Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Max The Dog's 'Picture Book' Part Two (News Views and Music 176761 1/4/2099)

Continued from the very exciting part one (in which the HMS Max sails and reveals his cane addiction...)



♫ Various Artists News: While several AAA bands are no more, don't despair! There's now a long line up of AAA tribute acts treading the boards in a galaxy near you! Open for tickets now include The Beach Volley Boys (Beach Boys), In A Bit Of A Pickle (Dire Straits), Thankyou Rigor Mortis (Grateful Dead), The Herbert Hoover Hanglider (Jefferson Airplane) and My Little Ponies (Crazy Horse).



♫ Various Artists News: Following the success of last year's event the fifth AAA-sponsored 'Snoozestock' Festival taking place next month - to raise money for chronic fatigue. m.e. and fibromyalgia sufferers -  looks as if it will be bigger than ever. The event is being beamed around the world so sufferers can watch it from their beds and in the middle of the night when they're most likely to be awake! (Check out the BBC -  Belobrat Broadcasting Company - channel 12 listings for more details). Performances this year include several AAA bands who have reunited especially for the gig to sing their AAA themed songs including The Beatles ('I'm So Tired' 'I'm Only Sleeping' and a special extended version of 'Twist and Shout Before You Get Comfy'), Graham Nash ('Another Sleep Song'), Cat Stevens ('A Bad Night' and 'I'm So Sleepy'), The Beach Boys ('I Went To Sleep') The Kinks ('Just Can't Go To Sleep' 'Sleepwalker' and 'Sleepless Night'), Pink Floyd ('Uncomfortably Numb'), The Small Faces ('Every Little Bit Hurts'), Neil Young ('Bad Brainfog of Loneliness') and The Who (with their modified Eddie Cochran cover 'Aching All Over'). Ex-sufferers like Belle and Sebastian's Stuart Murdoch (singing 'Sleep The Clock Around') and Cher will be the headline acts. The event will raise money for research into the illness, care and comfort for the sufferers and their families and something guaranteed to cheer every me/cfs patient up: a special trip to Dartmoor Prison where those who suffered under the tyrannical Coalition rule can throw rotten eggs at David Cameron, Ian Duncan Smith and Nick Clegg!



♫ The Austounders News: Dog's recently returned from a highly successful cruise where he was voted 'second best dressed canine' after our very own Max! Meanwhile, the new Austounders compilation 'Still Dungareed, Still Dangerous' is out now on our own 'Spareroom Studios' label!



The Beach Boys News: The ever so slightly re-worked single 'I Get Around (On My Motor-scooter') is storming up the charts!



♫ The Beatles News:  The fab four's old record company Apple have been sold yet again - it's not Pine or CRAB that have bought them this time around but Carte D'or, meaning that from now on the company will be known as - yes, you guessed it - 'Applecarte'.



♫ The Kinks/Oasis News: Sibling rivalry is set to hit another fever pitch as the second run of releases by the two halves of two of the 20th century's greatest bands continue to work together. Today elder brothers Ray Davies and Noel Gallagher releasing their second album as 'Kinky Birds' with such songs as 'Wonderwall on Dead End Street' and 'You Really Got Me Looking Back In Anger'. Meanwhile younger brothers Liam Gallagher and Dave Davies are to release their new single as 'Kinky Eyes' next month: 'Lola Lyla' backed with 'Be Here Now 'Cos I'm So Tired Of Waiting For You'.



♫ The Monkees News: Here they come, hovergliding down your street...yes that's right, the revived Monkees TV series will be back by the end of the year and the 18th series will again be sponsored by Alan's Album Archives. The plotlines include Micky being abducted by a bunch of clandusprod aliens from Frodis, Peter competes in Strictly Come Dancing (where he comes last to a bunch of cheating four-legged aliens), Davy's ghost falls in love with the American president Jill Clinton and Mike is trying to post old clips of the Monkees to Youtube, but doesn't get a single view!



♫  Pentangle News: The band who love to explore old songs and bring them up to date have a new album out soon, said to be the best exploration of the ancient world since Mike's Dad recorded his own album 'She's About A Hoover'. The album, to be entitled 'Shopping Trolley of Light' includes late 21st century re-workings of such classics as Morning Has Broken, She Loves You and Lady Gaga's 'Pokerface'.



♫ Pink Floyd News: The recently reunited band continue their run of live performances. After 'Dark Side Of The Moon' performed on the dark side of the moon and 'The Wall' at the recently rebuilt 'Hadrian's Wall' (built after Scotland voted 'yes' to independence!) comes 'The Division Bell' performed inside Big Ben!



♫ Rolling Stones News: The band have a new live album out - their 27th this decade, a record even for them! Entitled 'Stones In Space' the latest release features the band playing on board their own 'Soul Survivor' Mars module and features epic re-recordings of their songs '2000 Light Years From Home' 'In Another Land' 'Moonlight Mile' 'Who's Been Driving Your Lunar Module?' and 'Star Star'!



♫ The Who News: The Dr Who theme tune re-recording 'Talking 'Bout My Regenerations' for new doctor Richard O'Brien continues to storm the intergalactic charts!



♫ Neil Young News: Well, it took a while but 'Archives: The Centuries Volume II' is finally here! Mopping up the albums from 2000-2050, the set includes such gems as 'Falling Off The Face Of The Earth' 'Oodlespingt' (the tribute to the belobrat protestors prosecuted by William G Bush) and the anniversary single 'Harvest Festival'. 





Lulu
"Still Shouting!"
(Out now on 'Many a Decca Makes a Mecca' Records)
At last! At the 57th time of asking Lulu has finally delivered on the promise she first showed right back when she was a wee 15-year-old lass singing r and b songs. Time and again we'd say she has the voice and she has the talent but not the songs, while Lulu herself always thought that her career had stalled when her image got 'too nice' and her rock and roll friends began to despair of her becoming more than a middle-of-the-road act. Now she's back for more, working with close friends Pete Townshend, Paul McCartney and Dave Davies to release a rocking record that barely pauses for breath from one moment to the next. 'To Circumstances, With Love' is a blistering rocker about getting back on your feet again, 'I'm A Tigger' is as bouncy and full of life as it sounds and 'The Dog Who Sold The World' is Lulu's special tribute to her favourite canine, our very own Max. A very welcome affirmation that Lulu is one of the greatest singers in the business. Now all we need is for Grace Slick to come out of retirement and we'll be happy...

The Beach Boys
"Made In California - Now Living In Basingstoke"
(out now on 'Capitol C' Records)
By our reckoning there's a new Beach Boys rarities/box set released every decade. This 10th version mops up the last few remaining tracks that hadn't come out on previous sets, adds in a 12th remix of 'Can't Wait Too Long' and the 2060 re-recording of 'Good Vibrations' using an alien waggastick instead of a theremin. Like the other sets, it's amazing just how good even the most obscure Beach Boys songs are, although featuring a good half of the tracks from all the Beach Boys reunion sets down the years - the 'That's Why God Made The... Radio' 'TV' and 'Hairdryer' trilogy - is testing our patience just a little too far. The Dennis and Carl Wilson androids aren't quite right yet either - the Beach Boys are one of the first bands to use this new technology open to us and the 'old-new' boys aren't quite up to scratch just yet!


The Spice Girls
"Spice Lake: The Ballet"
(Hopefully out never on 'Spice Up Your Dancing Films')
Well, it was inevitable wasn't it? After the Beatles cover albums, 'Spice Girl Babies - The Animated Series' and 'Spice: The Opera' there was nowhere else really to go was there? Very Scary, Screechy, Squeally, Squirmy and Squashed-Face Spice (have fun guessing which one's which!) are back for more kung-fu kicks pertaining to be art. Oh how your reviewer howled when he was forced to sit through this so-called ballet, full of 'Spice Girls' type posing and an 'interpretation' to the lyrics 'I really really really wanna zig-a-zig-ah!' that was even more mind-boggling than the music video (now banned in 57 countries on grounds of taste!) Apparently the Spice Girls are struggling to keep their franchise going (latest tagline: 'If you wanna be my lover, you gotta bore all my fans!') and this monstrosity may yet be cancelled and never see the light of day. We hope! They say it's not over till the fat lady sings. Some chance! This ballet lasts for five hours, the fattest person in it is stick-thin Posh Spice and none of them can sing! Pure unadulterated torture - so a bit like every other Spice Girls product on the market then!




A SPECIAL REPORT ON THE TIME-PORTAL JUMP BY DR ZEUS


 


Dear all, hello! It's so nice to be welcomed back into the AAA fold after our little, erm, accident with the timelines a few years back. Don't worry if you don't remember it - it's better for you if you don't really, although some people seem to have had a fun time dancing with dinosaurs and hanging out with the Romans (err, sorry if you were one of the people who got eaten by either before we could get to you). We know that despite the hiccups time travel is really safe and easy - honest it is - and we're grateful to Alan's Album's Archives for starting their funding up again (even if it was all Max The Dog's fault really!) We have a dream, dear readers, and that dream is undiminished despite all these teething problems - the idea that one day time travel will become as everyday as walking, hangliding and tickling pet Argibraffes. We at BoFace time travel are still determined to travel to the past and future and we even roped professor Brian Cox into giving a lecture on the subject which was really good until we, err, lost him. Ah well. 


Meanwhile, to show there's still good will between us all we're back to offering our regular competition where you have the chance to win a green-ray disc full of all the unusual combinations of groups that went on during our 'out of time' phase. There's the Rolling Stones with stone-age cavemen, Sting playing lutes with Medieval minstrels and Buddy Holly and the Hollies, complete with a cover designed by Picasso during his 'Moody Blues' period. All you need to do to enter is give the punchline to the following joke 'A human, a clandusprod and a Belobrat walked into a bar...' (sadly we won't be accepting the answer 'and they all reversed the polarity of the neutron flow by changing their interstitial particles around using a flux capacitor and a nexus point, on the grounds that it's far too obvious!) and send it in to the usual u-mail (universal mail) address! And you could be the first person in your time stream to hear what music was like back in the days when we, err, ruptured time (unless you remember it all of course, in which case we're still deeply deeply sorry!)


Remember, time travel is cooler than a Clandusprod in the Winter Olympics and it was your support that made it all possible in the olden days - hopefully we'll, err, get it right this time around! Thanks again and we hope to see you soon in the pages of this marvellous rag, even though Max The Dog did cause all the problems - or indeed later, such is the life of a time traveller ho ho! Goodbye for now, Dr Zeus (not that much of a relation, honest!)
 

NELSON'S COLUMN


in 2022 we sent our roving reporter Nelson back in time...Now 77 years later Nelson is still trying to find his way back home to the AAA office, while doing good deeds for AAA musicians!


Last week Nelson had found himself in 1966 telling the Moody Blues to quit their R and b shenanigans for a life of prog rock concept albums. This week, as our roving reporter starts his 77th year 'out of time' he finds himself sharing a cell with a rock star in 1967..
.

"That really wasn't very good you know." I feel a fraud saying those lined to one of my all-time favourite bands ever, but I know from my musical history that it has to be done and that this band can only get better. "I only get a few bob each week to take my wife out and I've wasted it watching you lot!' I don't dare let on that my wife won't be born until this band are in their 70s - and that I won't get to know her until we meet as time travellers during the Renaissance. 

'You' I say pointing to the long-haired skinny guitarist 'need to grow some Wings. The rest of you need to get back to work on a new sound before time runs out. I mean how many hours of the day are there before the days of the future pass? How about an orchestra?'
'For an R and B band?!' the loud mouthed flautist enquires. The rest of the band look blank. Was this a hint too far? Unperturbed I carry on...

'At the moment you're just singers in a rock and roll band - and you could all be so much more!'

The Moody Blues sigh and look dejected, as if I've just somehow put into words what they're all thinking.

'Who are you anyway?' the chisel-jawed piano player enquires.

Oh dear, I was waiting for this - time for my backup plan! I then get a phone out of my pocket, hoping the five of them won't notice the fact that I shouldn't be carrying a mobile around with me in 1966. 

'I meant to say, there's a phone-call you've just missed from Eric Burdon about a guitarist he's got going spare, Justin something-or-other. Sounds good, I think you should check him out!'

And with that I walk out the door, pausing only to listen back to what they're saying.
'He's right you know that bloke', the drummer melancholy drawls. Most of the band nod in agreement, while Denny Laine looks the other way and clutches his Beatles-style guitar. My job here is done. 

Suddenly...AAAAAGHHHH!...The moment I walk out from backstage into the corridor there I am with that familiar feeling once again as I prepared to go ‘out of time’. Where was my monkeynuts editor sending me this week? I just hoped it was somewhere a bit noisier, that's all (those Moody Blues never seem to talk y’know!) 

Blooming heck, where was I now?! Open fields I wanted, blue skies and a bit of country living like I had working for that very nice Ronnie Lane the other week but no - they've only gone and bleeding thrown me in prison!

What's more there was another figure in the cell with me - I panicked as I realise no one else is meant to see me time travel (if they saw me then everyone would want a go!)
But no, my cellmate is fast asleep and only stirs when I walk over to gaze at him. He has the greatest lips I've ever seen - and believe me I know a lot of big-lipped clandusprod aliens. Suddenly he stirs. 

'OO the 'ell are 'oo?' he barks at me. I get my translator circuits out and work out that my new cellmate actually means 'who the hell are you?'

'I'm Nelson, your new cell mate!'

He groans. 'They told me I'd at least be here in Keef. Even solitary confinement wouldn't be too bad. I suppose you're going to be pestering me for autographs during the 'ole time we're in 'ere then are ya? What's your name then?'

'Nelson. Umm, not meaning to be rude but - who are you?'

My cellmate groans again. 

'I'm only bleeding Mick Jagger of the bleeding Rolling Stones! I knew there was no way my career could come back from this - the public have forgotten me already! And on a trumped up charge too! What are you in 'ere for anyway?'

I remember what my editor told me when I started this adventure 77 years ago and made up something plausible on the spur-of-the-moment. I told him I'd accidentally discovered the Spice Girls, an organisation too horrible for public consumption, and head been thrown in here for life. My new cellmate doesn't look that surprised, surprisingly.

'That sounds a lot worse than what they got me for - a pot of prescription sleeping pills a doctor gave me!'

'Eh?' I'm confused and consult my time-travelling rule book. 'Sleeping pills aren't illegal till the 25th century!' I cry.

'Well they bleeding got me for them anyway, any old excuse really - such a travesty of justic!. It's Keith I feel sorry for. He got done because I was taking them on his property - and got a worse sentence than me! And what's going to 'appen to poor Brian? He might fall apart - or worse, become a star without us'

I sympathise with him as best I can.

'Look, I'm sorry if I was short with you before. To be honest I've been putting on an act ever since I thought I might end up in the nick so I could get through it all. I never really thought they'd do it to me - the court room was a bit of a joke to be honest. And now the reality of it all has hit me! I mean look at this uniform- stripes! Even a white dress would be better, like the one Marianne has that I quite fancy...'

 I've found the page I want in my time-travelling almanac and decide to try cheering him up.

'Surely the media will get you out! What about the Guardian?' I declaim.

He snorts. 'The papers won't help the likes of me, even with such a travesty of justice! That means...the Stones will be over. I had such dreams about it lasting 50 years, reuniting every few years even when we're old and gray...'

'You can't crush a butterfly with a wheel!' I nod, winkingly.

'What the 'ell is that supposed to mean? A butterfly? The world thinks of us as caterpillars, slugs even. And what the hell is the wheel meant to be? 'The wheels of jutsice'?...'

I decide to make my forlorn friend feel better and offer him something from my pocket.
'Have a Mars bar...err, don't look at the date on it!' I say, hiding the fact that I bought it out of a Venus vending machine in 3004.

'Are you having a laugh?!' Jagger swaggers away, 'That mars bar story was planted by the pc plods who broke into our house! I don't even like chocolate - well, not eating it that way anyway... Ere, 'ang on a minute, you can make yourself useful. 'Ave a read of this!'

He points out some lyrics he's been furiously scribbling. I glance at his handwriting and recognise the song as one I used to sing while out on holiday to Alpha Centauri: the first draft of '2000 Light Years From Home'. It's already a masterpiece, even without the lonely Brian Jones mellotron to go with it. I look on my companion with awe.

'Is it ok?' he drawls. 'You're probably the only person ever to see it you know, except me mum - if she doesn't disown me because of all this that is!'

'You'll be released soon, I'm sure of it' I tell him.

'Oh yeah? Seven year stretch this is - and I'll probably get more time added on for bad behaviour from the guards who 'ate the Stones too! I'm not gonna waste my time here though - I've got great plans for when we finally do get out. We're gonna do this other song I've been writing called 'We Love You' and we're gonna film a mock up court scene for the video all about the Oscar Wilde trial which was just as ridiculous as ours was. Blimey, we'll be in our 30s by the time we get out...too old for rock and rollers I suppose! I wonder what people will have moved on to? Or whether they'll still be worshipping the bleeding Beatles like always!'

I chuckle knowingly at the thought of '30' being 'too old to rock 'n' roll'. But my chuckle is shortlived - there's a guard at the door and he doesn't look happy. Not one little bit. 

'You're out!' he snarls. 

'Ah nice one Nelson - give my regards to the outside world!' says Mick.

'No - its you - out!' 

'Keith too?'

'Yep, a few minutes ago!'

'Why?'

'Wouldn't you like to know?!'

The news has an amazing transformative effect on Mick. His shoulders are no longer slumped, the defeat is gone from his eyes and he's already doing his hair.

'Take me to my public!' he says, before turning and whispering in my ear, 'Don't worry son - we'll get you out too!' 

'No need' I smile as I can feel the familiar tingling going on throughout my body and I know that I am about to move on in time. 'Give my regards to Jumping Jack Flash!' I say.

'To 'oo?' says Jagger as I disappear before the startled pair. I curse as I remember the Stones haven't actually written that song yet and I may have inadvertently inspired another masterpiece. Oh well, such is life! I have tried to do my job in this time zone - I only hope that I have done some good. And then the lights swirl and I am on my way again...


DOCTOR WHO

 

Dear reader, it's been a long time coming but we can reveal that the 'Max The Dog' special episode of Dr Who will be going ahead as planned in the 197th series of everyone's favourite time-traveller-with-antlers! The episode will be broadcast around Max's 100th birthday next month and is a special tribute to him after the AAA's support and sponsorship of the sci-fi series during the past 70 years.


The story, entitled 'Maxryn Undead - Remastered', will feature Max as a guest time traveller that the Dr's companions Mary, Perry, Terry and June plus new sidekick Dave the Delightful Dalek mistake for their own regenerating timelord. However Max's practical joke (he's tied the real Dr - played as ever in this incarnation by  Richard O'Brien - up in the Tardis broom closet) comes unstuck when the Master (played by Bonnie Langford) gets involved! 



His latest fiendish plot has seen him steal all of the galaxy's greatest music - as chosen by Alan's Album Archives down the years - and filling the world with Spice Girls music instead. Max and his four assistants will have to travel to the planet Melodia to get them back!
 
Look out for lots of cameos from the musical world popping up during the episode including Dennis Wilson as a Thal, Pete Townshend as a Cyberman, Mick Jagger as a Raston Warrior Robot, The Human League as disembodied aliens (bit of a shock the group aren't human eh as revealed on these very pages last year!), Simon and Garfunkel as the rowing ends of the twin-headed Myrka and Grace Slick as the Rani. 


Will Max and friends succeed? Let's hope so - or we're in a lot of trouble trying to fill these pages for next week's issue! Featured below is a publicity shot of Max in action with Dalek friend (or is that fiend?).
  
Maxyrn with Dave the Delightful Dalek on the Dr Who set!








And finally, our traditional closing spot of our 'top six', this week celebrating Max The Dog's many radio and TV appearances, as voted for by you in our poll last issue (176-166).

top gear episode #967: b/cast April 1st 2029

Clarkson: I'd now like to welcome my next guest. He's cooler than a penguin in a fridge, wears a bigger top hat than David Lloyd George and knows more about music than a posse of banjos being played by an octopus reincarnation of Keith Moon, he's that all round road-hog hound-dog Max The Singing Dog!

Max: Thankyou! Nice to be here!

Clarkson: Now, I've been trying to get you on the show for years because I'm such a huge fan! What made you finally say yes?

Max: Well to be honest I've been a bit ashamed of the cars I drive -or get my chauffeur to drive me in! I've been in a Red Bull the last few years that the f1 team kindly gave me, but of course they've had such a rubbish time of it recently I didn't want to let on what I owned since they kept coming last!

Clarkson: Yes, it was a real shock when Marussia won the championship in 2015! Do you remember Sebastian Vettel who kept winning everything? I met him driving my taxi the other day.  Anyway what vehicle do you own now?

Max: Well naturally I own a Rover, like most dogs who drive, but I also own a Honda Jazz and a Ford-C-Max, which has my face on it!

Clarkson: I was reading somewhere that you don't actually have a licence but you're still allowed to drive. is that true?

Max: Well I have a dog license - that's close enough!

Clarkson: What about your rolls?

Max: I put them back in the green-room as I'm not very hungry!

Clarkson: No, your Rolls-Royce?

Max: Oh yes, silly me! I had a top hat specially built for the car so everyone would know it was me, but I have awful trouble driving under bridges!

Clarkson: Well, who'd like to see Max's lap? Eh? Lap-Dog?! Ha Ha! Ha Ha! Erm...You were a little slow away there Max!

Max: Yes, it's not easy driving in a top hat while holding a cane!

Clarkson: You're doing better there though...nicely done through Gambon...and across the line. You did it in.....4 hours 33 minutes and 22 seconds which puts you, err, last by three hours! But looking at the positives you are the fastest dog ever to have driven round our track, so hurrah!

Max: Ta very much!
 


THE JOHNATHAN ROSS SHOW SERIES 14 EPISODE 22        1/4/2044

(Musical intro - Three Sugar Puff Monsters and a Pianola playing 'New York New York')

Wossy: Well good evening ladies and gents, it's time to give a very big hand - ha ha we always want to give a big hand now don't we? In this case of course a big hand isn't going to get you very far because our guest doesn't have hands. Actually what do dogs have? Oh yes they have paws don't they? Oh and when I say 'paws' I don't mean 'pause' - I mean this is a guest you should keep on clapping for right up to the minute he sits down. At least I think he sits - do dogs sit? Anyway I digress, ladies and gentleman, that's what I'm doing. And this show is more digressing than most! Anyway where's our guest gone? Max The Singing Dog, bring him on!

Max: Hel---

Wossy: Now then Max - or is that Maxamillion? - I'm so pleased that we've finally got you out of your kennel to speak to us because, truly, you are one of the breakthrough megastars of the moment am I right? What must that feel like, to be so totally everywhere, when every time you turn around there's a picture of you looking, you know, dog-like. Because this isn't a normal profession for you is it? Not being a dog - I should imagine that comes to you pretty natural, but fronting a music review website that the whole world's talking about, even in Moldova. I mean - wow, yes?!

Max: Well, I...

Wossy: Exactly! I mean, who saw that coming, right? I wouldn't have done in your position! I'd have just settled for a life of bones and chasing sticks and sniffing bottoms if you know what I mean. Which is a pretty good mirror for what I do on this show actually! Only don't go there or they'll take me off the air again! 

Max: You could say I...

Wossy: You must have had a real drive, which makes you sound like a formula one driver, I mean can you even drive? Are dogs allowed in cars? I know you have to leave the windows open while you're driving just in case...Anyway, we've spent too long on that, let's get onto something else. You've just been voted the most sartorially elegant dog by a recent magazine. How do you feel about that Max? 

Max: Umm....

Wossy: I mean, I was going to say I bet Scooby Doo was outraged, but I forgot he doesn't wear anything! I mean, what's that all about anyway that look with the top hat and the cane, you look like Fred Astaire but then again your Ginger Rogers if you know what I mean (nudge, wink)

Max: Err, I...

Wossy: Well that about wraps up another show. Next week we're going to have retired footballer and current Pope Wayne Rooney on to show us how to play 'Morning Has Broken' on the Vuvuzuela and we'll also be asking why Mary Berry signed up for the lead role in the latest 'Terminator' Film. More on that after the advert break, nowdon'tyougoaway!....
 





QUESTION TIME EDITION 7473                       B/CAST DATE: 2063

One of the Dimblebys: Hello and welcome to another packed 'Question Time', tonight with a panel made up of some snide politician who knows too much, some snide politician who doesn't know anywhere near enough, some sensible politician who hasn't got a hope of getting into power, a journalist who writes such trash I wouldn't be seen eating my fish and chips out of it and a well loved celebrity that everyone will clap even though they're completely out of their depth. If I can firstly turn to you, Max, do you think politics has turned a corner since you helped prove what a bunch of tyrants the Coalition Government were?

Max: Well, if I may say so - and with the utmost respect - it seemed obvious to me that for Britain to be a real democracy politicians had to be treated the same as everyone else. No pricey second homes, no long list of expenses and an independent inquiry that looked into how the cabinets were being run that was so remote they couldn't possibly be bribed because nobody knew who they were.

Dimbleby: Things have certainly run smoother since your suggested changes were taken on-board with immediate effect. What change are you proudest of?

Max: Well if I may so - and with the utmost respect - for me, the ban on heckling in the House of Commons makes prime miister's question time so much better. In the bad old days the MPs used to act like children, barking and snarling at each other all the time whereas now only one person is allowed to speak at a time and they have an allotted time limit. Also, questions can be put forward directly from the public and our petitions are no longer ignored as they used to be. Do you remember the hundreds of thousands of people who asked Ian Duncan Smith to live off £71 a week jobseekers?

Dimbleby: Yes indeed. A very strong debate there with more sense than the rest of the panel put together.

Max: Ta very much!

Dimbleby: I bet he wishes he could have much money right now - he's going to be paying off the taxpayers for centuries to come as well as serving a life sentence along with David Cameron for crimes against humanity.

Max: And dogs!

Dimbleby: Yes, quite. And now we turn to our next guest who is far less popular, the remains of Nick Clegg and his now characteristic head in a jar...





So Graham Norton! Series 54 episode 14         b/cast 1/4/2072

Graham Norton: I'm sitting here wearing a top hat and a cane, I bark like a dog and I'm clutching a whole bunch of records under my arm. Who am I?!

Audience Member: Fred Astaire turning into a werewolf?

Graham: Close enough - let's bring some guests on! What a sofa full of stars we have for you tonight! But first - he's spreading the news, he's leaving today, it's...Max the Dog!....nnnhhhnnhhhnnnhnnnn

Max: Thankyou Graham, it's nice to be here sitting next to Judi Dench, Anthony Hopkins and Scarlett Johnasson. Although I've got a bone to pick with you, as it were.

GN: Oh dear.

Max: This Norton Anti-Virus Software I bought from your company last week - it doesn't work at all,  it just keeps inviting all these malware viruses in for a chat! Boom! Boom!

GN: Nnnnfnnnfnnn what a laugh you are! Now sit down and take the weight off your top hat! Now let's talk about your Eurovision entry ten years ago. What made you think that pulling a velcro-hat off mid-song was going to bring out the votes?

Max: Well, to be honest I wasn't in too good a place back then Graham. Alan's Album Archives had just lost out to Albert's Album Almanac as the 21st century's greatest website and I took it hard. At one point I was up to 15 top hats a day. I didn't know what I was doing half the time!

GN: We-eeeeeeell you soon bounced back again. And I believe you have a new book out all about your addiction?

Max: Yes it's called 'Max-imum Mistakes' and is out now as a Penguin Classic!

GN: I've been reading it all the way in the car and I have to say, genuinely, it's the best thing I've read since the last celebrity who was on last week chatting about their book! I really mean that!

Max: Ta very much!

GN: You were with Alan's Album Archives from the start weren't you?

Max: Yes I was, I helped out with a lot of the research for the 12,000 words we used to write every week back then, after that I appeared in the first ever Youtube Video they made and after that the site just kept getting bigger and bigger and so did me and my top hats.

Dame Judy: Talking of 'big' where did you get the cute hat you're wearing now, big boy?! 

Max: Heel Dame Judy, heel! I knew you were going to give me trouble!

Anthony Hopkins: I do Tommy Cooper impressions you know...

GN: Yes I know, we'll be with you soon, goodness the guests are being difficult on the show tonight. Err, moving on to the red chair - in a special treat we've turned it into a red kennel, isn't that sweet?

Susie Poodle: Hello Max, or should I say 'Dadd......' (Max pulls the lever)

GN: And that's all we've got time for!!! Join us on next week's show!




JUST A MINUTE EPISODE 374769573T3485689686746346   1/4/2081

Nicholas Parsons: As the minute waltz fades away it's my pleasure to introduce you to three erudite, witty, intelligent, clever, exciting and thesaurus-eating established players of the game; seated on my left  Paul Merton and Tony Hawks and on my right Gyles Brandreth and a newcomer whose never played the game before, Max The Singing Dog. Beside me is Queen Elizabeth II who is going to serve out her community service by blowing her whistle when the 60 seconds are up and add up the points. And I invite all of them to speak on a variety of subjects without hesitation, repetition or deviation and the first subject is 'Alan's Album Archives'. Tony, this week we start with you, you have sixty seconds, good luck!

Tony Hawks: I first came across 'Alan's Album Archives' when I was travelling on my second trip around Ireland with a freezer. He wasn't all that good company to be honest so I spent much of my time listening to music on my worn-out mp3 player. Luckily they had a really good internet connection so I was able to while away the hours downloading all the best music featured on Alan's Album Archives *buzz*

Gyles Brandreth: Repeat of 'Alan's Album Archives'.

Nicholas: Oh what a shame! You were really going there!

Tony: Hang on, 'Alan's Album Archives' is on the card isn't it?

Nicholas: Oh yes, silly me, well listened Tony and 37 seconds are still with you on 'Alan's Album Archives...starting now!

Tony:....

Paul Merton: Hesitation! You could have eaten a Ham sandwich in that gap! A ham sandwich!

Nicholas: Yes, alright Paul, 36-and-a-half seconds are with you on 'Alan's Album Archives' starting now...

Paul: Well, it's simply the best website around isn't it really? I mean - it's bonkers. Cows talking about Pink Floyd albums, 13,000 words every single week and talking and singing dogs in the videos, I ask you... *buzz*

Gyles: There's nothing bonkers about Max The Singing Dog, who is sitting alongside me and I have to say is looking especially fetching tonight! He's also the spitting image of me - he could be my child!

Paul: Or your grandchild!

Nicholas: What am I meant to do in a situation like this? I know - I'll put it to the audience, if you want Paul to win cheer for him and shout boo for Gyles. What's that? Everyone is singing New York New York and raising their top hats? Max, I presume they want you to speak, so here we are, 22 seconds on 'Alan's Album Archives' starting now...

Max: When I look back on when we started Alan's Album Archives and where we are now I get all emotional. Who thought when I agreed to appear in that first Youtube video that one day I would be sitting alongside such an esteemed panel and trying not to hesitate, repeat myself or - what's the other one? - oh yes, deviate. My girlfriend Bella is a big fan and especially loves Clement Freud whose listing technique may come in handy when talking about a site that features reviews of The Austounders, The Beach Boys, The Beatles, Belle and Sebastian... *whistle blow*

Nicholas: Max The Speaking Dog was singing - sorry - Max The Singing Dog was speaking when the whistle went and 60 seconds were up and he's leapt forward hugely into the lead, one point ahead of Paul Merton, Gyles Brandreth and Tony hawks in that order...


The archers episode 893645859382747595038374845957    1/4/2092

Ed Grundy: Oo-arr! Where you going then?

Joe Grundy: I'm off to do me afternoon milking, so I am, oo-arr

Ruth: Oh no! 

Ed Grundy: Why you don't want to be doing that!

Joe Grundy: Why ever not? is there trouble at t'farm again? It's not the ferrets that have got out onto the roof and dislodged the Ariel so I have to go out and plunge to my death before mysteriously regenerating with a new voice and accent again is it?

Joe Grundy: Worse! Why there was a dog singing there a minute ago and he's curdled all the milk so he has!

Ruth: Oh no!

(fade out on animal noises and more 'oh no!'s)

Gem Archer: It's an honour having such a prestigious musician on the farm as you, Max The Singing Dog! Why I remember back in my days as the guitarist for Oasis you used to get reviews of our music spot-on!

Max: Ta very much!

Gem:  I remember you covered one of our hits really well too. How did it go again?...

Max: 'I'm spreading the news, I'm leaving today, I want to be a part of it....'

Gem: Err, no, not that one - the song that's in your script!

Max: Oh sorry! 'Is it my imagination or have I finally found something worth living for? But in the end all I found were top hats, canes and overalls...'

Cows: Moo

Joe Grundy: Well, this is all very well but it won't get the pigs in!



Well, that's all from us for now! Tune your sub-data wavelengths into this channel next week to be sure of receiving some more news, views and music - or, alternatively, simply wait for your robot drone to deliver it as normal (let's hope they don't fall down a black hole again this week...)

Remember we still pride ourselves on providing you with the greatest music the galaxy has to offer and we've got more than ever before to bring you now that Earth has made interstellar contact with three planets (and counting!)

We won't forget our illustrious past either - we well remember the days when we thought we'd covered every single AAA album in depth - before the aliens came and proved otherwise! We'll continue our articles on our ancient history next week with more from those who were there - and the opinions of some of those who weren't!
See you soon, dear readers, for more news, views and music right the way up to the 22nd century!

Editor - Ed 'Editor' Edwards

Layout - Scrappy Doo

Pictures - Scrappy Don't

IT Expert - Mike 'Face Of Bo' Fitzpatrick

Jovial Banter and Booze - Bingo

Draft Excluder - Geraldine Giraffe

In memory of our founder, Alan, whose skeleton - complete with implant headphones - can still be seen in the Bellobrax Museum on Trakkion Five








IN NEXT WEEKS' EDITION!

v Photos from max's party!


v  NEWS, VIEWS AND MUESLI: WE SPEAK TO ANOTHER AAA FOUNDING MEMBER, SUGAR PUFF MONSTER


v  WE REVIEW MAX'S LATEST BOOK 'MAX-I-MUM R AND B REVIEWS'


v  THE LATEST BY CRAZY HORSE TRIBUTE BAND 'MY LITTLE PONIES'


v  THE SPICE GIRLS - DO THEY CAUSE GLOBAL WARMING?


v  WHERE ARE THEY NOW: MICHAEL FITZPATRICK


v  And a REPRINTING OF A 'CLASSIC' News, Views and Music Newsletter from April 1st 2014 (long dismissed as an elaborate practical joke published on April Fool’s Day!)



v   © 2099 SpareScrapbook Studios









A SELECTION OF OUR PAST ALAN’S ALBUM ARCHIVES APRIL FOOL’S DAY ISSUES YOU MIGHT ALSO BE INTERESTED IN...

#1 (written 2009, set in 2034):
http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2009_03_29_archive.html

#2(written 2010, set in 2110):
http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_03_28_archive.html

#3 (written 2011, set in 2026):
http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2011_03_27_archive.html
#4 (written 2012, set in 1548 in a parallel universe where all time happens at once):
http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2012_04_01_archive.htmlhttp://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2012_04_01_archive.html
  
#5 (written in 2013, set in 71114, 'Max's 'Space Museum' Edition):



http://www.alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/news-views-and-music-issue-7114-maxs.htmlhttp://www.alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/news-views-and-music-issue-7114-maxs.html


Here's the link back to part for those who missed it! http://www.alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/max-dogs-picture-book-news-views-and.html



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