Saturday, 1 April 2017

April Fool's Day 2017 - All Hail President Bingo!


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©2020

NEWS, VIEWS AND MUSIC ISSUE #567
APRIL 1ST 2020




Hic! President Bingo here! Four score and seven years ago (last Saturday!) I got the nomination to be your president and it gives me great pleasure to greet you, dear readers, in my first art-hic!-le to you as president-elect of the Western World. Yes who'd have thought, just three years ago in 2017, that I would be elected president with Max as my vice-president based on a) a policy providing free booze and CDs to you all and b) the rubbishness of the old guy who was impeached when his IQ turned out to be in the decimal points. It was a shock to both of us when Trump accidentally signed a manifesto saying that from now on only canines could run the world but, then, well, he was the first elected president to be impeached for mental instability so maybe it shouldn't be so much of a surprise. In a way though it makes sense - we need a libert-hic!-ian leader to repair the mess of the last strict Trump Government and candidates don't come any more laidback than me! Well, it's no sillier electing a British dog with no experience to be American president than a trumped-up reality TV presenter now is it? And at least I'm open about my drinking problems, hic!

Anyway, here's my promise to you all, dear readers. There's, you know, people out there who are, like, bad people. And as your president it's my job to protect you from the bad people. Except the ones I like or have done trade deals with, obviously. I could do something about the reasons they're bad and suffering and discontented and jealous and poor but, no, I'm just going to hire Pink Floyd to build a wall round them - and then make them pay for it! And hey, guys, we don't want to end up like Sweden do we? I mean, come on, Sweden, it's a hotbed- even a sauna - of subversives. Terrorists everywhere, like Abba. Abba! I mean, did you see Mama Mia? There they are putting out SOS messages everywhere. So let's deport everyone who doesn't think like me - sorry if you're out the country at the moment but you won't be coming back in. Oh, apparently I can't legally do that. Come back guys, I didn't mean it, you'll still vote for me won't you?! What do I care anyway? I'm on the golf course and don't want to be disturbed, even though that's what I had a wobbly at the last guy for doing. Anyway I'd just like to say to you, dear readers, don't listen to the news: it's fake news. Eighty eight billion people turned up at my inauguration honest (they can't all have been because I was seeing double, surely?) And climate change eh? That's all made up - the scientists are clearly drunk, not like me - I'm naturally sober! I would also like to add that the stories about me are only partially true - there will be no whitewash at the white-kennel while I'm in charge. The truth is I did inhale, but I didn't exhale. In fact all the drugs are still in my system now! And I would just like to say, for once and for all, that I have no links to Chihuahua Putin's Russia - even though he's, hic!, mybesthestfriendinthewholewideworld! Where's my intern, you know the nice poodle who looks a bit like Monica Lew-Huskie?! Four more beers! Four more beers! Four more years! Four more beers!...



INTERRUPTION: ERR, THIS IS YOUR VICE-PRESIDENT MAX THE SPEAKING DOG SINGING TO YOU FROM OUR NEW HEADQUARTERS IN NEW YORK, NEW YORK. I'M AFRAID OUR PRESIDENT SEEMS TO HAVE GONE TEMPORAILY INSANE (IT SEEMS TO COME WITH THE JOB I'M AFRAID!) SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME FOR A BIT.

First of all, don't worry. You are in safe hands really. I'm shocked you voted Bingo in instead of me but I won't hold it against you - instead I'll be working behind the scenes to bring the world together in our new special kingdom (twinned with John Lennon's 'Nutopia'). We bet you won't have a 'bone' to pick with us canines after living here in relative luxury! After all, there's a lot of changes in store for us all. I've almost got the whole world's governments to agree to my ten-part credit crunch plan (everybody's in debt so let's write off the lowest amount of debt and cancel that from everybody's balance, easy eh?) I've also got the world to agree to melt down their missiles and weapons because, hey, feeding and housing people is ever so slightly more of a priority than war during peace-time don't you think? From now on everybody is everybody else's responsibility, so I have set my best Government rottweilers after the biggest tax-dodging corporations and will re-distribute the wealth to those who need it most. In fact after all that I have a surplus so am re-distributing money to everyone to keep schools, hospitals and libraries open and make sure that everyone whose suffered through the stupidities of the world's governments gets years of comparative peace and prosperity and nobody needs to suffer. That means that almost all the Conservative and Republican policies are now null and void, so there! Simple really. You wonder why it took so many centuries for us to get here?! All it needed was some dog power to get things sorted out!

Of course two exciting new developments in world politics have rather set the tone for this brave new world. The first is our exciting investment into time travel. The early experiments look really promising and we're using the money from the success of our Alan's Album Archives publications for our first investments. We've hired a young professor named Dr Zeus (no relation!) to help us out and have invited him to speak to you a little bit about what he's been up to - including a first experiment sending this very newsletter back in time by four years! We have also, as you well know, been visited by our first alien species (well, as far as we knew - who'd have guessed that The Royal Family would have been exposed as Doosbury Giants and that The Spice Girls were really klingons in disguise?) We welcome the clandusprods from Zigorous Three to our bountiful planet and thank them for offering us contacts with other species from the Western spiral of the galaxy. We thank them especially for not blowing us up (and we're pleased to say the music we gave them from the AAA was chiefly responsible for proving that there really is intelligent and peaceful life on this planet!) and for trading with us the secrets of bringing the dead back to life and eradicating all illness on our planet so we all get to live forever! (So David Cameron and Donald Trump's recent life sentences for treason will be even longer!) We also look forward to speaking to all our other intergalactic neighbours, including the Belobrats who have already expressed an interest in our psychedelic music and the inhabitants of the planet Hellosphere who promise to drop by some millennium to say 'hello(sphere)'.

Clearly that's all been keeping me a little busy.  In my spare time I've been listening to some of the recent releases celebrating this new Government and have been setting the AAA scribes up to reviewing them. I've also given you the low down on the new enhanced TV schedules (no more cookery, reality TV or antique programmes I tell you - just music and science-fiction and news programmes all the way!) We also have updates from Nelson, who we're promised has just started time-travelling at key AAA moments in the future and has sent a report through to us here at AAA HQ. Throughout we'll also be showing you our best campaign posters from our campaign trail - such as this colourful election poster that really captured Bingo's biggest asset (his bright red nose!) Next, though, we have some important news to tell you...






THE FUTURE'S BRIGHT: THE FUTURE'S  COLOURFUL!

The Alan's Album Archives Presidential Cabinet:

The first announcement to you as part of our campaign, dear readers, is that we've got our cabinet together at last. It took a lot of travelling to and from Ikea and Bingo got trapped in the middle twice, but we got there in the end. And after putting up our cabinet we thought our main meeting room looked good enough to invite our new heads of department round for lunch. Some of them kindly revived for us by clandusprod technology! I tell you with these people behind us we'll be re-elected in no time - four years to be exact! (Unless we do what David Cameron did and extend it to five as our first illegal act of parliament anyway!)

Secretary Of State: Jerry Garcia

Secretary of State is a big job. Though Bingo and me are the 'face' (and top hat) of the presidency, the person most foreign ministers deal with needs to be likeable and respected and have a real gift for words. So we've plumped for Jerry Garcia, a musician loved and respected by more or less everybody (well, except politicians perhaps, but we'll overlook that for now!) including those who didn't actually like The Grateful Dead. When debates get tense he'll break them up with a timely joke. When things get heated he'll play peacemaker. When no one is doing anything he'll get stuff sorted anyway. When none of this works he'll get his guitar out and play until everybody in the room is coming from the same page. We reckon four years of this and the whole world will be living in a hippie commune - something Jerry always did was make perfect sense, even when he was well out of it! Hence our appointment - the best way to the Golden Road (of unlimited devotion!)

Secretary Of The Treasury: Paul Simon

When numbers get serious you need someone to arrive like a bridge over troubled waters. You need intelligence, thoughtfulness and a grasp of what's happening around the world so that you can set your budgets accordingly compared to international figures - cue Paul Simon. He knows what it's like to live penniless in London, as a working celebrity in Africa and knows America inside out. He knows the importance of patterns, of finances slip slidin' away and the need to stay constant in a fickle market place. Me and Julio are already down at the bank I tell you and we can all have a good time, although it's true that one musician's fiscal ceiling is another musician's floor. One drawback though: when asked about being president one day in 1969 (during the TV special 'Songs Of America') Paul replied 'I'd be good, but I dunno, I'm rather busy at the moment!'

Secretary Of Defence: Grace Slick/Janis Joplin

'Oh Lord won't you make me secretary of defence? We've seen how Trump's cabinet ran and he's got no sense, worked hard all my life time, not like vice president Pence, so I tell you you need me as Secretary of defence!' And don't you just need a secretary to love? We'd never had a female Secretary of Defence until Hillary Clinton and that seemed to go quite well. So here are another two that no one - no one! - would ever dream of messing round with. Janis will drink any foreign dignitary under the table and still come out of it more sober than them. Grace will probably spike their drinks with acid the way she once nearly tried with Nixon in 1972. Together they make a formidable team no one in their right mind would want to mess with. And best of all, both of them would be out, primarily, for peace. So by the time of the next election I fully expect there to be no need for the 'secretary of defence' department at all!

Attorney General: CSN together

Who better to help us, uh, 'Carry On' with our lives in peace and fairness? The role of the attorney general has several parts to it but can be basically summed up thus: justice! The role of Crosby, Stills and Nash has multiple parts but can basically be summed up thus: justice! It's a match made in heaven and after getting all three heads of department to agree on issues you know they have to be good, because getting these three to agree on something is the hard bit; by contrast getting this stuff past congress will be easy! And there's no way there'll be such ridiculous policies enacted as shooting student protestors at Kent State University ('Ohio'), the treatment of The Chicago Seven ('Chicago') or racism in general ('Word Game'). Music is and always was love - but how about politics being about love for a change? Time now, after the syorm, to live it up - perfect! In other words the policies might be a long time comin' but the darkness of the Trump days is just before the dawn. And our White House is a very very very nice White House.

Chief Policy Maker: Alan Hull

The only one of our AAA brethren to have actually worked in politics (as, briefly, a backbencher MP for labour before he decided he did more good making music!) Lindisfarne's chief writer is an obvious candidate for this advisory role. Brought up in the poorer end of Newcastle and fighting off poverty for most of his childhood, Hully knows what it's like to have nothing and has a big enough heart to realise what suffering is like for other people. The greedy, the corrupt and the ignorant will all be on the run when we get Hull's policies in gear helping the sick, the poor and the vulnerable be treated fairly and rationally. Hopefully Lindisfarne won't have to 'Bring Down The Government' this time around either! Hull's campaign slogan is also so obvious it's a wonder no politician has used it for real yet: 'We Can Swing Together!'

Secretary For Agriculture: Neil Young

Monsanto? Hell no! Neil is well known for going his own way and there's no way this ecologically forward-thinker is going to have his head turned by promises of money and genetically modified food-stuffs! Just imagine how great the 'Harvests' will be with Neil in charge - and helping out farmers, the way he has for thirty years with his 'Farm Aid' benefit shows. Everybody knows the Trump administration is nowhere - it's time to give someone with a wider and more intelligent view a go for a change!

Secretary Of Commerce: Mick Jagger

You can't always get what you want - but here is a musician who knows the importance of why, sometimes, you might just get what you need. Not many AAA musicians are good at business. Heck, most of them don't even care about the business side. But if there's one AAA member that has proven to have an eye for commerce and industry then it's the million-making Rolling Stone front-man who has seen his band go from tiny English clubs to having one of the most recognised logos on the planet. Mick cares too: though some Stones releases have been a little on the shoddy side, they tend to be the ones in which Jagger isn't involved much. And he did, after all, get half a degree in economics (before the Stones got big and he got expelled for driving a motorbike into the uni's library!) Admittedly every business transaction would come with a shot of the white house stamped with a big tongue, but that's a small price to pay for the kind of money-making deals that would make the rest of the world sick with envy.

Secretary Of Labour: Ray Davies

The Secretary of Labour is in charge of working conditions from morning till the end of the day: what hours people work, what concessions they get and what standard of treatment they can expect while they hack away day after day. So who better to put in place than The Kinks' lynchpin. Ray's kept his working class routes despite being in one of the best-selling bands on the planet (well, some of the time) and is proud of them too, so there's no way he's going to allow 'his' workers to be badly treated, no sirree! No more 'Get Back In The Line', no more 'Tired Of Waiting For You', no more 'Dead End Street' - with Ray in charge expect a fairer and more equal society where we have half a chance at ending up dedicated followers of fashion and everybody has a chance to live out their dreams in peace! (At least until his brother Dave shows up to work and gets him the sack!)

Secretary Of Health: Stuart Murdoch

The Belle and Sebastian frontman knows what it's like to be poorly and desperate after spending several years in bed suffering from m.e., sure he'd never get to experience the life outside his window again. He also knows how despicable the lax funding for so many nasty and debilitating illnesses really is and why Governments everywhere need to do more for illnesses like his. Oh the state we are in - but not for long! All we need is a good 'Legal Man' to get some new fairer bills through and we're away!

Secretary Of Housing: Roger Waters

Trump is going to build a wall nobody wants: it's a wonder he manages to dress himself in the morning. In fact maybe he doesn't and there's a secret department of The White House that does that for him? We know someone who is good at building walls though (and tearing them down if Trump ever finishes his) and who also knows the importance of affordable accessible housing. Roger Waters is a tough negotiator who'd give everything he'd got for the people who needed it most. He wouldn't be 'comfortably numb' like so many politicians around the world in this situation lately and soon everyone round the world would look at our newly built AAA streets (all named after AAA albums: I'll meet you on The Dark Side Of The Moon Terrace!) and wish they were here! While he's not always known for his diplomacy he gets things done - and he'll be meeting with several species of small furry politicians gathered together in a cabinet and grooving with a pict in no time! And no, this isn't a momentary lapse of reason I tell you!

Secretary Of Transportation: Pete Townshend

I don't care how much I pay - Pete Townshend is the only way! I don't want to cause no fuss - but how better would our transport systems run with a magic bus?! After keeping The Who together for seventeen years (the first time round) haranguing his colleagues in cabinet for four should be child's play. We won't get fooled again - for too long money has been put into selfish motorists instead of pedestrians and public transport. We also need someone far-sighted, with ideas for what will happen on roads that aren't even open yet, and Pete can see for miles and miles and miles.  Perfect for my generation, his generation, everybody's generation. Bus timetables reign o'er me!

Secretary Of Energy: Keith Moon/Steve Marriott/Otis Redding/Micky Dolenz

OK, I admit, we may have read this brief slightly wrong. I guess what we really need is politicians capable of running a smooth energy department. Not, what I took it to mean at first, a source of energy department. But after all why not? With these four on hand to offer that much passionate drumming, guitar-playing, singing and acting we can harness all that excess energy, convert it into electricity and Bob Dylan's your uncle! No more dangerous nuclear energy, no more receding sources of coal and no more unreliable natural energy: instead your laptops can be powered by Keith Moon's drumming, your kettle by Steve Marriott's soulful voice, your iron by Otis' silky-smooth powerhouse vocals and your toaster by Micky Dolenz's impressions of the inimitable James Cagney!

Secretary Of Education:  Cat Stevens

Do you remember the days of the old schoolyard? Well, they've just got a lot better! Few people realise that, before his retirement and Muslim conversion, Cat did a lot of work with under-privileged children from around the world. And we mean a lot of work: education has long been a passion of Cat's to the extent that he is now the headmaster of a Muslim school. Who better to teach us our ABCs (that's the politicians who've been messing the education system up for years, not the pupils!) and encouraging a kinder, more spiritual take on how we should be running our lives. Where do the children play? Our new improved playgrounds! Wild world? Not anymore. Not with Cat in charge! Oh and a word about the policy budget: the first cut is the deepest, after that we've got more money free, I promise!

Chief Of Staff: Paul McCartney

For chief of staff we need someone that everyone admires and respects. We also need someone diplomatic to make everyone feel like the chief of staff's best friend. We also need someone whose tough enough to stand up for what they believe in every so often. I can think of no one finer than Paul McCartney, someone who did more than anyone else to 'run' The Beatles (the most successful group of theirs or anybody's generation), Apple (for a time the most successful record label of theirs or anyone's generation) and who already has most of the Western World's best and brightest (and Putin)'s number on speed-dial. Live abd ket die? Why when you can play the pipes of peace? Most people respect him, even more people love him and no one else in the world knows how to take a bad song and make it better. The Pound Is Sinking? Not anymore it's not, we're a thriving hubbub of success!

Ambassador to United Nations: George Harrison

Talking of which, who better to reach out to people around the world and let them think more deeply about what they're doing? George could open doors in his musical career, helping the West and East embrace each other and come together and that's exactly what we need in this job! No more talking about the spaces between ourselves and illusions - instead what we get is life, love and peace on earth. Why here comes the sun right now!

Director of CIA: Eric Stewart

A tricky one this - in fact I'm thinking of getting rid of the CIA altogether or at least cutting their funding. I mean, who would want to attack us after the utopia we're going to create together? Who in their right minds would want to destroy it rather than embrace it with open arms and come live with us? Well, I guess we'll still need them for a little while. And 10cc's Eric Stewart quite often enjoyed making records about spies, with quite an ear for the mysterious going on just out of sight. The department offices might resemble The Notel Hotel (ie massively weird) for a while but, hey, I can live with that! (Note that we went with the only member of 10cc who didn't write 'I Wanna Rule The World!!!')

Secretary of Fashion: Terry Sylvester

He's always dapper is Terry and always looks good. In fact he looks perfect in every single photo of him ever taken! Even when that means he's wearing a laced shirt for a godforsaken Hollies album cover from 1969! So who better to pick for our newly opened department in which you've got to be looking your best at all times? Only long cool politicians in black dress need apply for the rest of the department! Won't we all feel good that morning?

Secretary Of Flight: Roger McGuinn

Sadly the American political system no longer has different departments for the army, navy and air force. But we're re-opening the last one especially - not because we'll ever need them (we're at peace, why do we need any armed forces?) but because this Byrd is always flying eight miles high and knows as much about planes as anyone. But will his policies go through u-turn-u-turn-u-turns? (To every policy there is a season!)

Secretary Of Fruit: Noel Gallagher/Graeme Edge

Ok, we admit it, we've run out of jobs now and we're just being silly but there are three AAA bands still to be catered for and we have to do something with them or they'll sulk. There isn't really a department for catering just for fruit but it's big in the lives of Oasis (who ended by throwing it at each other) and The Moody Blues (who confused the heck out of their fanbase by singing about the world as an orange. Was it for laughs or meant seriously? We still don't know...)

Secretary Of Headbands: Mark Knopfler

Hey, it's an important job - someone's got to do it!



I LIKE BINGO: A THREE-DIMENSIONAL PRESIDENT FOR THREE-DIMENSIONAL TIMES!


Reviews:
As usual with a big political event, musicians just love to celebrate it in sound. So here's our usual Alan's Album Archives round-up of all the latest releases which each come with a decidedly anti-Trump theme this week...


"DEJA VU DEJA VU DEJA VU"
- Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young (Atlantic-Pacific Records)
We all thought it was wishful thinking that CSNY would reform, what with the rows between Crosby and Nash and Crosby and Young and the printing of a few books that ruffled a few feathers. But this is a band who always put their need to speak up for justice ahead of anything going on in their private lives and so it proved again, with the quartet returning to the scene of their 'Living With War/Freedom Of Speech Tour' of 2006 with an hour of live anti-Trumpisms. So many songs take on new meaning: 'Just A Song Before The World Blows Up' 'Suite: Trump Bloodshot Eyes' 'Loathe The President You're With' 'Teach Your Children How To Vote Someone With A Brain In Next Time'...all these classic songs have a new resonance and power. The CD ends on a tour de force when the new revised version of 'Let's Impeach The President' lasts about half an hour with added 'flip flops'!

"Trumpin' Jack Flash"
- The Rolling Stones (Do-Decca-Hedron)
The Rolling Stones' 23rd live album finds them collecting together all their political songs, for a change. 'Undercover' 'Street Fighting Man' and especially 'You Can't Always Get The President You Want' and 'Hey You Get Outta My White House' make perfect sense in their new surroundings as does the title song, re-written to be less of a 'gas gas gas'. The set's three new songs have a power lacking in many of the Stones' recent albums too - 'President Erect' is a typically saucy naughty song about how even Trump can't keep it up, while 'I Got The Red, White and Blues' returns the band to their early bluesy sound and 'Some Presidents' is a ribald comedy in 'Some Girls' vein. Watch out Trump! Wild Horses couldn't drag me away - or towards Trump either!

"Trump And The Firecat That's On His Head"
- Yusuf/Cat Stevens (No Man Is An Island Records)
Even Yusuf couldn't stay peaceful after what Trump had to say about Muslims in America - but few of us were expecting a revival of 1967 single 'I'm Gonna Get Me A Gun!' Throughout the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens rants, raves and spits feathers with a series of songs inspired by recent political events: 'The Same Old Fears, The Same Old Tears' 'A World Without Borders' 'Still Miles From Nowhere' and 'Modern Civilization Has Broken'. The album cover update, in which the penniless tramp is now the penniless Trump with his own wig sitting next to him in the gutter in place of the Firecat, rather says it all.

"Quadrophenia - The Rap Edition"
- Pete Townshend (Can't Keep Track Records)
After the surprise Alfie Boe 'classical' version of The Who's premier mod opera - and the ballet and the musical and the painting by numbers set - comes an updated version taking Jimmy The Mod's story up to date to the era of rap and hip hop. The setting is Trump's world and Jimmy isn't happy - everyone says Trump is schizophrenic but he thinks his president is bleeding quadrophonic! Cue timeless songs 'Is It In His Head?' 'The Punk and The President' and 'I've Had Enough!' and cheer as in a surprise twist its Trump who drives a Harley Davidson over Mount Rushmore to his doom as the other presidents from ages past look on aghast.

"We're All One Planet And We're Only 78 Billion Light Years Apart"
- Earth Vs Zigorous Three All-Stars (Astronomically Priced Records)
A charity single with a difference. Our visiting neighbours from Zigorous Three were so shocked at the poor state of the world economy after decades of bankers, Blair, Bush, Cameron, Trump and May that they released a May-Day of their own. After first locking up our evil political figures they recorded a joint single with many of their greatest musicians and the Earth's finest musicians in collaboration. The single, promised to be a one-off, features a nice mix of guitar and noseflute and is guaranteed to be a big seller across the galaxy.

"Spice Girls - The British Bake Off Years"
The desperate franchise continues with the surprise move of the Bake Off cookery show to Channel Five and a desperate attempt at a rating revival. Of course a band with 'spice' in their name were always going to be involved somewhere down the line - and it's all as bad as you might suspect. Force feeding that poor tramp was only slightly better than kung-fu kicking him! People asked at the time what The Spice Girls could possibly know about cooking but to us it makes perfect sense - after all, what on earth did this band ever know about music?!? We hear Paul Hollywood has already dated and been dumped by Scary Spice. Adding Mary Berry to the line-up as 'Old Spice' was just cruel though! Zig-a-zig-aagh!






A CHICKEN IN EVERY POT, AN AAA RECORD ON EVERY STEREO AND A BONE IN EVERY BACK YARD!




Well, dear readers, this is it - a very exciting opportunity which I'm very grateful has come our way. To people who dare to ask 'is time travel possible?' we look at you with our five good eyes and say...yup! Maybe! You and I are going to be time-travelling very soon now, I think, I hope, mayhaps - as soon as our guinea pig Nelson gets back from wherever we sent him in fact - and I say with full confidence that with the passing of years time-travel will become as everyday as breathing, walking, hang-gliding and - for Clandusprods - tickling pet argibraffes! What with all the money that's been saved by stopping all wars and going after evil renegade business who won't pay their tax (and Gary Barlow) Bingo and Max have discovered more than enough left in the coffers to fund the experiment from existing tax payers' money. And it's all so safe - I mean what could go wrong? We're only meddling with the laws of physics after all! The Clandusprods are, remember, there to help us and with Alan's Album Archives now the 9,384,947,957,945,923,926,187,595,596, 183,103, 964th most read magazine in the Western Spiral Galaxy its sure to be just a matter of time before those other sponsors come rolling in! Nelson is already travelling about time as we speak - well as we spoke to be honest, given that he's back in 1967 - and you can read more about his experiences in just a minute. We've also arranged to have this very issue sent backwards in time to our website at Alan's Album Archives as a sort of 'test drive' if you will. For everyone else, though, if you fancy being only the second earthling to travel backwards or forwards in time then all you have to do is enter our competition. Just send us the punch-line to the following joke: 'I say I say I say my clandusprod's got no nose'. 'How does he smell?' Of course we won't be allowing the answer 'Through his interstatial dampener bypass system that elongates the pheromone inducing wavelengths' because that's just too darned obvious! Send your entries into the following  u-mail (Universal mail - all the e-mails are hacked these days!): DrZeus@Yahgooglebingbingaskjeeves@earth.com Remember time-travelling is cooler than a Clandusprod at Christmas and it's your support and contributions and feigned half-assed interest that make what we do maybe possible one day. Thanks again!





BUTTONS FOR BINGO:  A KINDER, GENTLER, MORE PSYCHEDELIC NATION!





NELSON'S COLUMN: zcdshsu... svdfgdeiswuid...sdfiuuwdhj...Ah at last we seem to be picking up the signals of Nelson, our intrepid reader whose kindly agreed to be Dr Zeus' guinea pig as he travels backwards (and maybe even forwards) through time doing good deeds for Alan's Album Archives band members. I'm not sure where he is, what he's wearing or where he'll end up next and - erm - goodness only know when we'll get him home again. But maybe we'd better let Nelson set the scene for you himself?

'Hey you there!'

Who me?

'Yes you with the weird face - you'd be perfect to go alongside these other weird faces I've got other here. Man this show is going to be a riot - there's a tall one with a bobble hat, a little one from Manchester and one with the most amazing hair!'

Protesting, I find myself ushered into another room where I join a table of teenagers eating lunch.

'Hold this!' says the tall one.

'It's my laundry!' he says, as if that explains everything.

'How did you get here?' He enquires.

I tell him I just caught the last train - from Clarksville.

'Dumb name' he mutters, 'won't catch on!'

'Would you like to see my impressions of the inimitable James Cagney?' asks the frizzy haired one sitting the other side of me.

'Not again - you must be joking!' groans the shorter one. 'Any interest in horses?' he asks hopefully before looking dashed as I shake my head.

The food arrives and the other two tuck in. Me too  - I'm famished on these AAA rations - but the Manchester midgety one looks over crossly. 'You're all such pigs!' he exclaims. The hatted and unhatted Americans look at each other. The Englishman knows he's gone too far and, guiltily, throws himself head-first at his plate making animal noises. The tension is broken.

'We're gonna get along just fine!' purrs the taller one in a Texan accent.

'Yeah, yeah, yeah, watch me eat!' explodes the other.

Suddenly a slightly elder, authoritarian figure approaches the table with another blonde figure in tow, with a receding hairline and slightly dodgy teeth.

'Alright guys, now I've got you down to the final five so things are getting serious now. This is Stephen. He might have made it through with you, I'm not sure yet. Maybe after a trip to the dentist? Maybe him too' the guy says pointing at me, 'He can't act or sing and he's got no discernible personality (huh!) but I like the double-buttoned shirt he's wearing! I might suggest that to the guys upstairs when they give us the go ahead for the music....'

'Erm about that' the newcomer adds. 'It will be in the contract that I get to write my own music right?'

'Oh no no no!' says the elder man. 'We've got some writers in to do that - Bobby Boyce and Tommy Hart or something. Anyway, the music isn't really that important!'

The room has an in-take of breath. The wool-hatted one very nearly punched the nearby wall but just about keeps himself in check. The blonde one tugs at the boss guy's sleeve.

'Then thanks guys but this is really not for me. I do have a friend though who looks just like me, he's washing dishes for a living, he'd be perfect! A happy pleasant valley Sunday to you all!'

With that he walks, giving his nearly-boss (Bob or Bert? I couldn't tell!) his number.

'And this show really needs a banjo!' I pipe up without thinking. The others look at me oddly.

'Stop Monkeeing around' says Bob-Bert. 'Hey that gives me an idea...'

And then even looks at me even more oddly. Because.... AAAAGH! I felt a strange unfamiliar feeling as I prepared to go 'out of time'. With the sound of 'trippy, man' and 'I guess that means we're a trio now?' ringing in my ears I sensed the molecules in the room dance around and re-form themselves in front of my dancing eyes.  Where was my monkeynuts editor sending me on this occasion? I just hoped it was somewhere quieter (those Monkees could really talk, you know!)

I didn't end up where I expected at all. I was in the quiet corner of a quiet room just a curtain away from mayhem and madness. Out there, with peeking, I could tell there was a field, probably several, packed to the brim with people shouting and hollering. Part of me really wanted to walk out there and see the band that was playing (a grooving Canned Heat) but then over in the corner of my room though was a tiny slip of a girl looking quite lost and upset. Instinctively I go over to her and ask what's wrong.

'Aw, gee, man, I dunno. It's just all so...big you know! I'm just a crazy chick from Port Arthur. What am I doing here, you know? They say there's - what - 90,000 people out there? That's a lot of people to start booing, man! And they always boo. Some of them anyway. The rest eventually sometimes. I need a bit more of this to steady my nerves...'

So saying she reached forward for a bottle of Southern Comfort of the sort too strong even for Bingo to drink. And I suddenly realised who she was.

'Janis' I said. 'You're going to be fine. In fact more than that you're going to be great! All those years of people not getting you? That was because you were playing to the wrong crowd of people! Those middle class surburban dudes? They don't know what it is to feel the blues - but you sure as hell do. And most of them do too!' I say pointing behind the curtain.

'Aww come on man, nobody's even heard of us! We ain't even considered good enough to be in the movie they're gonna make - probably my one chance at fame' she sighs.

'They will know who you are after this afternoon!' I add.

'Gee if all those Port Arthur classmates of mine could see me now...' she wonders. 'Well, they'd probably laugh and say what's ole Janis up to now? Pretending to be a rockstar and something she ain't'

'Nah, this is what you're born for! What are those girls gonna do the rest of their lives eh? Marry some childhood sweetheart who won't treat them proper? Get stuck at home with ten children? But you - you're gonna make history! Just, you know, watch the drugs'

'Hah history, that would be nice. And drugs man? The hard stuff? I can barely afford the soft stuff - in fact I can't. Not at this minute. I nearly fell for that marriage trap once you know. Peter Du Blanc his name was. Had something to do with computers. Asked me to wear my hair in this big high beehive. This!' she says laughing as she pulls at her hair 'In a 50s beehive. Come on man, what was I thinking?! Maybe if I had hair like that Grace Slick gal that's coming on later I'd be good enough to be on telly but this - only on a freak show, man and ain't that the truth!' 

'Maybe your gig'll be so popular they'll even get you to do it again so they can film it?'  

She snorts contempt at that. 'Haha yeah and I'll be able to get my own Mercedes Benz too while I'm about it. DA Pennebaker or whatever his name is don't care who I am, man. It's bad enough playing in front of all those...people. Is it worth it? Will they even understand me, man or am I just a figure of fun for them? There's nothing cute and hippie about my set - its all pain, haha!'

'Yeah, they'll understand you more than you think you know - even hippies get the blues! Maybe especially hippies - it's hard work trying to stay that optimistic, you know'

'Well, I wouldn't mind if it was just one hippie really got me - and they didn't even need to be a hippie, you know what I'm saying? Some nights back in Frisco I feel like I go on stage and give my soul to fifty odd people who don't really know me, then I go home and sleep alone'.

Suddenly she sizes me up with a glint in her eyes.

'You're not exactly Country Joe but you're kind of alright kid, if I close my eyes and squint a lot. Will you still be here after we come off stage to - you know - silence? Who are you anyway?'

'I'm a fan' I say truthfully. 'I've been following Big Brother and the Holding Company as they hitch-hiked across the country for years' I say less truthfully. 'And you guys are great, you're the sound of the future, seriously! In fact - in a manner of speaking - you're the ones I came here to see'

And suddenly her whole mannerism changed. This slender girl was suddenly big in every possible way. She puffed up her cheeks, elapsed into a grin as big as her face and filled up the room with her laughter, her strength, her personality. She hands me a swig of her bottle.

'A fan? I actually have a fan? Hey stick around kid, maybe you'll get to be my one and only groupie!' And she cackles that laugh I know so well. Just for me and only me.

And only just in time.

'Janis! Up! Now!' barks a figure I recognise as bassist Peter Albin.

'Yeah come on Janis we need to, uhh, like split!' adds guitarist Sam Andrew.

'Yeah split on stage that is - not split up!' splutters other guitarist James Gurley.

'We ain't ever gonna split up right? No matter how many one-nighters we play' adds drummer Dave Getz.

'We ain't never gonna let them split us up!' roars Janis. 'Where's my beads, man?'


And suddenly I get it - the band dynamic that means Janis can keep going back out night after night doing what she does. She's just one of the 'guys' all trying to prove themselves to the world. The Holding Company won't hold for long, but what a journey it will be while it lasts and this, here on this sleepy afternoon, is the turning point. Janis winks to me as she leaves the room. Sadly I'm too inebriated from the Southern Comfort to join in. I tap my foot as I hear the band starting up on-stage with their giant 'Woah-wo-ah-wo-ah-woa-ahs', sizzling away and breaking through the folkie safety net that's been laid down for most of the day. I can almost hear Mama Cass mouthing 'oh wow' from here. I feel good about my first really good job done on behalf of the AAA members. I long to be there, maybe, again near Janis' end to try and prevent what I fear may yet be inevitable. And then I feel that familiar sensation and again I sense I am being pulled through time again to who knows where...






Bingo and Max recently appeared in a press conference to discuss their new-look vision for the future of all things music and politics. Here are some extracts:












 Tonight's Revised Television Listings:

Donald Trump famously banned all television in 2018 claiming it was all 'fake'. A bit like that election, then.  He didn't seem to understand the concept of fiction at all! We've started putting resources into getting the networks back up, dear readers, but so far have only created three channels: one for music (of course!), one for sci-fi programmes (who all seem to have one theme in mind...) and one for news and other shows. As a paid-up member of News, Views and Music here's your handy guide to what's on (not a lot!...)


Time
SINGALONGAMAX
Tue
SCI-FI CHANNEL
Thu
NEWS






12 pm
JUKE BOX JURY: The return of the much-loved music programme with a panel made up of Max, Ringo Starr, Baby Spice and the ubiquitous Gary Barlow. Contains strong language and graphic scenes of tax avoidance

DOCTOR WHO: THE REVELATION OF DOOM In which an evil mastermind with bad hair and a fake orange tan tries to take over the world with a deeply stupid and convoluted plan and is revealed to be...The Master in disguise!

NEWS: Dear God what is Trump up to now? Will he actually press that red button? Will Putin do it for him?!? (Repeat)






1 pm
TOP OF THE POPS: A repeat from 1983 involving DJs we're not allowed to mention presenting acts we're not allowed to feature and interviews with people you've forgotten about. Special edited five minute edition

THE X-FILES: CONSPIRACY TOWERS In which the Trump election is proved to be an alien conspiracy involving Fox Mulder's sister. During the course of events Gillian Andersen ends up in hospital yet again and David Duchovny takes his top off for no apparent reason. Subtitles.

Who Do You Think You Are? Edition in which Donald Trump traces his family tree back to an orange orang-u-tang with bad hair and no brain






2 pm
BEAT BEAT BEAT: Surprise return of the German TV show featuring questionable miming and energetic presenters. Featuring Tigger.

SAPPHIRE AND STEEL: ADVENTURE SEVEN  In which an odd painting of an ugly president holds the mystery the intergalactic investigators have been searching for and provide clues as to a new element 'denser' than any discovered before: Trumpolium

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? No one - because it would mean doing business with Donald Trump






3 pm
COLOUR ME POP: Return of the show featuring prog-rock classics in which across three evenly distributed hours Pink Floyd perform the whole of 'The Wall', The Moody Blues perform 'In Search Of The Lost Chord' and Emersen Lake and Palmer fit in half a keyboard solo

STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE: A SUNNY DAY IN ACAPULCO  A meeting between an Earth president and a Ferengi federation goes wrong when both accuse the other of only being interested in profit and laugh at each other's over-sized ears and ridiculous skin tones

More News: Thank Goodness for Bingo - but are there concerns our new president has a drinking problem?






4 pm
LATER...WITH JOOLS HOLLAND In which ten interesting minutes with someone you care about is padded out to an hour thanks to some random nonsensical interviews with people you've never heard of and Jools can't pronounce and some plinkty-plonk piano from the host even though the guests are trying to be deadly serious. Features an extended repeat of the live edition on Fridays due to some pact with the devil or re-negotiations over how time works

PLANET OF THE APES: AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL?  In which chimpanzee Cornelius discovers to his shame and horror that the humans he lives with once worshipped a secret Orang-u-tang named Donald Trump and forces them to make amends. 'Get your paws off me you stinking president!'

THE WEAKEST LINK: Special presidential version of the gameshow in which Richard Nixon cries after making it through to the second round for the first time due to a newcomer with stupid hair






5 pm
THE UK TOP 40: More bands you've never heard of bought by people with no taste and which all sound the same! Yeah, I'm getting old....

BLAKE'S SEVEN: TYRANT Renegades out to destroy the Federation get a new incentive when telepath Cally picks up a mass cry for help from an entire world - and discovers its the ship's crew's ancestors from Earth in the early 21st century. Avon shoots them all dead just to be on the safe side. Vila laughs.

THE APPRENTICE: This week's new task - work out how Donald Trump got away without being fired for so long!






6 pm
OH BOY! Skiffle music show in which several boyband and girlband members who've never played an instrument in their lives perform with a washboard and tea-chest bass and complain it's too hard!

TIME TUNNEL: JOURNEY TO THE ABOVE OF BEYOND Doug and Tony go forward in time to prevent the destruction of the planet by an evil force with mysterious hair. Whit Bissell stars as the Major with the world's greatest acting name appalled at the crimes he sees in the future.

ANTIQUES ROADSHOW: Anything made before 2016 because after that people just keep chucking things at the TV in disbelief whenever the news comes on






7 pm
 S CLUB SEVEN GO WILD: The boy and girlband are let loose in the jungles of post-Trump mainland America where a whole nation once went wild and make up a song about it.

TIMELESS: Time Tunnel clone in which the historian kisses the bad guy, the engineer gets locked up for being black but still saves the day and the main lead moans a lot in the scariest time zone of all - Trump's America

UK NEWS: Post Brexit - are you paying too much for the cardboard box you're living in?






8 pm
EUROVISION: Shortest edition of the programme since the 1950s, mainly due to how much of Europe has been wiped out by Trump and the collapse of the EU, although weirdly Australia is still entered. Performed tonight from a cardboard box in Oslo. Nil Poits. Won by a shock surprise entry from Uruguay.

4400: Programme about special abilities developed by a future branch of homo sapiens. Trump shocks the world by being the first person to be revealed to have no abilities whatsoever!

TOP GEAR: In which Matt Le Blanc finally gives in and hits a producer for saying that as an American he's personally responsible for Trump






9 pm
READY STEADY GO! The weekend starts here! Revival of 1960s show with dotty presenting, ancient presenters and great bands, cut short every flipping week for the advert break

THE TOMORROW PEOPLE: Lower budget programme about special abilities developed by a branch of future homo sapiens who 'jaunt' away from Trump's America and say its every bit as scary as people say

HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU: Cancelled as the panel still can't keep up with unlikely world events






10 pm
MY HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL: Teenagers with no discernible talent still end up running The White House better than Trump ever could

TORCHWOOD: CYBER CON ARTIST John Barrowman has to kiss an alien menace to save it from taking over the world - imagine his shock when he discovers its really Donald Trump!

JUST A MINUTE: More news programmes about how long experts think the planet has left after four years of Trump






11 pm
PINKY AND PERKY: Porcelain pigs perform pop in perpetuity while snorting at how unrealistic Putin's puppet strings on Trump really are

BUFFY THE TEENAGE VAMPIRE SLAYER:  Trump gets bitten and goes mad. Nobody notices. Contains bloodshed: ours!

50 SHADES OF GREY: Masochistic nation votes in a monster for four years of power






12 am
LIVE FROM ABBEY ROAD: During which EMI finally decides to sell the institution and send the baliffs in. Which is a shame for the band busy performing an anti-Trump demonstration song at the time!

BEING HUMAN: TOOTHLESS In which the house inhabitants are rather ashamed to discover President Trump has hidden the fact he is both a vampire and werewolf from them all while promising to turn us all into ghosts.

MORE NEWS: Look back at 2016-17. How in the hell did it get to this? I mean a joke's a joke right?...










ART DECAU DOG: WIN WITH BINGO - IN ALL DIMENSIONS!
 



The Top Ten Rule Changes:
*     From now on citizens of the world must wear a top hat and carry a cane at all times
*     Everyone is welcome in our kingdom - everyone! Regardless of colour, gender, religion nationality or species! Nobody will be turned away at our airports - everyone is a citizen of the world!
*     Now that the budget is under control there will be a reduction in all previous taxes - although there will be a rise of 0.000000001p to help pay for Bingo to have a round of drinks each night. Hic!
*     Anyone found guilty of a 'hate crime' now has to write out 'sorry' several thousand times and adopt a cute puppy
*     Everyone gets a free basic income - everyone! This will also free up the job market for the better paid industries and save people being grumpy to jobseekers when it's not their fault there are no jobs to be found. The only sanctions in our kingdom come when jobcentre advisors get nasty!
*     All nuclear weapons have been melted down for scrap metal, apart from a piece kept as a statue for peace which will reside outside the White Kennel and will feature Bingo holding a torch, a pair of scales and a bottle with a straw while wearing a pair of headphones
*     More money at ground level - no more ugly concrete monstrosities (like Skelmersdale!) to live in, just bright and colourful dog kennels for everyone!
*     More money for libraries (especially if they house the AAA books!), schools (especially if they give classes on AAA music!) and prisons (they're the best captive audiences for the AAA - literally!)
*     Homelessness is not a crime! More money for foodbanks and people in need with new kennels built all the time. Donald Trump and David Cameron aren't doing much during their life sentences - so they can start building them out of Lego now!
*     The Spice Girls music is banned indefinitely! Instead citizens are encouraged to log onto Alan's Album Archives and choose their free CDs sent through the post every week for better mental health!




Our other eight past April Fool's Day Issues from the past (or is that future?!)



#4 ('Swedish Elizabethan' edition, published 2012, set in a timeless universe): http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2012_04_01_archive.html

#5 ('Max's Space Museum' edition, published 2013, set in 7114): http://www.alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/news-views-and-music-issue-7114-maxs.html

#6 (Max's Scrapbook' edition, published 2014 set in 2099):
http://www.alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/max-dogs-picture-book-news-views-and.html   and http://www.alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/max-dogs-picture-book-part-two-news.html

#7 ('Multiverse with famous authors writing for the AAA' edition, published and set in 2015)
http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2015_03_29_archive.html


#8 ('The Story and Discography of Pixie Drainpipe', published 2016, set in 5838)
http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.com/2016/04/april-fools-day-2016-pixie-drainpipe.html




2 comments:

  1. Hey, great choice of Secretary of Fashion! Terry Sylvester will represent you well; not a hair out of place!

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    Replies
    1. Haha I wonder who this could be?!? Thanks Roselyn Dolphin, had to give Terry a good job now didn't I?!? 8>)

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