot.”
21) Posh Spice: “I think they have the impression in America that I’m a miserable cow who never smiles”
22) Sporty Spice: “We’re not beautiful people – and that’s something I’m proud of”
23) Posh Spice: “I’m not actually that posh – but I do love to shop, it’s true!”
24) Sporty Spice: “Girl power means that girls can play soccer too”
25) Sporty Spice: “I guess Emma is always going to be called the baby of the group, I think it’s because she’s the youngest”
26) Sporty Spice: “I think we’re all quite normal. None of us are six foot models with eating disorders”
27) Scary Spice: “I think its fate that the five of us have been given the chance to become successful because we’re nothing like normal pop stars”
28) Sporty Spice: “Scary Spice and I have had some humdinger rows and some raised voices down the years, but I don’t think anything’s been thrown – there’ve just been mental scars!”
This next section contains quotes from AAA stars:
29) Mick Jagger: “I hear Victoria Beckham has just published the story of her life. That shouldn’t take long to read”
30) George Harrison: “Will we remember the Spice Girls in 30 years? I doubt it!”
And remember, if variety is the spice of life, then I’m sticking with stability!
p.s. unexpectedly we’ve had multiple hits at the end of last week which means that we have now passed the magic number of 30,000! Yes that’s right, 30 000 of you have read stories about musical cows, discussed aliens from the planet zigorous three and laughed at jokes about the spice girls! We at the AAA love each and every one of you – our regular readers, our first timers, google whackers here by accident because of our unique juxtaposition of the words ‘David Cameron’ and ‘insane aggravating noise’ and those who accidentally stumbled upon this site whilst researching the word ‘clandusprod’. And guess what – I’ve just been looking at my old posts and it was a year ago, almost to the day, that our site reached 10,000 hits. So that means in the past 12 months we’ve had 20,000 visitors! Fantastic! Take that, Job centre – not popular my foot! Thankyou all!
Right that’s enough for another introduction – now onto our news stories and, as normal, we’ll be posting you to our ‘paper.li’ site where you can see all the AAA stories breaking this week:
ANNIVERSARIES: Birthdays are here again for AAA members born between October 31st and November 6th: Bert Jansch (guitarist with Pentangle 1968-72 and various reunions) who would have been 69 on November 3rd, Lulu (singer) who turns 64 also on November 3rd, Art Garfunkel (a quite different kind of singer) who turns 70 on November 5th and Gram Parsons (guitarist and much more with The Byrds in 1968) who would have been 66 on November 5th. Anniversaries of events include: The Beatles start their last stint at Hamburg’s Star Club (November 1st 1962), George Harrison releases the first solo Beatles LP which is also the first album to bear an ‘Apple’ catalogue number: his under-rated soundtrack to the ‘Wonderwall’ film (November 1st 1968), The Beatles wow mums and dads at their one and only Royal Variety appearance, telling those in the more expensive seats to ‘rattle yer jewellery’ (November 4th 1963); The Beach Boys’ legendary single ‘Good Vibrations’ enters the UK chart on it’s way to #1 (November 4th 1966); The Who’s Quadrophenia tour suffers yet another blow when the pre-taped section ends up playing out of synch with the band, causing Pete Townshend to physically attack the group’s sound man mid-gig (it’s not his fault by the way) (November 5th 1973); The Beach Boys manage the surely unique feat of making #1 in the UK charts in the same week 22 years apart – with ‘Good Vibrations’ in 1966 and ‘Kokomo’ in 1988 (November 5th); Bill Graham puts on the first of his many legendary ‘Fillmore’ shows starring AAA members Grateful Dead and Jefferson Airplane, the former before they even have a record contract (November 6th 1965) and finally, Paul Simon comes out of retirement with his first concert for five years (November 6th 1980).