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ING POD: Brian Wilson talks about 'Smile'
Hello everybody/species/clandusprod and welcome to the 22nd issue of our News, Views and Music Newsletter in this, our 102nd year. It barely seems like a quarter of a century since we set off on our quest to explore forgotten albums and ever since the first 101 album reviews first appeared we’ve gone from strength to strength, checking out music from all the known corners of the Western Spiral Galaxy (all 42 inhabited planets’ worth!)
Along with our fine feathered friends at the MMM (The Mekkron Music Museum) we’ve made it our job to enlighten you on all the current trends (whod’ve thought I-pods would become fashionable again a mere century after their creation) and we’re indebted to you, our audience, for supporting us and voting us inside the top 300 most influential galaxy-wide websites for the first time.
Rest assured the current issue you hold in your hands/wings/fins/ quaddarkits features all of your old favourites – in classic retro 2D style this week, which makes a nice change and has got me feeling all nostalgic again. Oh and we’ve ironed out the small mistakes in last week’s trial 6th dimension mode (sorry about those singed eyebrows everyone on Zetus!)
This issue, you can read more about our friends at BoFace Time Travel (they even say they’re going to have another shot at sending an issue back in time to our early years in 2010 – imagine the shock of everyone reading this back then when we hadn’t even made interstellar contact!) – and our roving reporter Nelson will be providing the latest in his ‘time tunnel’ column (this week he’s writing from inside the Cavern Club on the fateful day Brian Epstein met The Beatles for the 1st time!)
There’s also our usual plethora of reviews, although we’ve had to trim them down a bit this month because there’s simply so much out this week! Not to mention our news section, which rounds up everything our AAA groups from the 20th, 21st and 22nd centuries are up to.
Sadly our regular columnists Brian Wilson, Paul McCartney, Pete Townshend and android XTH-97 are all on holiday this week (its peak holidaying season on the planet Zigorous Three this time of year!), but we did manage to catch a word with Brian before he went away – you can hear his thoughts on the recent deluxe 30 disc re-issue of the classic ‘Smile’ sessions on our freebie MP90. Oh and look out for some of the new tracks included – the band Tekkahaffagoflenstruding from the recently discovered (by Earth at least!) planet Mekka. And our old friends Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young who were back on Earth for the first time in half a century to celebrate the anniversary of classic album ‘Deja Vu’ (it certainly gave me Deja Vu seeing them together again!) So till next issue, happy reading!
What’s been happening in the news this week? Your weekly column with Philosophy Phil
Well I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – thank goodness for those kind species on Zigorous Three and their ability to regenerate us humans – otherwise I don’t think me and my other selves could ever have got through all the news we’ve had this week!
Austounders News: Everyone’s favourite band from the first half of the 21st century are still enjoying their latest reunion tour ‘Armless and Wrinkly’. Their recent single ‘Give Me My Bone’ and their 11th ‘Greatest Hits’ compilation ‘Dungarees Really Are Dangerous – We Warned You!’ are currently neck and neck at the top of the Earth charts. They’ve also made the intergalactic top 20 for the first time – not bad considering there are now 32 planets eligible for entry!
Beach Boys News: Surf’s Up! Brian Wilson and the Wondermints continue to tour the known galaxy by space shuttle, playing highlights from all 97 Beach Boys albums (and a complete medley of Brian’s ‘Smile’ trilogy – Smile, Smiley Smile II and Smiley Faces, you know, the one that took a century to complete). Mike Love, meanwhile, has now put an end to decades of rumours and discussion and formally joined Arthur Lee’s old band ‘Love’.
Beatle News: It’s been 102 years since we started this column and the Beatles have still only missed three weeks of entries! This time around its the news that the mega-alien marketing corporation giant CRAB (Computers, Robots And Beeping Machines) have just bought the rights to the Beatles’ Apple company and it will now be known formally as ‘Crabapple’ (they were, of course, known as Pineapple during their 30 year association with Pinewood Studios). Paul McCartney, meanwhile, has just released his 947th album ‘Band Still Running’ which earned rave reviews following his slight dip in form re-recording all the old Beatles LPs (like last year’s horrendous ‘Sgt Pepper’s Uncle’s Darts In Pub Band). Ringo, however, has become obsessed with his home town of Liverpool in recent years and is preparing the release of the third album in his trilogy I Love You My Wonderful Birthplace. The front cover displays Ringo’s complete reconstruction of his home city on the Earth’s artificial satellite ‘Monaco’ –and very like the 3D opening to the ‘Yellow Submarine’ film it looks too.
Belle and Sebastian News: B + S have re-recorded their theme tune for the new series of the dog drama remake ‘Belle and Sebastian’. And yes, that is the band performing ‘Dog On Wheels’ in the opening episode! I wonder what the creators of the original TV series would say if they knew that their creation would be remade 150 years later with a Clandusprod playing the canine role?! In other news B+S’ long overdue follow-up to the ‘Tigermilk’ album ‘Clandusprod-milk’ is due out in shops soon, featuring an interesting parallel debate between what life was like on hellopshere and Earth during the late 20th centuries.
Bingo’s Absolute Bedlam: Talking of canines, this talking dog’s latest opus ‘Drunk Again’ features the hound-dog tackling a range of styles from jazz to bagpipes, all of which is suitably loud and suitably ramshackle for the singer voted ‘most unlikely to sober up anytime soon’ and full of the sounds of the band going ‘hic!’ in each and every chorus as always.
The Giant Bordon And His Amazing Nose Flute News: This new act from the planet Zeteron is nothing to sneeze at (although he did once and it interrupted his career for a couple of years while he recovered we understand) – his instrumental versions of many AAA favourites rank highly among the releases okayed by the interplanetary song covers commission.
Buffalo Springfield News: The band have now reformed, with a real life buffalo filling in for sadly missed drummer Dewey Martin. Stephen Stills, Neil Young and Richie Furay all locked horns again during a special concert (a live recording – something every fan has been waiting for since 1965 – may be in the shops soon, along with a TV special filmed by the Boddarat Film Federation).
Byrds News: The band’s latest re-recording of an old classic, ‘Chestnut Clandusprod’, recently made the inter-galactic charts, charming the Western Spiral Galaxy. It follows ‘Mr Spaceman – That’s Me’ and the Who crossover medley ‘So You Want To Be A Rock N Roll Pinball Wizard’ into the charts (although neither release looks likely to overthrow the live moon shuttle recording of ‘8 Miles High’ as the band’s best selling single).
Clandusprod News: Those long armed aliens from the planet Hellopshere have delivered yet another stunning re-interpretation of a 1960s Earth classic: ‘Solar Tripper’ backed with ‘We Can Work It Out Now David Cameron’s Not In Power Anymore’ sounds really good in the hands of these Mrasianarts and I especially liked the interpretative dance during Ringo’s drum solo.
CSNY News: Amazingly, its 140 years since the quartet’s classic album ‘Deja Vu’ was released. Amazingly, it’s 103 years since ‘Deja Vu Live’ was released. Amazingly its 50 years since ‘Deja Vu Two’ was released. The four band members – who now live on different planets – don’t get together that often these days (although, hang on, they never did – even in the 20th century!) but they’ve all agreed to meet back on the planet Terra-Jaskel to promote this project (look out for the MP90 given away free with this issue!) If its half as good as their last album 15 years ago ‘Daylight Again Again’ it should be a treat! You know I’m sure I’ve written this paragraph before...
The Dropzone News: Earth hasn’t really been at the cutting edge of music for a while (we were, after all, the planet that invented hip-hop which has now been outlawed by no less than 17 of the known inhabited planets in the universe and the Spice Girls – need I say more?) but things are looking better for Earth music again now that this band have got their act together. Their last intergalactic tour did quite well, too – we actually had a band in the megaalien top 10 for the first time this century! The band’s latest 60s-ish sounding single ‘My John Lennon Shopping list’ is our now (you know, the one that name checks ‘Cold Turkey, Instant Karma, a Sweet Bird Of Paradox and some strawberry fields with cheese please’).
The Ewok Ninjas News: The band the AAA helped to prominence on four planets have paid tribute to their former colleague Michael ‘Face Of Bo’ Fitzpatrick in a new song ‘I Like Mike’. Those of you long-term readers who joined the AAA membership club about a century or so ago may remember Mike who, in his last incarnation, used to work for us before becoming chief IT technician on the Starfleet Enterprise scientific project and helped mastermind the BoFace Time Travel Industry (more on that later!) What a shame his latest regeneration made him look like the walking ghost of Michael Jackson (lots more on that story later...)
Grateful Dead News: The new incarnation of the band have just release their new quadruple-disc album. ‘Thankyou – Back From The Dead’ contains a total of two songs spread over the four discs and includes guitar solos spiritually imported from the ghost of Jerry Garcia (thank goodness for those paranormal scientists and their pioneering work communicating with spirits in the 2060s).
Great Mental Torment News: The 50-something a capella choir from the planet Mekkroid have just released their greatest hits. ‘I Wasn’t There in The 60s But I Can Remember What Happened’ is a classic collection of some of this band’s best known numbers, from ‘Ronnie Woodstock’ to ‘Can The Clandusprod’ out on the newly resurrected EMI Label (now named Extra-Terrestrial Music Industries, of course).
Hollies News: The next in the series of ‘covers’ albums is due for release and frankly we’re a bit scared: ‘Hollies Sing Spice Girls’ is hardly in the same league as the ‘Dylan’ ‘Buddy Holly’ ‘Beatles’ and ‘Oasis’ albums. To be frank, it’s even worse than the misguided post-Allan Clarke albums from the 2000/2010s (and that’s saying something!) but at least its an improvement on the Spice Girls themselves (mmm, hearing harmonies on the intro to ‘Wannabe’ –with no anti tramp diatribes attached – before the song launches into a quicksilver Tony Hicks guitar solo, the song almost sounds reasonable!)
Human League News: The Earth/Proxxid band made up of humans and Eurovadidids continue to go from strength to strength ever since our shock discovery 75 years ago that the Human League weren’t entirely human. Their new set of make-your-own-remixes (featuring full master tapes for one of their classic albums for fans to make their own mixes) is due for release next month titled ‘We DARE You’.
Jefferson Space Shuttle News: A mere 75 years after the Starship’s successful re-recording of ‘Blows Against The Empire’ in space, the surviving members of The Airplane met aboard the space station ‘Baxters’ (famous for its in-space bathing facilities) to re-record ‘Embryonic Journey’, the space age instrumental from their classic ‘Surrealistic Pillow’ album.
Janis Joplin News: More good news for Janis this week – her lungs were voted third in ‘the earthling features I’d most like to have’ opinion poll held on Zigorous Three recently. Other AAA members and their body parts mentioned in the poll include Ray Davies’ front teeth, Roger Daltrey’s chest hair and Micky Dolenz’s third arm.
Kinks News: Ray Davies recently completed his third term of office as Mayor Of London (the bit that wasn’t submerged when Atlantis rose from the sea, anyway) and is looking forward to hooking up with his brother Dave on the planet ‘Hellosphere’. The band’s new single ‘All Day And All Of The Night – Does Our Sun Never Go To Sleep?!’, specially recorded as a charity single for the troubled fellow industrial planet Morenta, is out soon and includes a friendly warning from Earth to that planet about the dangers of global warming (what a shame we lost America to tidal waves in that awful ecological catastrophe of 2038).
Lindisfarne News: The band’s latest re-recording ‘The choking pollution of the Fog On The Tyne’ recently re-entered the charts in a new 20” mix version. Expect the follow ups ‘Lady Eleanor With The Three Ears’ ‘Run For Home 11 Million Light Years Away’ and ‘Meet Me On The Corner Of Zetus Five’ to come out in the new format soon.
Max The Sinning Dog News: Max (formerly known as ‘the singing dog’ until his name was changed by deed poll in the clandusprod A-’ dictionary) is currently in New New York plugging his latest album ‘Singing In The Acid Rain’. He has also teamed up with the Ewok Ninjas to record a mammoth new tribute to Mike ‘The Face Of Bo’ Fitzpatrick titled ‘I Have Made Myself Immortal’ which lasts for around 20 hours.
The Metrafoundles News: This exciting new group promises to have just a good a year in 2010 as they had last year. Their psychedelic masterpiece ‘dakbckbKSDHFSHDFHKVVKKNFGKNLSDNFLSDMFLSJFLJSDLFJLJSNV,V N,VN,NXV’ is an intriguing, if hard to follow, song from the group from Trakkion Five.
The Monkees News: Ever since the band’s resurrected television series made it to air on the CNN (Clandusprod National News) channel in 2018, they keep going from strength to strength. You’d think The Monkees would be getting a bit stale after this, their 87th season, but no – those episodes about a stolen secret formula finding its way into Mike Nesmith’s hat and the long awaited follow up to HEAD (‘Shoulders, knees and toes’) are as well received as ever.
Moody Blues News: The band’s latest double album magnum opus (‘A Hundred And Seventh Sojourn’) is dedicated to the ecological difficulties of at least half of the known planets in the galaxy (especially the moving follow-up to ‘Question’ in ‘Answers’) and also includes a moving protest song against the atrocities of the Bush Dynasty (William G Bush, Georgina H Bush and stretching right back to old George W) in ‘Burning Bush’.
Oasis News: Noel and Liam Gallagher have split up once more (that’s the fifth time in the past 150 years) with each of them claiming that ‘no galaxy is big enough to hold my brother’s big head’. All this puts the long awaited third album in the ‘shoulder’ trilogy (after ‘Standing on the shoulders of giants’ and ‘Standing on the shoulders of clanudsprods’ ) album ‘standing on the shoulders of makkroids’ in doubt. What a shame it wasn’t their last album, the dismal ‘What’s The Story? (Morning Glory In Balamory)’, which got booted out.
Pentangle News: The band’s long awaited TV theme for the new revival of ‘Take Three Girls’ is out on maxi-mexi disc this week entitled ‘Light Years Flight’. The band also began touring again recently to celebrate the release of tie-in album ‘Basket Of Light Years’.
Pink Flamingo News: The rock chicks from Skelmersdale (led by Mike’s sister Ellie) have their new album out, featuring Mike himself taking the vocals on the songs inspired by the re-release of ‘The Beatles: Vintage Rock Band’ (how nice to see the franchise out again after the failure of the ‘Ringo Starr: Solo Years’ set last decade). The band’s take on ‘Back In The USSR’ (recorded in the USSR), Penny Lane (recorded in, err, Penny Lane) and I Am The Walrus (recorded in the Intergalactic Chester Zoo) have all been included on the band’s new DVDV: I Love Flamingoes Named Lucy
Pink Floyd News: The band’s new crossover album (Billie Piper At The Gates Of Dawn) wasn’t very well received on its release in 2105, so imagine our shock when we heard it had charted highly on the planet Zeta! It’ll never rate with the classic version of Dark Side Of The Moon recorded live on the lunar surface 76 years ago this month! The band’s latest re-recording ‘Careful With That Axe You Clandusprod’ is also due for release soon – providing, of course, all the surviving members of the band agree to its release (and if things are like they were during the past century, that could take a while!)
Rolling Stones News: Well, who’d have guessed it? Yes, that’s right, this summer will mark yet another Rolling Stones farewell tour as the band tour to promote their latest album ‘Still Exiled (On Hellopshere’s Main Street)’, a live recording featuring an android double of Brian Jones playing lots of instruments native to that planet and not known on Earth. The band’s new arrangement of ‘2000 Light Years From Home’, recorded 2000 Light Years From Home, sounds particularly good on the demo recordings we’ve heard.
The Searchers News: The band have become a surprising hit on the newly discovered planet Makkroid where there are now four touring versions of the group (Mike Pender’s Searchers, John McNally’s Searchers, Frank Allen’s Searchers and Tony Jackson’s Android Double’s Searchers )all competing on the ‘allive and live’ market on that planet. Their recording of ‘Needles and Pins’ has been a definite hit on that planet (and quite relevant for the main species who are indeed made out of needles and pins). The band’s earlier single ‘Sugar and Spice’, meanwhile, is expected to be a big hit on the planet Ridfrist on its re-release next year – where the population are, of course, made out of sugar and spice.
Simon and Garfunkel News: The duo are back together again at last, after nearly half a century of will-they-or-won’t-they? speculation. The pair are due to finish their new album ‘Really Old Friends’ early next year – a brand new concept album it is too apparently, similar to the 1968 classic ‘Bookends’ in the way it studies mankind’s growth from innocence to old age and the impact Zigorous Three anti-aging technology has had on the human values system. In other news Paul Simon’s early recordings as Tico and the Triumphs have become a surprise hit on the planet Maggwumph, especially ‘The Lone Teen Ranger’. What a shame they’re still not available here!
The Squirrel Pixies News: This band hasn’t made an appearance on our list for quite some time, but their pair of albums of early 21st century political intrigue (‘Gordon Bennett’ and ‘Gordon Brown’) made quite an impact on us at the time (see review no 39714 and 42103). Their third and rather lesser album in the trilogy, ‘Boris Johnson’, has just been re-released – dismissed by us at the time for being a bit silly, out of touch, pompous and full of mistakes, it nevertheless described exactly the events and personalities of the time.
Cat Stevens News: Yusuf Islam’s latest album ‘Back To Earth II’ really was recorded on Earth for the first time in nearly 80 years. The artist formerly known as Cat came back to his home planet for a short nostalgia tour and he played several old classics amongst his newer material from his latest album. His series of updated songs were well received too – singing ‘Where Do The Children Play?’ on a polluted Earth rubbish dump, ‘Wild World’ dedicated to the planet Maggrumph and that old friend ‘Zigorous’ Three Moons’ Shadow’.
10cc News: Now that Godley and Creme are most famous for their gizmo robot building businesses, it seems strange to hear the news that the original line-up are back together again and promise a new MP90 in the Autumn. All becomes clear when you learn that the band still owe yet another album to their original label Mercury (whose albums really are made out of mercury these days) after the fiasco in the 1990s that led to the band making two extra albums, although 120 years on it seems a bit cruel to be waving that contract under their noses. Recordings for the new album ‘Where Did I Put My Teeth?’ are going well apparently and the new single ‘Ships really do disappear in the night’ is sounding really good if our preview copy is anything to go by.
The Who News: The band’s last single ‘Still Won’t Get Fooled’ backed by ‘My Generation Are Now In Their Third Century’ is out in a ‘Dr Who’ tie-in sleeve (both songs were featured on the soundtrack of the latest episode Who Are You?’) No doubt Pete Townshend will be telling you more in his column next month.
The Yo-Yo Marys News: This retro group from the planet Belobrat have really shaped up nicely in the past 80 years or so. Their array of musical instruments are now available to view on the Museum planet Oxxor Regis (open every day except bank Holidays and Quarl days). Earth artefacts prepared for the mega zillion mile museum include replicas of the old Buckingham Palace (before it was blown up by the Maggrumphs) and a rare picture of how The Queen looked in her human form and in her real incarnation as a Doosbury Giant (all those years we thought she was German and she was really an alien!)
Neil Young News: The Archive Box Set Volume II: 1972-82 is out at last, featuring oodles of outtakes, rarities and alternate mixes from the albums’Time Fades Away’ to ‘Trans’. The new album – Neil’s 722nd - has a working title of ‘Really Old Ways’ and will feature ‘Another War Song’, the third in the ‘Ohio/Oddlespingt’ songs finding outrage at unlawful acts by renegade American Presidents (Nixon and William G Bush respectively). Neil also pays tribute on this song to Obama (‘there’s a man says he can put an end to war...again’), updating the original ‘War Song’ about McCarthy, recorded with Graham Nash in 1973.
The Zigorous Three Vs Earth All-Stars News: This charity group – featuring so many AAA members among its cast it would be impossible to list them all – is at it again, recording a series of anti-pollution protest songs, dedicating to saving the local planet Sproxxid now that it is clear Earth and Zigorous Three are too far gone for any long-term improvements. The new album ‘We are all one universe and we’re still only eight light years apart’ features a re-recording of Michael Jackson’s ‘Earth Song’, re-recorded in a rather less pretentious manner than the original. At least 40 zaluptiots from each release will go to the charity.
A SPECIAL REPORT ON THE TIME-PORTAL JUMP BY DR ZEUS
Now that time-travel has become as every day as walking, eating, hang-gliding and tickling pet argibraffes, it seems hard to recall a day when visitors from our future and past didn’t walk among us.
To all those of you who’ve thanked me, whether from my past, present and future, I just want to say: it’s all been worthwhile and its my pleasure taking people from our planet and others back and forward in time to see what we used to live like and what our future may be. I don’t like the look of everything I see of course (what a bad day that was, spent on the set of the Spice Girls’ SpiceWorld movie – ha ha ha whoever sent that request in!), but there’s enough beauty, love and harmony out there in the universe to give me hope for the future of our species.
I’d like to take this moment to thank all AAA subscribers for making this feat possible, as our first few sponsored flurries to the Monterey and Woodstock festivals really set the tone for our later adventures (such as visiting the past of our nearby planets Zigorous 3 and Hellopshere, and laughing at their claims that their planet used to be beautiful. Yeah right, it still looked like a quarry even back then!) Since then we’ve just gone from strength to strength, revisiting all the important musical points of our history and enjoying again some glorious music that we thought had been lost forever, whether it was the legendary Buffalo Springfield concerts of the mid-60s or the Pellarosian Armistice Dance late last year. Thankyou once again.
As the AAA is now officially recognised as the 297th most influential website in the universe (figures: Megaalien Marketing LTD), we are pleased to announce exclusive access to all readers starting in July. We have 300 seats available for our next trip to Bloddick Minor (home of the exciting new discovery, the earth-like band Fropder Maskrs) in the 23rd Quarg of Celestial Light (or the 19th century our time), with seven trips a week for the next month or so; if you want to enter simply drop us a u-mail (universal mail) at the usual address (alansalbumarchives@earth.com) to enter.
We also have a set of time-travelling goody bags to give away (which, as you may remember from last issue, contain a series of music time capsules sent to us unopened by our past selves in 2054 along with some antiquated 2050s equipment to play it). Simply send us the punchline to the following well known joke: ‘Knock knock’ ‘Who’s There’ ‘Mekkan’ ‘Mekkan Who? and send your answer to us at the above address before May 1st at the latest. That means YOU could be the first person in your species to remember first hand how these rare records sounded (they even come in the archaic CD format)! Remember, time travel is cooler than a clandusprod at Christmas and YOUR support and contributions make time travel possible. Thanks again!
Dr Zeus (no relation)
In the latest in our series of ‘magical history lessons’, the AAA resident android THX-987 inputs the 2010s into his databanks...
It all seems so long ago doesn’t it? A hundred years ago Michael Jackson was still dead (I can’t wait for the century official secrets act to end so we can read about his resurrection and claims to be the son of God – honestly, all that fuss over a publicity stunt so Michael could re-enact the ghost scene from his ‘Thriller’ video), David Cameron was nearly in office (before the news broke that he was an evil alien from the planet Maggrumph who wanted to enslave us all and turn us into robots) and Atlantis still hadn’t re-appeared from under the sea. How times change.
Thankfully, so has the music – now that Zigorous 3 technology has prevented us all from dying we can all appreciate each decade much more. If you can cast your mind back to the beginning of that decade, you may remember being disappointed, even disgusted with the music scene (it was still filled with wannabe celebrities, boy bands and girl bands breaking up every five minutes and possibly the worst British Eurovision (as the Intergalacticvision Song Contest used to be called) entry of all).
Thankfully that all changed around 2018 when the first aliens from Zigorous Three arrived and kick-started a whole new wave in nostalgia for our past music greats and intrigue in what music existed on other worlds. But even before then, the music scene was looking healthier than it had for decades, thanks to the ‘Spice Girls Act’, formed in 2015 after yet another abortive comeback by scary, scary, scary, scary and posh, when the music hall of fame sought prosecution for releasing songs with banal lyrics and nonsense choruses.
This decade also led to a revival of several of our AAA bands (new and career-defining albums by The Rolling Stones, The Who, The Monkees, The Moody Blues, The Kinks and Cat Stevens) and yes, things really did seem to be taking off here at the AAA (something helped by our sponsoring the long awaited third season of The Monkees TV season with the memorable slogan ‘AAA with The Monkees, some people say we Monkee around, but we’re too busy being postmodern and creating lots of groovy retro sounds’).
The AAA also managed to become prime sponsors to the revived Dr Who series under Steven Moffat after The BBC/C broke up and became open for advertisements (it used to stand for British Broadcasting Corporation apparently – nowadays you’ll know the revived version Belorat Businesses and Clandusprods Corporation).
All Species Love
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Last week Nelson had just left The Monkees on the set of their movie ‘Head’ – this week, as our roving reporter celebrates the start of his 73rd year ‘out of time’ , he travels back even further into our past to see The Beatles play at The Cavern Club in 1961 (with a very special guest as you’ll soon see...)
‘Yes, Mike, I think this film will kill your career. No in a good way. Just think how much of a claim to fame this film will be if you release it like this and you can always go back to doing some solo country solo stuff afterwards can’t you? Have you ever been to Rio by the way? I think you should go but then again...’
AAAAAGHHHH! There I was having a really interesting talk about brown rice and post-modernism with Mike Nesmith and Peter Tork of The Monkees and then there I was feeling that familiar feeling once again as – with my whole body tingling – I prepared to go ‘out of time’. My eyes spun, my head revolved at 33 1/3rd revs per minute and my body imploded into a cacophony of sore limbs (it was just like having chronic fatigue!) Where was my monkeynuts editor sending me now I wondered? I just hoped it was somewhere quiet (that Jack Nicolson had really worn my ears out on the set of ‘Head’!)
IN 2037 WE SENT OUR ROVING REPORTER/GUINEA PIG...
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...WITH THANKS TO OUR COLLEAGUES AT BoFACE TM TIME TRAVEL
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But no, I found myself in a dirty back street in the middle of nowhere, although I could hear the hustle and bustle of millions of people in the distance. ’Yer going in there are yer chuck?’ said one of them ‘There’s a reet gear group on in there in a minute. Funny fellers, the signs all say they’re direct from Hamburg but they all speak very good English. They’re called cockroaches or summat like that. Funny though, didn’t think you were the sort – that long hair, collarless suit and pointy shoes just looks daft. You wouldn’t catch anyone from here looking like that!’ I looked down at myself and again cursed the BoFace wardrobe research programmer who had indeed attired me with completely the wrong clobber – I looked like one of the Beatles circa 63 not 61!
Warily I stepped inside, waiting for that usual feeling of historical importance to fall over me in waves of beauty and inner realisation, like a Jerry Garcia guitar solo. I looked around. It was just a cold damp dark cellar with loads of people inside. This was history? This rat infested squalor was the cradle for the next 150 years of popular music? Great, thanks for that editor – there I was hoping for an appearance as one of the dancers in a 1960s Top Of The Pops, a scenic stroll down Carnaby Street in 1966, Penny Lane in 1967, the Abbey Road crossing in 1969, the day the Buffalo Springfield met in a 1964 traffic jam, CSNY’s audience-breaking run at Wembley in 1974...
Ah, but now I see what’s going on. A middle aged man, incongruous in this largely teenager-filled crowd, saunters up to the microphone and welcomes us all to ‘the best of cellars’. I find out from his speech that he is Bob Wooler. Before he even gets to the end of his introduction in saunter four scruffy leather-clad youths and suddenly the whole cellar’s gone quiet (I never thought it could given all the noise going on!) Even the people here who plainly have never heard of this band (they’re called ‘The Beatles’ by the way, I looked them up) have stopped nattering. I just have time to make myself heard to the cloakroom attendant (a sweet but very broad Liverpudian she is, tells me she wants to be a singer too some day; ha, as if that’s likely with a name like Priscilla White!) and take a seat.
‘This one’s by me and our John’ says the doe-eyed youth on the left with the bass guitar. ‘Enough of your rubbish, get on with the rock and roll covers!’ yells a wag in the crowd ’I’ll cover you with rocks n awl’ drawls the squinty eyed guitarist in the middle. The guitarist on the right just grins in a unique mixture of timidity and mischief-making. I sense the interaction between band and crowd is always like this, rowdy, good humoured charismatic banter.
‘They’re a world away from Cliff and the Shadows aren’t they?’ whispers the person standing behind me in awe. And then the music starts. Now I know my Lennon and McCartney. But nothing ever reverberated round the room on my hi-fi in the same way that ‘I Saw Her Standing There’ launched itself around the room, bouncing off all the bodies tightly packed inside and the thick, damp, sweat-drenched walls. The whole hour passes in this way as one finely crafted American R and B cover after another fleshes out the set (the band, wary of the crowd despite their good natured humour, don’t dare try another original that lunchtime). And then, as suddenly as it was begun, the four musicians pull back to the rear of the stage and start eating their sarnies. The whole room seems to breath out collectively, aware of the musical nirvana that has just taken place. I move over to speak with the recalcitrant band though my head is still pounding.
I snatch a quick word with the drummer Pete Best (the only one not preening himself or cackling drunkenly after 38 brandys – that last was probably Lennon although I never stopped to ask).I praise him for his drumming, his wild primal animal instinct that serves the band so well while they’re stuck in these poor acoustic dives and my heart sinks as I realise how soon Ringo is going to replace this sweet man.
In between shrugs of the shoulders Pete confides in me that much as he loves the band and all that they’ve achieved already, they haven’t got a hope of breaking out of this filthy cellar and for all they know might end up stuck here for years or until rock and roll dries up completely. I And, then, suddenly, I know what I have to do. One of the most important things I have ever done in all my travels back in time to patch up the loose fabric of time, space and music. I have to buy myself a record.
‘Excuse me, are you Mr Epstein?’ I ask in a timid voice. And there he is, nodding to me, this gentle gent of a giant whose just been proudly tidying up his display of sheet music before he turned towards me. ‘I’ve got a request’ I add, dully aware of the weight of the future of music resting on my shoulders. ‘can you get me a record by The Beatles?’
Mr Epstein stares at me blankly and I know that this will be the last second of his short life that will not be spent thinking about the bunch of musical geniuses with whom his destiny is forever intertwined.
‘The who?’
‘No they’re due about 1965’ I stammer awkwardly, ‘Err, I mean I think there’s a German release out where they’re backing Tony Sheridan’.
‘Ah!’ he exclaims and I can feel myself breathe again. ‘The only recent record of his I know is ‘My Bonnie’ where he is backed by The Beat Brothers’. ‘That’s the one!’ I say, relieved. How stupid of me to forget that the band had had their name changed for them because – and I quote – fans would be put off by their strange insect-derived name.
‘I’ll have to order it’ Mr Epstein continues, frowning slightly and fiddling with his tie. ‘I can’t say I’ve ever heard of them. Are they a German group?’
‘No’ I reply, ‘they’re playing round the corner in fact. You should go see them. I’ve drawn up a list of directions on how to get to the Cavern Club or you’ll never find it!’ I blush at my insistence and the details of notes I’ve made for him but I can’t forget the importance of this meeting.
‘You mean there’s a club where live music is played? Just round the corner from my shop? But I know everyone round here with an interest in music! Only today I had a bunch of drunken reprobates in here dressed in leathers – one of them actually shocked me by buying something for his Aunt Mimi. I didn’t think he was the type.’
I nod slowly, so as not to give myself away.
‘When can I collect my record?’ I ask excitedly, aware how much this prized possession will be worth once The Beatles heyday gets underway properly.
‘Oh a few days I should think. The transport is very quick being here in Liverpool by the docks.’
Curses, I think. That’s another souvenir that won’t be coming my way any time soon. Just like that early white album pressing (no 0000001) and that Butcher’s Sleeve I carefully peeled off a copy of ‘Yesterday And Today’ only to find that all I got for my troubles was the cover of a ‘Mantovani and Strings’ compilation.
‘Err, what name was it?’ Brian Epstein asks.
‘Nelson Jones’ I reply.
‘Raymond Jones’ says Brian, writing my name down. Darn it. I knew I should have spoken into his good ear.
ALAN’S ALBUM ARCHIVES – the radio station offering all the best AAA music plus archive programmes...and no Spice Girls!
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The Metrafoundles:
“dakbckbKSDHFSHDFHKVVKKNFGKNLSDNFLSDMFLSJFLJSDLFJLJSNV,V N,VN,NXV”
(out now on Hvfjvkjkh Records)
There’s an old saying on the planet Trakkion Five: Never push a narklops into a nerrflute. No, I don’t know what it means either – after all, of all the known planets we’ve come in contact with, the Trakkion Five is the only one where our babel fish interpreters have failed. But this album, more than any other released by species from other worlds, is proof that you don’t need to understand the lyrics to enjoy the music – these awesome other-worldly, almost psychedelic sounds are just so incredible. The instruments the awowauk, the ghatterspeer and the retrochasm are truly alien sounds (no wonder they like the Earth Mellotron so much on this planet!) and yet if you listen closely you can hear several familiar sounds amongst the nest of noise; various Pink Floyd and Moody Blues melody lines and one track ‘spluttergawp’ is a dead ringer for Brian Jones’ superb Mellotron solo in The Stones’ best ever single ‘We Love You’. So who cares about the translation? With music like this it could be about anything and we’d still love it. Highly recommended.
Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young:
“Deja Vu Deja Vu”
(Out next week on Extra-Terrestrial Music Industries (EMI))
Classic harmonies, strong musicianship skills, glorious production techniques and spot-on songs about the modern age. We’ve been here before, many many times before on the handful of true quartet CSNY records dotted about the past 150 years and this return to the songs of “Deja Vu” in 1970 is one of the very best.
All of the band members have brought not only their usual distinct personalities to bear on this album but the experience of being on the four separate planets where they live now and the sounds of the planets Mertle, Grafstedt, Hellopshere and Makkroid respectively mingle nicely with the usual ‘Earth’ sounds.
Each member has also written a song that’s a loose update of their thoughts and fears for the year 1970: Crosby gives us ‘Almost Cut My Hair (Because I Looked Like A Maggrumphian), Stills updates his song of lonely old age ‘4+50’, Nash does ‘Teach Tour Children To Takkion Level Four’ and Young is still ‘Helpless’, although the ‘yellow moons on the rise’ now come from the four satellites of Makkroid rather than Earth.
The band are also spot-on with their lyrics celebrating earth in the 22nd century. They might not have caused as much controversy as the ‘Freedom Of Speech Tour’ in 2006, the anti Bush dynasty concerts of the 2040s or the anti-Megaalien Corporation concept albums of
the 2070s (when the corporation bought and sold off most Earth companies, mainly with stolen money), but their new songs are as relevant and angry as ever. ‘Fast-forward’ is a moving song dealing with the loss of species over the years and how humans might be next to go on the list, ‘Dodechahedron’ is a chilling rocker with its portrayal of ‘night lights blocking out the glare of the suns till the morning comes’ and ‘Carry On (If You Can)’ is dedicated to the resistance movement on the planet Tertious.
Closer ‘Judy Still Has Suite Blue Eyes’ unites the album in true CSNY style, the closest the album has to a love song with its tale of a person’s beauty remaining undiminished while the world changes all around them. Thank goodness some things never change – let’s just hope the follow-up to this classic album doesn’t have the usual 30 year gap in front of it. A veritable AAA classic.
The Old Spice Girls
“Back From The Dead”
(Out now on ZombieMusic)
When Professor Gadalus first announced the success of his trials communicating with the dead the music industry was overjoyed. When the first recordings took place we were thrilled – who can forget the delight of hearing the first tracks by John Lennon in nearly 100 years, or the first time we heard Keith Moon driving a virtual Cadillac into a virtual swimming pool since 1978?
Many of the albums that came out this way were, predictably, given short shrift – I well remember MP90 Collector reviewing Dennis Wilson’s first post-death album and saying he was ‘a bit past his best’ (!)
But the worst is here in front of me now and I quake with fear at the thought that I actually have to listen to the thing. ‘Spice Girls – Back From The Dead’ finds the gruesome fivesome in true zombie mode, yelling ‘I’m dead, so spice up your life!’ and kung fu kicking the ghosts of tramps just like the bad old days.
Their guest appearance in Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ video and his link-up with The Tweenies (Hey! Hey! Are you ready to play? Come along and play with Michael Jackson!) reminded us just what an untalented bunch the Spice Girls were, but if anything they’ve got even worse during the past 70 years in their graves.
Now re-named Really Scary, Sporty and Scary, Ginger And Scary, Not So Baby Scary and Posh, this quintet have obviously not learnt why their career went so spectacularly wrong: the unwanted sequel ‘I wanna huh I wanna huh I wanna huh’ sounds like one of those badly mistranslated songs from the planet Trakkion Five, until the realisation hits you its actually being sung in English. ‘If you wanna be my zombie you gotta kill all my friends, because this franchise never ends!’ is hardly the sort of chorus line that will get the band a new following either.
And words fail me – there’s even an advert for the forthcoming ‘Still Dead: SpiceDeadWorld – The Movie’ on the back of the sleeve. Can’t we leave any project in peace these days, even when the artists are all dead and the original was a pile of old Clandusprod droppings? I despair...
The 147th Anniversary!
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Series 127
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Greetings! I am the Doctor! Well, no, actually, technically I’m not, I’m just a member of the AAA team dressed up as each of the incarnations of the lead character from Dr Who for an AAA publicity stunt (blimey that scarf’s itchy, and those antlers are giving me a headache!)
I’m here, on the set of the Dr’s latest exciting adventure (‘Living The Dream In A Psychedelic Record Machine’, due to be screened this November) which is set – wait for it – in the rock and roll hall of fame where some ghostly goings on try to thwart the Dr (Dexter Fletcher) and his Gallifreyan companion Gepetto (Sophie Aldred, back in the role after public demand) from getting back to his TARDIS. The new story is being made with the full co-operation of GAS (the union of Ghosts And Spirits) and is set to feature several familiar names from the AAA archives (including Jerry Garcia, Janis Joplin, George Harrison and a scene-stealing scene from Dennis Wilson pretending to be a Thal, although sadly John Lennon’s agent pulled out of talks at the last minute).
I’m currently on The Tardis set, you know the modern one that looks like a block of ice with roundels in the background and was famously discovered by a rogue Ice Warrior who broke his way into the ship. And I can’t believe my eyes: the Dr Who team have really gone overboard in their attempt to recreate the hall of fame – there’s the Moody Blues’ original Mellotron, Ringo’s Ludwig drum kit, the prism from the ‘Dark Side Of The Moon’ cover and, erm, a poster for SpiceWorld the Movie (thankfully it gets blown up in episode 2). I just wish I could show you the pictures but, there you go, they just won’t post in this strange antiquated format: that’s the old 2D format for you again (these issues are so much better in 5D!)
The AAA has, of course, been a long time sponsor of the show, ever since the 59th season (starring Anthony Hopkins and Scarlett Johansson) was on air and the powers that be have been pushing for a music-related episode for some time. Rumour is if this ghostly episode is successful, there may be a follow-up set at ‘Woodstock’ the following year. The AAA even got a name-check in last week’s show when the doctor’s granddaughter Susan (in her 3rd regeneration) name-checked the BoFace time travel experiments and the Dr claimed to be there on the opening day, dressed in his goggles, antlers and bobble hat. (weirdly enough, I do remember somebody there on opening day who looked a bit like the above description...)
As a special cross-over promotion giveaway with Dr Who and their creators, we have a set of computer games to give away (Dr Who on the Wii and the spoof Dr Wii on the Whho) as well as special DVDVs of the following stories to give away: The Space Museum, The Norman Rising, Submarine Cybermen, Archful Atmosphere, The Long Walk and Stoftan’s Tomb. Simply answer the million dollar question: ‘How the heck did the production team get round the fact that a timelord only has 13 lives?’ and u-mail us at the usual address (alansalbumarchives@earth.com).
SAVE 12 ZALUPTIOTS PER AAA ISSUE WHEN YOU SUBSCRIBE!!!!
this week – the top five reasons we eartHlings have grown a third ear and antennaes over the past century ...
Evolution is a funny old business - you never quite know what you're going to get. But just like the way we Earthlings grew those extra arms 50 years after that accidental radiation leak at Sellafield, the extra ears have become really useful...
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•1) We can h
•2) The discovery of tririo meant all our favourite albums got re-issued again, this time across the entire known galaxy, turning lots of different life forms onto our music along the way...
ear in tririo - its not quite quadrophonic but those extra ears at the back of our heads really does mean we can hear a lot more detail in recordings than we used to...
•2) The discovery of tririo meant all our favourite albums got re-issued again, this time across the entire known galaxy, turning lots of different life forms onto our music along the way...
•3) Just as well seeing as Earth, led by William G Bush, was giving us such a bad reputation as a warlike barbaric planet. Weird to see, under the 100 year secrets act, how close the Zigorous Threesians came to blowing us up until they heard Brian Wilson's 'Smile' album and decided we must be civilised after all...
•4) Those same ears also allowed us to come first in the first Eurogalactic Joke Contest (Q: How many ears does an earthling space explorer have? A: His left ear, his right ear and his final frontier/front ear!)
•5) Those extra antennae on top of the head are really good for picking up BBC6 (Ha! To think the BBC nearly axed it!)
And that’s it from us for yet another issue. Thanks for reading, whether you’re an AAA customer from the past, present or – who knows? – the future! Tune in next week when Brian Wilson will be back from his holiday and ready to tell us about his stay on Zigorous Three, when the main review will be The Byrds’ 2040 reunion album ‘Still Wanted, Still Notorious’, when Nelson’s Column will be coming to us straight from one of Neil Young’s ‘Tonight’s The Night’ concerts in 1975 and the top five will be analysing AAA songs all about the planet Zarrk. Oh and look out for some great listening freebies courtesy of our friends at DECCA (Dealing with Extra-Terrestrial Clandusprods, Clingons and other Artists) – Paul McCartney’s demos for his new album ‘New London Town (Rising Out Of The Sea) and some new songs from the planet Belabrot. Goodnight from all of us here at the AAA!
A complete collection of April Fool’s Day
Columns (Plus Other Bits and Pieces):
#1 (published 2009, set in 2034): http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2009_03_29_archive.html
#1 (published 2009, set in 2034): http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2009_03_29_archive.html
#2 (published 2010, set in 2110): http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_03_28_archive.html
#3 (published 2011, set in 2026): http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2011_03_27_archive.html
#4 ('Swedish Elizabethan' edition, published 2012, set
in a timeless universe): http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2012_04_01_archive.html
#5 ('Max's Space Museum' edition, published 2013, set
in 7114): http://www.alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/news-views-and-music-issue-7114-maxs.html
#6 (Max's Scrapbook' edition, published 2014 set in
2099):
http://www.alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/max-dogs-picture-book-news-views-and.html
and http://www.alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/max-dogs-picture-book-part-two-news.html
#7 ('Multiverse with famous authors writing for the
AAA' edition, published and set in 2015)
http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2015_03_29_archive.html
#8 ('The Story and Discography of Pixie Drainpipe',
published 2016, set in 5838)
http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.com/2016/04/april-fools-day-2016-pixie-drainpipe.html
#9 (‘All Hail President Bingo!’, published 2017, set in 2020) https://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2017/04/april-fools-day-2017-all-hail-president.html
#9 (‘All Hail President Bingo!’, published 2017, set in 2020) https://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2017/04/april-fools-day-2017-all-hail-president.html
#10 (‘Spice Up Your Life!!!’, published and set in 2018) https://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.com/2018/04/april-fools-day-2018-spice-up-your-life.html
#11 (‘Brexit Maxit and Farewell’, published 2019, set
in 2029)
https://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.com/2019/04/april-fools-day-brexit-maxit-special.html
Special Editions:
Compilation Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_04_25_archive.html
Solo Album Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_08_08_archive.html
Live Album Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_09_19_archive.html
Book Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2012_07_01_archive.html
Compilation Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_04_25_archive.html
Solo Album Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_08_08_archive.html
Live Album Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_09_19_archive.html
Book Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2012_07_01_archive.html
DVD Special: http://www.alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/news-views-and-music-issue-176-aaa-dvds.html
Every Single AAA Studio and Solo Release in
Chronological Order: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2015/01/revised-article-every-single-aaa-album.html
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