News, Views and Music Issue -97554 (Swedish Elizabethan Issue)

Now available to buy in e-book format as part of 'A Scrapbook Of Madness - The Alan's Album Archives Guide To...Alan's Album Archives' By Clicking Here

(Sadly due to technical difficulties beyond our control we can only show you our pictures at the start of the text, so we'vce included captions with each one and told you when to refer to them. This is a pain we know - you can if you wish view the article at our other site www.alansalbumarchives.moonfruit.com where this looks more 'normal'!)(see captions 1, 2 and 3 for the cover, royal crest and price of admission!)

“Less Than Proud sponsors of BoFace TM Time Travel Experiments”

NEWS, VIEWS AND MUSIC ****************        *****

ISSUE -9745*******

APRIL 1 1548*****************

SWEDEN ELIZABETHAN ISSUE******WITH BONUS 78rpm disc “Smiling Across The Ages” by Brian Wilson ****************PLUS  PETE TOWNSHEND DUETS WITH J S BACH!*** ***********

Elizabethan Sweden Edition **Issue -9754(?) |PRICE: 2 GROATS

YOU CHOSE TO BUY...THE ELIZABETHAN ISSUE

******************

other editions available include stone age (4 boulders)

egyptian (30 pieces of grain)

roman (14 denarius)

viking (3 silver coils)

middle ages (2 ‘noble’ COINs)

tudor (11 shillings)

AND MORE, IN THIS VERY FIRST ISSUE CELEBRATING THE MUSIC OF THE ‘NEW EMPIRE’ WHEN ALL TIME-ZONES HAVE APPEARED ON THIS PLANET AT ONCE

FEATURING A SPECIAL REPORT BY DR ZEUS ON WHAT WENT WRONG WITH THE BoFACE ^TM TIME TRAVEL EXPERIMENTS – AND WHAT HE PROPOSES TO DO TO PUT THINGS RIGHT

PLUS SPECIAL REPORTS FROM ALL CORNERS OF THE KNOWN GLOBE ABOUT HOW MANKIND IS ADAPTING TO LIVING UNDER THE NEW TIMELESS SYSTEM (AND WHAT THE CHANGES HAVE MEANT TO THE WORLD’S MUSIC)

Verily, dear reader, it is my humble occupation in this life, praise be to God, to introduce you to the latest new-look issue of Alan’f Album Archivef. As you may have noticed, it looketh slightly different to ye olde ones, thanks to the BoFace Time Team’s difaftrous attempts to create their own Time Tunnel which caused all of time to collapse in on itself (sorry for ye inconvenience). We Elizabethan Swedeners are still getting used to ye shocke! I am writing this script to you from what would have been the year of our Lord 1485, only now of course time has come to a ftandftill and every periode of creature exists at once. In fact, in its own way, having all of time living beside each other is a greate improvement on ye olde system, especially since all periods of time get to enjoy each other’s musical styles and visit each other’s concertf. Myself and Max Ye Singinge Dog are particularly enjoying ye Elizabethan period, full of ye madrigals and harpsichords and no sign of ye Coalition or ye olde Fpice Girlf.

Erm, we’ve just had a word with the Mayans and apparently the 2012 prophecy of doom and destruction on December 21^st (when the Mayan time-clock came to an abrupt end) was caused by us! Erm, sorry about that. We’ve spoken to our colleagues at BoFace Time Travel and apparently this whole mess has been caused by a faulty switch that Bingo ye Boozy Dog accidentally pulled out when visiting whilst drunk. We’re currently getting Professor Brian Cox out of retirement in the Stone Age to work on the problem and really am very sorry for the inconvenience caused. For the moment we are now working in AAAD time (Alan’s Album Archives Dating!) We hope to return you to your regularly scheduled lifetimes very soon! In the meantime we’ve continued travelling the globe to bring you the latest Alan’s Album Archives news stories and hope you enjoy mingling with other time zones. We’ll keep you posted in this newsletter of our plans to put things right, just remember to think of ‘Alan’s Album Archives’ when the time comes to save our planet from destruction and we can go home!

Austounders News: Our very own AAA band are currently on a cruise, bringing their assorted style of dungarees-based sounds to the masses of the world via their boat, the SS Fort Boyard. Their latest re-recording ‘Give Me My Sabre-Tooth Tiger Bone’ is currently rattling up the stone-age charts.

Beach Boys News: Unfortunately a side-effect of our recent, erm, accident at BoFace Time Travel means that The Earth’s tectonic plates have moved slightly. As a result, the only oceans suitable for surfing are now in India and the Antarctic. The Beach Boys have now re-recorded ‘California Girls’ to ‘Antarctic Girls’ with suitable penguin backing.

Meanwhile, Brian Wilson has been busy re-recording his classic album ‘Smile’ by travelling the globe to re-record the songs for that album with the different periods of life from around the globe. You can hear extracts from his new album ‘Smiling Across The Ages’ (‘Cabinessence’ played in the Medieval era, a rowdy ‘Good Vibrations’ from the 25^th century and a Stone Age version of ‘Vega-tables’) on the 78rpm record given away free with this newsletter!

Beatles News: The revelation that there was a real Sgt Pepper in the 1700s took the world (or the bits of it that had been around since the 1960s at least) by storm. Said the poor Mr Pepper, who originally lived in the roaring 1820s, ‘I know nothing about music and I certainly wouldn’t have joined a lonely heart’s club – like all respectable men from my era I’ve got 18 children. And they’re all named ‘Sergeant’ after me. Including the girls’. Alas the planned cover shoot, with Sgt Pepper walking down the Abbey Road crossing with the fab four (and robot doubles) has been shelved, although the ‘Magical Mystery Tour’ charabanc from the Victorian era is said to be a big hit in Victorian region Outer Mongolia!

Belle and Sebastian News: The band’s new album ‘lost in time’ features the band dressing up in lots of period costume and hidden among a group of real Vikings, Normans, Victorians, etc. They have also joined forces with the writers of the original set of French books ‘Belle et Sebastiane’ for some literary references to B+S songs.

Clandusprod News: We haven’t had the pleasure of meeting them in our time zone yet, but apparently in the future these retro aliens from the planet Makkroid are going to be a big hit with Alan’s Album Archives readers. I can’t say I understood too much of their songs when I heard them but, well, we’ve got another 250 years to get into them apparently so if we ever get back to our own time remember folks, you heard it here first!

Crosby, Stills and Nash/Dire Straits News: There’s a new AAA-sponsored charity single out to help the wounded in the American Civil war battles, still currently raging in Algeria. CSN have the A-side with a medley of ‘Daylight Again’ and ‘Find The Cost Of Freedom’; while Dire Straits have the b-side with ‘Brothers In Arms’. 

Dulcimer, Harpsichord and Mellotron: How lovely! Alan’s Album Archives is all about transcending boundaries, whether they be age colour nationality or time zone, so its delightful to mention the good work done by our latest AAA band, featuring musicians from the 60s: that’s the 1560s, 1660s and 1960s! Funnily enough, Dulcimer Harpsichord and Mellotron also double as a group of solicitors at weekends.

Ewok Ninjas News: Apparently Alan’s Album Archives go on to sponsor a band from the planet Belobrat in the future. Allegedly I created them one night on the computer game ‘Spore’ and an accident by the BoFace scientists gave them life. Oops! Either way they have four long arms, big hairy teeth, three heads and seven mouths to sing with and are particularly interested in our political climate (‘Coalition Demolition’ is a big hit 2016 or so they say!)

The Goths News: Latest AAA signing is this wacky scary band from Transylvania in the 10^th Century. Their latest single ‘Transylvania 6-5-thousand’, backed by the theme tune to ‘The Addams Family’, has become a big hit across the globe!

Grateful Dead News: The Dead seem to have adjusted to our chaotic way of life better than most, with their mix of space-age music of the future and traditional tales of the past a big hit on most countries. As well as a second performance at the pyramids (rather more successful than the one in 1978) the Dead have been a big hit in Tudor times (ie in Belgium), singing their song ‘Jack Straw’ in a charity single with that song’s namesakes: a 14^th century rebel leader (part of Wat Tyler’s peasant revolt) and the 20^th century politician.

Henry VIII and His Amazing Lute Featuring Sting News: His Majesty Henry vee-eye-eye-eye as he’s been re-christened by the rap community, has always been a force to be reckoned with. His last album ‘I’m Henery The 8^th I Am’ was a surprise hit on the bestseller charts around the globe – probably because everyone who didn’t buy a copy risked being beheaded. His second album ‘Joseph’s Amazing Technicolour Dream Coat With Green Sleeves’ sees his maj re-recording 20^th century songs on the lute, accompanied by former Police star Sting (including a medley from Rolling Stones albums and AAA classics ‘Their Satanic Majesties Request’ and ‘Beggar’s Banquet’) and seems likely to be this year’s biggest Royal seller since the debut release by 14-piece boy band ‘The 14 King Louis’. We’ve been told we have to add him to list of AAA bands or we’re next for the chop apparently. Huh, I had to let him beat me at lawn tennis too!

The Hollies News: The band’s 1967 album ‘Evolution’ has become a big hit in most countries where ‘evolution’ has become something of a big debating matter (are 21st century Americans really more civilised than those nice cavemen are?) ‘Mammoth Bus Stop’ has been a big hit in Stone Age Britain and ‘Can’t Look Through Any Window Because Of The Window Tax’ is a big hit in 18^th century Spain.

Human League: Apparently we make the shock revelation in the future that the Human League aren’t human! As a result they don’t seem to be on planet Earth anymore, which is a shame because be-wigged composers Bach and Handel have forsaken their harpsichords for good and taken up synthesisers in an attempt to sound like the hit record ‘Dare’ (it took a lot of explaining to old JS what cocktail waitresses were, though Handel caught on surprisingly quickly!)

Jefferson Airplane News: Lewis Carroll recently named ‘White Rabbit’ as his favourite ‘Alice In Wonderland’ inspired song, narrowly beating The Beatles’ ‘ Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds’. In other news the band are preparing for a concert tour of the medieval era and have re-named themselves ‘Jefferson Sailing Vessel’ so as not to scare the natives.

Janis Joplin News: As part of a re-issue of Janis’ work, famous illustrators from all time zones have been invited to re-make the famous album cover for Janis and Big Brother’s album ‘Cheap Thrills’ (drawn originally by R Crumb and now with special covers by EH Shepherd, Walt Disney, The Beano artists and JMW Turner).

Kinks News: The band have reunited to re-record the classic nostalgic album ‘Village Green Preservation Society’ on the very first village green, created way back in the 8^th century. New re-recordings on the album include ‘The First of The Steam Powered Trains’ (a duet with Robert Stevenson), ‘Wicked Annabella’ (with the witches of Salem) and ‘Animal Farm’ (with author George Orwell).

Lindisfarne News: Despite currently riding high in the charts with ‘Lady Eleanor (Of Aquataine)’, Lindisfarne have gone in quite a new direction for their latest LP, working with the monks from the holy island of, err, Lindisfarne to re-record some of their greatest songs (‘Clear White Light’ sounds especially strong as a madrigal!)

Max Ye Singing Minstrel News: Our old friend has created a whole new lease of life for himself, travelling about the globe singing songs about the glories of the 21^st century (it doesn’t take him long!) ‘New New New New New York New York’ (so good they named it five times) is an especially big hit with the 27^th century where the new area of New York (rebuilt after the Coalition Wars of the 2030s)

The Monkees News: The band’s latest TV series is set to air next week, featuring Davy falling in love with Madame De Pompadour, Micky falling in with Al Capone’s anti-prohibition gang, Peter trying to get stolen plans back to Albert Einstein and Mike trying to get the Monkees band onto Spotify.

Oasis News: Whilst every other band has reunited and healed old rifts (and/or death) during their sudden re-incarnation all at once, Noel and Lima Gallagher still aren’t speaking apparently. Beady Eye’s new album ‘Different Era, still Speeding’ is set to go head to head with Noel’s new duets album ‘High Flying Byrds’. Liam dismissed his brother’s efforts by saying ‘he’s had too many meat pies’ while Noel simply called his brother’s efforts ‘nonsense’. 

Pentangle News: Of all the AAA bands who’ve suddenly found themselves whisked back/forward through time, Pentangle have fared better than most seeing as most of their songbook was from the 17^th century anyway. The band are enjoying the mix of periods too, as their new sitar and mellotron arrangement of ‘Greensleeves’ shows. They’re next album is to be a cover of the ‘Aztecs’ musical performed with the real Aztecs, now living in Ireland. (This show was premiered in Gnosall in 1992, but has never been presented with real sacrificial victims before!)

Pink Floyd News: Pink Floyd have repeated their infamous ‘Pompeii’ gig, but this time in the splendour of Italy’s finished buildings rather than the ruins./ Rumour has it Roger Waters is currently working on a war protest single with Queen Victoria, entitled ‘We Are Not Amused To Death’. 

Simon and Garfunkel News: The duo are back together performing such classics as ‘The Leaves That Are Green’ (‘I will be 21 years when I finally write this song!’), ‘Are you going to Scarborough Fair? (now moved to China)’ and ‘Home Time-Stream Bound’. Paul has also got together with the stone age drumming team ‘Yogga-Ogga-Ugg-Ugg’ for his new ‘Graceland/Rhythm Of The Saints’ tour, although apparently the rider requirements for the tour might be so high they prohibit many actual gigs (an average request: a menhir, a mammoth and a packet of M and Ms with the brown ones removed).

10cc News: Godley and Creme’s new single ‘An Aztec in New York’ is currently high in the charts, alongside 10cc’s last single ‘The Things We Do For Time Travel’. Apparently there’s a new version of ‘Dreadlock Holiday’ (with the action now moved from the Caribbean to Wigan) in the works too.

The Three Minstrels News: Lute, flute and King Cnute have been hailed as the best thing to come out of the ancient world since Mike’s Dad and are officially our latest classified AAA band. The only problem is you never quite know with this band which gig might be their last because King Cnute has an awful habit of only performing near the coast and shouting at the seas to turn back whilst clutching an electric microphone during the band’s encores...

The Who News: The ‘Orrible ‘OO are back at their live best with a long-=awaited sequel to their album ‘Live at Leeds’ (now ‘Live In Camelot’)and featuring their latest hit songs ‘We Will Get Fooled Again’ (up until the 27^th century), ‘5:11’ (‘out of my brain on a tram!’) and ‘My Generations (Have All Come Round For Lunch). Pete Townshend, long an admirer of J.S.Bach, has also just finished an album of duets. You can hear an excerpt of the maestros together on ‘The Well-Tempered Exploding Drum Kit and Smashing Guitars’ on this issue’s free MP5/CD/Cassette/gramophone record

Neil Young News: After several albums featuring single songs about the Incas, Neil has finally gone and written a full concept album about the epoch, inspired by his travels there. As well as re-recordings of ‘Inca Queen’ and ‘Like An Inca’ there’s a bonus ‘Pocahontas’ (‘Marlon Brando, Cleopatra, Winston Churchill, Harold Hadrada, Pocahontas and me’) and the new song ‘Thinking of Incas’. Neil being Neil, he’s already deep into his next album: ‘After The Goldrush’, recorded during the Goldrush!

Zigorous 3 vs The Earth All-Stars: This time around the charity-loving group of clandusprod aliens have aided the Earth by recording songs about the recent timey-wimey crisis, raising currency for the BoFace attempt to put the time streams right. The assorted members of groups from across the globe (and from all periods in time) tackle ‘Yesterday’ ‘Tomorrow When It Comes’ and ‘Same Time Next Year’, as well as that perennial hit ‘We are all one planet and we’re only eight million years apart’.

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A SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE STONE AGE (NOW MOVED TO LONDON):

UGG! This is Nog speaking to you with his chisel. Me no understand what strange hairless man say about world going boom but my pet mammoth explain to me. He say we have to chisel strange words into rocks we build for our multi-storey mammoth park at Stonehenge and think about them hard. Ugg! And feed mammoth lots of food from local mammoth supermarket he say. Me like chiselling. Me like rock music, man, even more even though dont sound like rocks. Me like rocks. Me like Beatles music too, on both a metaphysical and a spiritual layer and the way the metaphors in the music are overloaded with poignancy and descriptions of period life, full of symbiosis and Caledonian cadences. Ugg me take records back with me to play later as Frisbees. Me say bye-bye now. Ugg say bye-bye too. Mammoth say feed me and good bye. Mammoth have mammoth appetite. Ha ha ha. Me make joke. Nog like jokes. Nog over and out. Nog gone, man, solid gone. Ugg!

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ANNIVERSARIES: Let’s bang those birthday rocks together and bring the dark ages back into the light by celebrating the following AAA birthdays: Ronnie Lane (bassist with the Small faces 1965-68) born April 1^st 1946;  Karen the Clandusprod (the Clandsprods, born in the 87^th time of qaural), Urrg and Yarg (50,000 BC) and Spencer Dryden (drummer with Jefferson Airplane 1967-70) born April 7^th 1938. Anniversaries of events this week: April 4^th 1964 saw the Beatles fill the first five places in the American top 100 – still a record, 61 years on!; April 5^th saw Oliver Cromwell’s Puritans outlawing all music on their continent apart from the Spice Girls, April 6^th  2020 saw the first concert by the Ewok Ninjas, the same day in 2022 saw the first gold disc by the Austounders, rhythm washboard player Quizzar Rosenden joins The Clandusprods in 2016, Queen Elizabeth releases the all-time worst selling album ‘The Virgin Queen’ on Richard Branson’s new record label   and finally the same day again sees the key departures of no less than 3 AAA luminaries:  Syd Barrett leaves Pink Floyd in 1968, Pete Quaife leaves The Kinks in 1969 and Indizzistrick Garstang leaves The Ewok Ninjas in 2020 (Earth Dating).

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(A SPECIAL REPORT FROM ANCIENT GREECE – NOW CONTEMPORARY GREECE!)

Hello to all readers everywhere, whatever your age, creed, colour, class or period of upbringing. We Greeks are delighted to be meeting so many new life-forms from our base in, er, Greece (bet you didn’t see that coming!) and the implications of this time-travel experiment for the philosophers of our age and outlook. We have even befriended the Trojans after so many centuries of unwelcomed war, thanks to the efforts of our fortune teller Cressida, who warned them all that this day was coming (or not coming, if you follow me) and they understand our way of life much better than some of these others (I had the misfortune to visit the land of the 21^st century once. Strange, very strange, especially the way that an unelected leader could seize control of Britain despite not actually winning a majority of the vote in 2010 – what a barbaric time that must have been!)

By Zeus, I haven’t had a chance to introduce myself yet have I? My name is Copertotle, Greek Scribe and thinker and I have been elected democratically to talk to you all about how we supposedly ‘Ancient’ (though at the time we used the word ‘modern’) Greeks intend to put things right. Our new friends the Trojans have given us a wooden horse to cement our friendship, blooming great big thing it is too, and we have chosen that as our monument to stare at when the great day comes round to go back to our time. Oh, what a day of splendour it shall be, though we hope we can retain memories of all our fellow travellers lost in this tumble-down world when we return to our own time.

I’ve also been asked to speak a little about the music we have enjoyed from other cultures. We were pleased to hear some of what was whimsically called ‘The Summer Of Love’ (ahem, I think we invented that in 300BC, not that we called it BC back then of course!), with songs based on freedom, understanding of other cultures and, ahem, sticking it to the man. We were especially delighted to discover the high flying antics of Jefferson Airplane who, like our own Icarus, often fly too close to the sun and melt when their jam sessions get out of hand but are otherwise as brave and as proud as we all hope to be.

Well, I seem to have run out of parchment so I shall hand you back to the newsletter. Remember, go forth valiantly and with democracy in your heart and our troubles soon shall pass. I shall now have a deep thought about life before the great chiselling commences! Peace and love! Copertotle xx

The Byrds

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“Sing Byrd”

(out now on Mediocre Medival Records)

When William Byrd, born circa 1540, laid down his quill that last time he thought that was it for his musical career. Not so, because now 60s legends The Byrds have reunited just to work with the English Renaissance composer. Under Byrd’s supervision the band have re-recorded several classics in Renaissance style including, most obviously, ‘Renaissance Fair’ but also ‘Mr Harpsichord Man’ and ‘Eight Miles Wide (because I’ve just had a banquet with Henry VIII)’. The result is a work that finds The Byrds going in a rather puzzling direction after all those space-age forward looking pieces of the past but is worth owning just for ‘So You Want To Be A Court Composer Rock ‘n’ Roll Star’ alone. Quite what Byrd made of the country-rock jig ‘The Bristol Tugboat Convention Blues’ is also anyone’s guess. Well, it makes one hell of a lot more sense than the ‘Byrds Sing Dylan’ album I suppose! In other news, look out for Johnny Rogan’s 5^th version of his definitive Byrds biography ‘Timeless Flight’, which now runs up to an impressive 38,000 pages after new interviews with previously-deceased members Gram Parsons and Gene Clark.

The Moody Blues

“The Madrigal Moody Blues”

(coming soon on ‘Threshold Of A Civlization’ Records)

When The Moody Blues recorded their album ‘Every Good Boy Deserves Favour’ they tried to re-create the sound of a civilization moving forward instrument by instrument, from stone age drumming to harpsichords and space-age sounds. If only they’d waited 50 years they could have done it for real – and that’s just what they’ve done on the opening track of their new record! For the  most part, though, these are new songs written in the Madrigal style (ie unaccompanied part-songs), something which really suits the Moodies style. Best of all, the band have gone back to working with an orchestra, with the links conducted and composed by Gustav Holst. ‘I’m just a minstrel in a madrigal band’ is a modern-day classic (in as much as the word ‘modern’ means anything any more!) and ‘Tuesday Afternoon In The Dark Ages’ is a wonderful piece of Moodies angst. The highlight, however, is the one re-recording of the album ‘(K)nights In White Satin’, as re-recorded with a bunch of King Arthur’s Round Table Coalition (incidentally, did you hear the fuss when King Arthur said that Camelot was really based in Skelmersdale and that its gone downhill in the past thousand years?!) Look out for the band’s next record, a re-recording of ‘To Our Children’s Children’s Children’ with every single member of the Moodies’ family tree on vocals and recorded in space with the Apollo astronauts and Holst re-writing his ‘Planets’ suite (there’s an especially moving re-writing of ‘I never thought I’d live to be 10 Billion’).

The Rolling Stones and The Cavemen

“Let’s Rock!”

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The Stones have recorded an awful lot of live records over the years (apparently its 352 by the end of their discography in the year 2525) but this might be one of the very best, with rock and roll taken right back to its roots – no, not the 1950s but 50,000 BC! Urrg and Yargle have been hailed by later civilisations as the long-lost ancestors of rock and their stone-bashing adds a real grunt and groove into the Stones’ repertoire. Of course there was that awful accident when the cavemen were told to ‘bash stones together’ and started hitting Mick and Keef but that aside this is a friendly little album, full of cross-pollination. The band even recorded part of the backing with Brian Jones’ beloved Pan-Pipes of Aujoukou! The highlight is undoubtedly ‘I Won’t Get Any Satisfaction For The Next 55,000 years’ , as well as the duet with miss Seymour on ballad ‘Lady Jane’ and ‘19^th Nervous Breakdown’ with Sigmund Freud. Rocking!

Spice Girls

“The Opera”

(out now on ‘Stick Some Boulders In Yer Ears’ Records)

What’s the most unpleasant musical experience you can have in one lifetime? Well, hot on the heels of the ‘We’ve Got Grandkids’ duet album by Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga comes this monstrosity which should come with a health warning to all time zones. Four hours of warbling for no apparent reason, with choreographed kung-fu tramp kicking and zig-a-zig-ah choruses, this is truly the worst thing ever since The Spice Girls recorded a Beatles covers album (in 2345!)

Unbelievably there were serious plans to make a musical out of the Spice Girls’ music in the 21^st century, but this project is so much worse I don’t know where to begin. Made with the backing of Richard Wagner, this is some sort of a sequel to the Ring Cycle based on Lord of the Rings and features lots of shots of New Zealand as well as the Spice Girls dressed as Brun-Hilda (Justin Bieber makes a great hobbit in a guest appearance too). Amazingly it’s even worse than I make that sound, hence such awful lines as: ‘You’ve got to swing it, shake it, move it, baby, who do you think you are? We’ve got a premonition of coalition demolition in the kitchen with no ambition, you know how good we aren’t! Spice up your life!”

Our leaders of all time-zones have been looking for a way to prove that evolution means we get better with each generation of the species. That’s clearly a lie based on this record and all of civilisation will probably grind to an uncomfortable halt any day now. Somehow this record still manages to improve on both the ‘Ring Cycle’ and ‘Lord Of The Rings’ however. 

A SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE EGYPTIAN AGE (NOW MOVED TO GERMANY):

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Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your laptops! We at the Boface Time Experiments are terribly sorry for the mess we seem to have caused to the time-space continuum! We thought we knew what we were but doing but, hey, we can’t always be right guys can we? I mean look at the Hadron Collider and the destruction that caused to the Earth before the heroic Brian Cox managed to turn it off (before telling us the 15 other ways we were likely to die!) I’m sure it’s all their fault really you know and not ours at all. But it’s not all been that bad has it?! I mean granted, many of you have been forcibly ejected into time-zones you never wanted to be in, ancient plagues have killed half the world’s population, the planet is currently groaning because of holding more species than it’s ever had before and old enemies and battles once fought long ago seem to have started up again but, well, you have to laugh don’t you? Ha-har ha-har ha-har! Ha-har ha-har ha-har, err, ha!

And the music of course – don’t forget the music! How great it’s been to see so many of our chief sponsor Alan’s Album Archive bands back together again after all these years away! The Beatles performing on Marco Polo’s ‘roof of the world’ and The Bayeux Beach Boys at the Battle of Hastings – classic! And how wonderful to see performances by musicians who died several centuries before our births – I mean, did you ever think Beethoven would hang out with the rappers or that Clementi was secretly yearning to be in a boy band?!

We hope that, in years to come, time travel will become as normal as current past-times like walking, eating, hang-gliding and tickling pet argibraffes (that joke’s for you 25^th century guys!) despite the slight, err, technical hitch we’ve been having. And apparently one day we do actually manage to travel safely in time – just ask the guys in the 22^nd century what fun they had in the future (or are going to have in the future – tenses tend to get kind of messed up with time travel!)

Usually at this point we try to hold a competition –something that seems a bit difficult seeing as there are now inhabitants on the Earth from every sector in time and it’s impossible to give you a question that somebody won’t be able to answer! But what the hell we’ve decided to give you one anyway: simply give us the answer to this simple joke: ‘Doctor Doctor I feel like a Clandusprod! What should I do?’

Remember, time travel is cooler than a clandusprod at Christmas and YOUR support and contributions make time travel possible. Thanks again!

Dr Zeus (Still no relation)

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A SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE ROMAN ERA (NOW MOVED TO SOUTH AMERICA)

My name is Alanus Maximus Deridius, father to a woe-be-gotten son, owner of a becursed singing dog and emperor to a forgotten kingdom overwrought with ewok ninja invaders. I speak to you in this newsletter using technology that seems to me to displease the Gods but I am at least pleased to see you have named a writing font after our glorious empire (though what a ‘Times New’ is I do not know). I use this curious speaking device to harangue whichever blind fool gave our glorious civilisation the backwaters that are South America to live in – this land did not exist in our day when there were dragons at every corner of the globe and is too backward for the makings of a decent empire! And I put a curse on the organisers who gave the land of Cuba to our dreaded enemies the Gauls so that their cursed bodies have all risen from the graves once more and taunt us from our borders. We Romans feel it would be much better if we were allowed out of our sector zone to bring civilisation to those most savage of countries we had met on our travels (Stone Age Britons, Middle Ages  Russia, 20th and 21^st Century France, etc), as led by our glorious bloodthirsty commander  Davidus Cameronus and his slave Nick Clegg, so that they may join us in great union and pledgeful bounty.

I’ve also been asked to speak a few words about Roman music tastes for this heinous piece of parchment. Frankly, music should be used for troops in battle and for re-counting war stories, not treated as spiritual awakenings like the sissy Ancient Greeks and the 20^th century punks. Shudder, we heard some atrocious rot called ‘psychedelia’ not long ago and it was the worst thing we’d heard since a bard who used to play in a village in Gaul over-run with magic potion. Send these people to the gladiator’s arena, then we’ll see what they’re made of – literally when they’re fed to the lions ha ha (we had a great time beheading that tribe of Health and Safety officials who came along to tell us off for holding them! Mmm Tasty!) That said, we love the music of the Alan’s Archives band The Hollies and their exquisite album Romany, which we claim for our civilisation – and we dare anyone to take it away from us!

We want our Roman Empire back (before the decline and fall, preferably – luckily we’ve read up on what happens so we can avoid it next time) and will do whatever it takes to see us returned to our proper place as builders of civilisation, so have sent our best slaves out to scalp these strange letters  you tell us about into the side of Hadrian’s Wall mark #2. Now begone, scribe Spartacus, before you feel the

Guess ‘who’ we’re still sponsoring? That’s right – Doctor Who!

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Yes, even though we’re still being investigated by the ‘crimes against time’ committee, we’ve been allowed to continue our sponsorship of the world’s most popular science-fiction programme. After Star Trek. And Star Wars. And Stargate. And lots of others.

Anyway, I digress, this latest series will be a bit – err – unusual, because we’ve discovered that legally all 12 doctors are still under contract and we’ve had to make episodes for each of them! On the plus side, though, we do get to feature guest appearances by lots of real figures from across time (though sadly Genghis Khan has had to be written out after he unwisely challenged Hitler and Hannibal to a fight in prison). There are lots of other big names getting involved, however: here’s a run-down of what you can expect from each episode in the new series:

The new series begins with “The Vikings”, with the first Doctor William Hartnell and companions Ian, Barbara and Vicki meeting up with Ethelred the Average, an explorer who firmly believes that there are still new worlds out there for his kind to explore. After a long impassioned speech about not changing anything in the time zones they are in, the Doctor gets involved anyway and saves the day. Look out for an appearance by the Meddling Monk (who is out of a job now that all of time is happening at once and he can’t sell inventions to different time zones) and a return of the doctor’s ‘atmospheric density jackets’ (ie anoraks) and the space-time visualiser showing scenes from the past seemingly at random (which is basically just BBC4).(Quote: ‘What have you been up to now then, hmm? Who do you think you are – one of the Meddling Monk-ees?!’)

Patrick Troughton stars in second story “The Power Assaistor”, along with companions Jamie and Zoe, which features the Ice Warriors invading a base full of scientists in the future who have met to consider impending climate change. The Ice Warriors are particularly opposed to global warming and try to cause another ice age by voting for Sarah Palin, but the doctor manages to beat them all politically with the aid of Obama, a recorder and a stove-pipe hat. (Quote: ‘When I say hobble, hobble...blimey the years have taken their toll on us Jamie!’)

Jon Pertwee then stars in “The Coalition Of Peladon”, set 500 years after the Doctor’s last appearance on the planet when the evil two-headed monster CameronandClegg has cut the planet’s welfare system budget and caused riots. I don’t want to give too much away but the monster turns out to be working for...The Master! (To be fair it’s not much of a giveaway, every 3^rd Dr story involved the Master somewhere!) The Doctor gets to kung-fu kick a jobcentre advisor while rescuing Jo Grant, which is very satisfying for our 21^st century residents who saw unemployment figures rise to 93% . (Quote: ‘I remember saying to Winnie and Napoleon over dinner – don’t be too hastings, that’s one in the eye for Harold!’)

Tom Baker’s adventure “The Pyramids Of Death” features the long-awaited return of Egyptian Alien God Sutekh, who brings his ‘gift of death’ to Gallifrey (which still exists, by the way!)  Unfortunately for him both Romanas are still on the planet and manage to send a distress call to the Doctor who manages to do something complicated with a bag of jelly babies and K9. Shock, horror, is Borusa, the Doctor’s old teacher, a traitor? Erm yes, just like he was in his last four appearances! (Quote: ‘Stand back or I’ll make this deadly jelly baby destroy the limits of space and time – oh, someone’s beaten me to it, that’s disappointing!’)

Meanwhile Pete Davison’s doctor stars in “Strictly Come Snaking”, the long awaited third part in the ‘Mara’ snake series. A garish brightly-coloured and very 1980s world has come under an evil influence and only the Doctor and companions can stop it – by letting Tegan shout at it and watching the Tardis crew please the judges! (Quote: ‘You need to free your mind, Tegan, ignore what the Strictly judges are trying to tell you and concentrate on your dancing – life as we know it depends on your foxtrot and cha-cha-cha!’)

Colin Baker’s episode is “The Sontaron Stuarts” and features Commander Lynx Aftershave posing as Charles 1st during the English Civil War and the shape-changing Rutans as Roundheads. What will happen when the Sontaron is sent to the block and reveals his true form? And will the civil war ever get back to being civil?! (Quote: ‘I know you’ve been whisked out of time, forced through a sewer and a ventilation shaft before breakfast and you’ve been engaged to a bug-eyed monster twice, but stop moaning Peri – things could be much worse!’)

Sylvester McCoy stars in “The Greatest Car-Show In The Galaxy”, one of many 7^th Dr episodes to feature completely mis-cast guest stars when the presenters of Top Gear feature. Jeremy Clarkson says that the ‘Whomobile’ ‘squirms like Margaret Thatcher at Woodstock’ whilst Richard Hammond gets to drive Bessie at 300 miles an hour and James May declares of the evil villainous shape-shifter at the heart of the story ‘it’s the work of the devil!’ The whole episode ends when their identities are re-written by a giant explosion – though whether it’s caused by Ace’s nitro-9 or the Top Gear team accidentally setting alight to things again is sadly unexplained. (Quote: ‘It’s bigger on the inside you say? ‘Tis the work of the devil!’)

Paul McGann gets only his second episode on television and, as planned had his period of Dr Who gone on to a series, it’s a re-make of ‘The Web Planet’. Anthony Hopkins stars as the 10-foot talking Menoptera butterfly alongside Martin Jarvis reprising his role as Hilio, Laurence Olivier as a Zarbi and Judi Dench as a Venom Grub. The Doctor saves everyone by opening the eye of the Tardis and passionately kissing whichever companion he happened to have with him that week.(‘Come here butterfly, I fancy a gratuitous kiss for no apparent reason except that this series is being made for an American audience’)

“The Slitheen Of Sherwood Forest” is Christopher Eccleston’s episode, which sees Rose captured by the evil sheriff of Nottingham (played with no acting ability whatsoever by David Cameron as part of his inter-galaxy community service in causing the ‘great recession depression’ of the 21^st century). The Doctor has to side with the bandits and debate with the slitheen over how they shouldn’t feel ostracised by their own species because ‘all planets have a North!’ The doctor then has to defeat their allies – the frightening burping wheely bins! Legend has it the slitheen were originally cast to play Oliver Cromwell, but the show was cancelled because they didn’t have enough warts. (Quote: ‘Farting babies – in Sherwood Forest! Fantastic!’)

David Tennant is up next for “The Formula One”, when all the grand prix drivers from history get together for a quiet drive in the country. However the Cybermen have mis-heard this as ‘the formula one’, a potion that will allow the cybermen to turn all of mankind into slaves. Cue lots of running down corridors, while Donna moans about how slow the Tardis is before the Doctor rescues everyone with some clever ‘timey-wimey’ stuff. Tennant gets to crack the ultimate Dr Who joke when he turns to a Ferrari driver and says ‘Alonsy Alonso!’ (Quote: ‘What does this psychic paper say then? Crumbs, apparently it’s just told them I’m Bernie Ecclestone’s grandmother. Err, that’s going to take some explaining isn’t it?)

Matt Smith stars in “The Bible Code”, a thrilling but controversial two-parter that involves the Doctor, Amy and River Song trying to visit all the people mentioned in the Bible and find the truth behind each story before the new sect of ‘Christian Daleks’ exterminate all non-believers on Earth. River even gets to say ‘hello Sweetie’ to Noah! This is, of course, all tied to a story arc that was set up 15 years ago when the 11^th Dr casually mentioned that he was the real Moses and parted the red sea with his sonic screwdriver before being hit by a thunderbolt! By the way, Rory sadly dies yet again at the end of this episode but don’t worry – he comes back as a voord in the next series, so we’re told! (Quote: I’m not a God! I won’t see what you’re up to! Honest! Well, actually I am something of an all-seeing entity. Well, a bit of an all-seeing entity. Well, I only pop in to see what you’re up to at weekends. And Mondays sometimes. They’re such boring days aren’t they, Mondays? Now where did I put my fez?’)

Finally, Bill Nighy (Dr 12) stars in the grand finale “Let Zygons Be Bygones” and features the Dr hunting for his grand-daughter Susan, played by Scarlett Johansson. Unfortunately she turns out to be a shape-shifter and is quickly revealed to be a Zygon! Look out for the great scene where the Zygons explain why they’re covered in spaghetti hoops (their scout materialised inside Morrison’s supermarket and took them to be some strange form of Earthling camouflage!) Will the Doctor and companions escape and save the day? Erm, yep they do apparently – we’ve had great trouble trying to get the people from the 25^th century to stop talking about the endings. Spoilers! (Quote: ‘My real name? Yes it is time to tell you at last. I was born Margery Slopbucket. Now do you see why I’ve never told anyone else my name?!’)

(Caption #15)

So there we have it, another thrilling season of drama, comedy and lots of running up and down corridors. In the words of the 9^th Doctor, ‘Fantastic!’

back of my sword! (Editor’s note: No, it isn’t him really – because I am the real Spartacus!)

HAIL! My name is Norman The Viking, explorer of new worlds and trader extraordinaire. Me and my friend Viking the Norman are thrilled to be speaking to all eras on this strange piece of paper. As sure as my beard tingles I am thrilled to be with you all and to spread love and harmony throughout the universe.

What’s that you say? You thought us Vikings were always raping and pillaging? No more than anyone else in our time zones – believe that and next you’ll start believing we really wear horns on our helmets! (It’s just not true guys, it was on QI and everything – now Stephen Fry, there’s a Viking after my own heart!)

No, we’re a sensitive lot us Vikings and we’ve been quite bruised by how later civilisations have portrayed us. I mean, we’re almost as outraged as the Scots depicted by Mel Gibson in the 20^th century  ‘Braveheart’ film (there was such an outcry when they showed the battle of Stirling Bridge – with no bridge – that half the audience died in the kerfuffle or so we’ve heard).

But we are grateful to the way our races have mixed if only so we can worship that great 20^th century band The Kinks. Now, when we’re off seeking new lands – and there’s a lot of them still to find when we get back home by the look of things – we often miss our homelands, our Village Greens, our Lolas and our Scandinavian-Waterloo Sunsets and we feel that Ray Davies plus his brother in arms comrade Dave have successfully captured much of what it means to be a Viking. I’ve just got hold of the Preservation Rock Opera and – sob – its making me cry. So well done Alan’s Album Archives for bringing us such happiness and tingly warm fuzzy feelings that make us think of kittens and puppies.

Of course our Gods also curse you and your Boface time experiments for the trouble you have caused  and, believe me, when Thor gets to hear about this (and has finished wrestling with the Roman, Greek and Christian Gods up there) he’ll be really mad, you heed our words. So much so that we’ve already chiselled your strange markings into one of our special long-boats and look forward to the day when we’ll be returned to our own time. Because, in the words of the genius that is Ray Davies, he really got us, all day and all of the night. This is Norman, over and out.

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(Caption #18)
Last issue, Nelson had left the Jefferson Airplane at a crossroads in their life, debating whether to carry on bringing groovy music to the masses – or give it up and just go speed-skating. This week, as our roving reporter celebrates his fifth year ‘out of time’ – still trapped in the ‘old dimensions’ of time before BoFace disrupted the space-time continuum -  he takes a peek at what really happened during that first fateful union of David Crosby, Stephen Stills and Graham Nash...

‘Jorma, seriously? Speed-skating more fun than rock and roll? What drugs are you on man?!’

‘Hey Grace, amazing...umm Amazing Grace hahaha...umm its amazing man, the rush you get and hey umm hey don’t get at me this is Jack’s idea too man.’

The bassist shrugs his shoulders.

‘And just where is this speed-skating going to take place?’

‘Europe, man!’

‘That’s a bit vague isn’t it?’

‘Well, that’s the answer we always give in interviews man’

‘And what are you staring at?’ Grace says as she turns to me.

‘Hey just a thought, rather than break the band up why don’t you record some joint albums with Paul for a bit and then, I dunno, reform the band with a similar name but a subtly different personnel. You might even want to give Marty a ring, see if he’s interested in joining again. You could call yourselves something like ‘Jefferson Bicycle’ or ‘Jefferson Hovercraft’ or-

‘Jefferson Starship?’

‘Yeah that would do, man.’ Just then I felt a familiar rush of pain and excused myself to run outside the backstage of the Winterland Arena.  EEEERRGGHHH, not again! Suddenly that familiar feeling overtook me and my body prepared to ‘go out of time’! My eyes spun, my head revolved at 33 1/3^rd revs per minute and my body imploded into a cacophony of sore limbs. Where was my monkeynuts editor sending me now I wondered? I just hoped it was somewhere quiet (that Grace Slick can really talk y’know!)

And there I was at a party. ‘Terrific!’ I thought to myself as I grabbed a bite to eat and looked down to see I was dressed in something similar to a tablecloth. I’d got used to my editor’s weird dress code by now so rather than get cross I looked for somewhere to sit.

I was clearly somewhere in California’s beautiful Laurel Canyon mountains, somewhere I’d visited recently when I hung out with assorted Monkees and Buffalo Springfielders at Peter Tork’s house. I couldn’t tell where I was this time though – it could have been anywhere, Joni Mitchell’s Living Room or Mama Cass’ kitchen, it was very hard  to tell. I settled in with small talk with a few people and mingled for an hour or so.

I soon noticed that the focus of attention was coming from three stoned hippies rolling around a rug and singing and laughing with each other. Or rather the two loud Americans with the long hair were singing and laughing – the other one, the tall slightly anaemic looking Englishman, had screwed his forehead up into a frown and was clearly trying to concentrate.

‘Alright, sing it another time for me you guys. And stop clowning. You’re just a troublemaker, no wonder they threw you out the Byrds.’ Said the third man, waggling his finger to his left before pointing at the figure on his right ...‘And you, so much for you being the leader!’ (‘But I thought we all are!’ is his gracious reply).

The three men pause for a moment, looked at each other and laughed again.

‘No wonder they call you guys ‘The Frozen Noses...’ said the one with the Mancunian accent ‘Sing it again!’

‘In the morning when you rise, do you think of me and how you left me smiling?...’

The sound was magical. It was traditional but new all at the same time, exhilarating, exciting, emotional, heavenly and with just the right tinge of melancholy and darkness. Suddenly it hit me! There I was watching the birth of Crosby, Stills and Nash right in front of my eyes. Already Nash was opening his mouth to join in and sing with Crosby and Stills and the sound all three made together was so absolutely mesmerising that all three men began to laugh again.

‘Nowaynowaynoway’ said Crosby

‘What the hell just happened?’ countered Stills.

‘What the hell do I do now?’ countered Nash, ‘You two are alright, you’re both out of a job, but me I’ve got a Hollies tour coming up in two weeks. A flipping cabaret date! Singing Puff The Magic Dragon for crying out loud!’

The room went quiet.

And then loud again when the recognisable figure of Mama Cass poked her head into the room.

‘That sounded nice boys. Hey perhaps we should have a Mamas and Papas reunion with the three of you instead of that tyrant John! Oh sorry’ she said noticing me in the corner’, ‘whose yer friend?’

‘He’s some hippy nut that thinks he’s from the 21^st century’ said Crosby. ‘Man, this stuff must be really good because I can’t for the life of me remember him arriving’.  

‘Nor me’ said Stills. ‘In fact I couldn’t even remember whose party we were at till I saw you’.

‘It’s not my party – its Joni’s, said Cass Elliott.

‘No – its yours’ says Joni Mitchell, sticking her head into the room, ‘At least I think it is, I can’t quite remember...’, her sentence spinning away into nothingness as her eyes meet Graham’s for the first time.

‘Nice vase’ she says to him and peering at what he’s clutching in his hands’, ‘it would look good in my house!’

‘Or our house...’ Graham mumbles to himself.

Everyone goes back to conversation and I start to thank my lucky stars they’ve forgotten about me, but no – suddenly Graham turns towards me and beckons me out of the door.

‘That sounded good, right?’ he demands. I study my shoes. Hmm, they’re multi-coloured I note to myself, how the hell did they tie-dye shoes in this era?

He carries on, ignoring my reticence. ‘I don’t know what to do, man. These guys – they’re egomaniacs, monsters, drug fiends, maniacs! If I was in a band with them, it wouldn’t last five minutes’ his arms are flung wildly round the air. ‘But so am I, man, I like maniacs. I belong here. This...’ as his arms sweep across the windowpane...’is my home. But I’ve got a , man. A tour. A family. A wife. She won’t want to come to live here, man. I’m not sure I do entirely, there’s that weird guy called Charlie living down the block who seems to be half-mad. But Hawaii’s nice. And I just love everything about this way of life. I’d be mad to go back to Manchester after this. I mean, look at the weather! All my ties are there but...oh God that music...and that music’s bigger than all of us, right? Or will I just be letting down all the people around me?’ He stares at me until I give an answer.

‘Do you know what, I think The Hollies will do OK without you’ I find myself suddenly saying. ‘Number ones and everything. Even beer commercials eventually. As for your family – they’ll come and visit. And you’ve got your eye on that singer-songwriter friend of Crosby’s right? She’s not moving to Manchester any time soon! If you want my advice go back, do the tour, say your goodbyes and work things out. You could even think of doing some of your songs from the ‘Butterfly’ album with a pre-recorded orchestra. But then come back.’

‘You seem to know an awful lot – and nobody else in Laurel Canyon seems to know about the Hollies, apart from Mama Cass. Are you a fan? Or what, man?’

‘I told you all earlier but you didn’t believe me. I’m a time traveller. From the 2020s.’

‘Hey, groovy, do we get to have peace with all nations by then or are we fighting for civilisation on our wooden sailing ships?’

I sigh, deciding not to spoil this warm sunny day’s permeating optimism with talk of the Coalition World Order.

‘Its all gonna be fine’, I say. ‘Especially for you. But there are times when it doesn’t seem as if its gonna be’.

He pulled a face. ‘You mean we break up, man?’

‘Yep. In 1970, 1971, 1974, 1976, 1978, 1979, 1983, 1985, 1994, 2000 and 2005. But you always get back together again. By the way, ever hear of a guy called Neil?’

‘Only some weird crazy friend of Stephen’s who quit his band in 1965, 1966, 1967 and 1968.’

‘Yep, that’s the one. You’ll be hearing from him again!’

‘Groovy’ he sighs, staring at the backs of David and Stephen and heads back over to them to join in the fun.

Suddenly, without warning, the glittering party lights darken, the room swims away from me and I take a last look at the three giggling musicians who are singing their own unique rendition of ‘Puff The Magic Dragon’. I only hope I have done some good. I have at least tried to do my job in this time zone. And then the lights swirl and I am on my way again...

A special report from the Texas Tudors and the San Francisco Stuarts:

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Why, hello there my liege! My name is Lord Prince Veseckian-Barkley-Seymour the third, but you can call me Charlie. Or Sir, depending on your station in life. I’ve been chosen to speak on behalf of my nation, partly because of my wonderful eruditeness and partly because there aren’t many Tudors who can actually write! (After all, what’s the point of educating people – they might start – gulp – thinking for themselves!)

What a bountiful experience being part of ye time travel experiment has beene! I’ve been overjoyed to mix with so many likeminded souls on God’s Earth and found so many ways of ruling people that I don’t know where to turn next! Remember you can follow me on Twitter at @tudortweets, peasants!

Now, where was I? Oh yes, I wanted to talk to you about the mud. Now, you might think it’s bad in my day, what with the rubbish strewn about the streets and no sewage system whatsoever, but that’s nothing compared to the mud and filth and grime I saw when I travelled over to the new Alan’s Album Archives-sponsored Glastonbury concerts (now in Switzerland). Wow I was messy when I got home! And how much for a burger – a groat each?! I ask you, this currency exchange network’s not working at all!

That said, I did enjoy the music. Me, I’m a Crazy Horse fan – I often listen to the band grooving away on their long epic guitar battles as my servants put my pantaloons on each day. Kind of makes you feel like an insignificant speck of dust their music, doesn’t it? As if I’m nobody, just a humble rich upper-class lord with a triple-barrelled surname, 1500 hectares of land and a heir to the throne. An absolute nobody! (Though not as much of a nobody as my servants, of course!)

Now, we’ve been told that we have to re-build one of our monuments and chalk some writing on it if we want to go home – frankly, we Tudors were a mighty bit concerned about this, both because we don’t actually have any lasting famous monuments (the Egyptians and Romans were better builders than us!) but also because we don’t want to go home – we like it here with so many advances in medicine and science (though the school and prison systems of other continents alarm us a bit – we say bring back hanging for every crime, no matter how slight!) In the end we decided to re-build a simple every-day run-of-the-mill Tudor cottage, one which was originally built as the Modern High House in that backwater part of Britain, Stafford. Hope that will do!

Well, must get back to my work! I’ve got a film-crew following me around for a Youtube exclusive later on this month and then, if I’m feeling generous, I might allow the pesants of the land their first meal this year! What a kind old Tudor Lord I am! Love and kisses L.P. V-B-S xxxx

MAX THE SINGING GOD AND FRIEND

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Woof! Woof! I’m Max The Singing Dog. You might know me from such Youtube videos as ‘Rock and Roll Is Good Time Music’ ‘Music Is Love’ ‘I Can Hear Music’ and ‘Music to celebrate the end of the Coalition’. Or at least you would know me if you come from an era that actually had the internet. By the way this is me with the celebrity ‘Lawrence (The Chimp) Of Arabia’, who looks a bit different to how I imagined him! In my travels round the world as it is now I’ve been nearly eaten by Stone Age Britons, turned into a celebrity by the Elizabethans of Sweden (where I have made my home) and hailed as a God by the Romans. Of course, it should be known by now that they are right. I am not just a Dog, I am a God.

And as your God I am here to listen to your many questions and answers. And what a varied bunch I’ve had this week from all corners of the world – clearly the recent destruction of time and the world as we know it has been on your mind a lot this month! Remember, I will try to answer almost anything if you send in your questions to the usual address: Max’s Palace Of Bones, SingingDogVille, New New York New York, Sweden. 

“Dear Max, I am a simple humble peasant working multi-hour days for the sheer privilege of making money for the ruling classes. I have no proper health care or welfare system, like other more enlightened times, those who seek power all come from the same small pool of upper-class families, we are not allowed to protest or riot and all my rights have slowly been taken away without anyone noticing. Please tell me what I should do about it!” Worried, of the 21^st Century

Dear Worried, I come from the same time-zone as you so I feel your pain. There’s not much we can do about it except learn a thing or two from the French Revolution (now re-located to Abyssinia) and borrow a guillotine or two when we return to our own times.

‘Dear Max, will there ever be a Beatles reunion now that all of time has come to a standstill?’ Patrick Stewart

Dear Patrick, well The fab four might well ‘boldy go’ back into the recording studio we can exclusively reveal, possibly by stardate 2111, although at the moment Ringo’s the sticking point as he says he likes it rather too much in Medieval Monaco to go back to Abbey Road (now underwater). How’s your final front ear by the way?

‘Dear Max, Oliver Cromwell has just cancelled the latest AAA-sponsored Glastonbury festival. What should I do?’ Roger Roundhead

Dear Roger, he’s just a boring old puritan in need of a good time – why not break into his house when he’s away butchering innocent peasants in Ireland, re-decorate his rooms for him and lend him some disco music? Sorted!

‘Dear Max, my house has been invaded by ewok ninjas. Should I call in the exterminators?’ David Tennant

 Dear David, no as you know only too well you shouldn’t call the Daleks in because they tend to get out of control! Play some Spice Girls music instead and they’ll soon leave of their own accord and/or start up their own Twitter accounts!

‘Dear Max, how the heck are they going to sort out the Olympic Games now that athletes from every point in time can compete?’ Yours, Mr Shotput and friends

Dear Shotty, we can’t, but then it won’t make any difference to us – we never win anyway, whatever time stream we’re in. And who the hell thought putting an expensive Olympic Games on at a time when our country has no money and the amount spent on fireworks could feed and shelter all out homeless for a decade was a good idea? What really? It’s David Cameron’s fault again? No way!

‘Dear Max, I used to know you when you were a puppy! I find this world I’m living in to be very untidy. Any idea of how to stop this cleaning obsession I have?’ Ste Fitzpatrick

Dear Ste, I vaguely remember you, you must be pretty darn old by now. I’m sorry to hear you still clean everything in sight – do you still hoover at 4am for no apparent reason? My advice to you is to get a Womble and then you’ll understand how problematic obsessive cleaning can be! Yours with a feather duster in each paw, Max

(Caption #21) (Caption #22)

YE OLDE ALAN’S ALBUM ARCHIVES – A WEBSITE WORTH SINGING ABOUT!

(A SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE 20^TH CENTURY)

Hello there, I’ll just turn my hoover off a second...Yes, I’m Ste Fitzpatrick, father to the future saviour of mankind and head of Coalition rebel forces Michael apparently, but that’s all to come in the future. What a nice surprise that’ll be! Apparently he is always right in every conversation we will have in the future, so I must remember to bow to his greater knowledge at every possible opportunity! At the moment he’s living in ancient Japan (now moved to Holland) under the code-name ‘Boface’ and has his own Samauri energy blade!

However that’s all in the future. For the moment I am your representative of the 20^th century, selected at random from the long list of people who were there. Just think, they could have had JFK, they could have had Winston Churchill, they could have Michael Jackson. And instead you got me. What a treat for you all! And what a treat the 20^th century was – we had the Everton football team, the Banana Splits on telly, Stephen King wrote loads of great novels and there were cleaning implements to buy by the bucketload - literally! The only thing lacking in my life was a singing dog that plays ‘New York, New York’ but apparently I’m getting one of those too soon. Happy days!

Anyway, I’ve had a word with the Time Travel Team and they say that they’ve had a word with NASA to colonise the moon (it’s looking a bit red to me!) and they’ll do their best to stick a little ole yellow flag there with the magic words ‘Alan’s Album Archives’ on it for all of 20^th century people to think about when the time comes for the big day. There, that wasn’t so hard was it? No re-building Stonehenge for us!

We’ve also been asked a little bit about our music tastes, which seems a bit daft considering that the best of the 20^th century has already been covered by this witty, erudite, wonderful, entertaining, intelligent newsletter, so I’ll just plug the Stiff Little Fingers and The Coral as well! My favourite AAA band is clearly Max Ye Singing Dog and I can’t wait to own one of my very own.

Well, I think that’s about everything from the past/future. Sorry, must dash. I’ve just spotted a bit of the floor that needs cleaning and I must go out soon to raid the pic and mix at the Aztec Asda! Terra!

(Caption #23) (Caption #24)
ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL, EXCEPT WHEN THE COALITION COMES TO CALL! WHEN THE RICH THEY HAVE A BALL, THEY MAKE OUTLAWS OF US ALL

A PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST BY THE MUSKETEER GROUP

(Caption #25)

 (SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE SECOND HALF OF THE 21^ST CENTURY)

Ugg! This is Worg speaking with his chisel! Me  no understand what strange hairless man say though he sounds like the men my grandparents told us about, when civilisation meant warmth and shelter and kindness, not the destruction we have seen under Lord Cameron and the Coalition Government.

We have lost the ability to build but have written these strange words on a piece of rock in readiness of the time when we can leave this stinking mess of rubble behind and get back to our own stinking mess of rubble. Ha! Ha! Me make joke! Worg likes jokes! Me like rock music too, we especially dig The Who, man! OK, we say bye bye now – see you soon (some of you sooner than others if you’re adding this in the 21^st century!) Urrg!

(Caption #26)

BUY YOUR VERY OWN PARANOID ANDROID! CHEAP FROM ALAN’S ALIEN ARCHIVES!

News just in: we must be able to go back to our own times after all! One of the 27^th century inhabitants (in Greenland) has just discovered he time-travelled clutching proof of the first ever web-page, created back in 1992 and look: evidence that Alan’s Album Archives really has been around forever:-

The WorldWide Web (AAA3) is a wide are hypermedia information retrieval initiative

The WorldWideWeb (W3) is a wide-area hypermedia information retrieval initiative aiming to give universal access to a large universe of documents.

Everything there is online about W3 is linked directly or indirectly to this document, including an executive summary of the project, Mailing lists , Policy , November's W3 news , Frequently Asked Questions .

What's out there?

Pointers to the world's online information, subjects , W3 servers, etc.

Help

on the browser you are using

Software Products

A list of W3 project components and their current state. (e.g. Line Mode ,X11 Viola , NeXTStep , Servers , Tools , Mail robot , Library )

Technical

Details of protocols, formats, program internals etc

Bibliography

Paper documentation on W3 and references.

People

A list of some people involved in the project.

History

A summary of the history of the project.

How can I help ?

If you would like to support the web..

Getting code

Getting the code by anonymous FTP , etc.

http://info.cern.ch/hypertext/WWW/TheProject.html,

Websites likely to take over the world as we know it and responsible for getting us back to our proper time-zones after destroying time and civilisation:

                www.alansalbumarchives.moonfruit.com

For this issue instead of having one guest columnist give us their ‘top ten records’ we decided to ask as many celebrities we could find what their favourite pieces of music were (and we mean real celebrities by the way, not those featured on the ‘X’ Factor or, indeed, Henry VIII’s remake ‘The Axe Factor’). Please note – we were due to interview Christopher Columbus but he accidentally got himself lost in our broom cupboard and thought he’d found a new land – perhaps we can interview him next issue?  So, step into the spotlight please our first guest:

(Caption #26)

Name: King Ugg (pictured here with family) (40,000-39,961 BC)

Background: Unelected Head of Coalition Tribe (um Conservatives and um liberals)

Residence: Stone Age London (Rockingham Palace)

Musical Tastes: ‘Rock’ music, lots of drumming on stone

Favourite AAA band: Sabre-Tooth Tiger Stevens

Favourite saying: ‘Ugg! Yag! Ogg! Oogle!”

(Caption #27)

Name: Noah (28,032-27,963 BC)

Background: Once saved the planet Earth from destruction; now an umbrella salesman

Residence: Atlantis

Musical Tastes: Wet Wet Wet

Favourite AAA Band: Godley and Creme (and everyone else two-by-two); The Animals

Favourite Saying: “Nice weather for ducks” “Think I might need an umbrella”

(Caption #28)

Name: Julius Caesar (‘Julie’ at weekends) (100-44BC)

Background: Ruler of all he surveys

Residence: The Roman Baths (Formerly The White House)

Musical Tastes: Wagner, battle chants

Favourite AAA Band: Simon and Garfunkel

Favourite Saying: ‘Rome actually was built in a day, so our councils have no excuse!”

(Caption #29)

Name: Cleopatra (‘Cleo’ for short) (69-30 BC)

Background: Ruler of Egypt, currently head of asp and goat’s milk export industries

Residence: Ancient Germany

Musical tastes: Adores Shirley Bassey and Cher

Favourite AAA band: Grateful Dead

Favourite Saying: ‘Cleopatra’s Coming at ya!”

(caption #30)

Name: Sir Walter Raleigh (1554-1618)

Background: Was great explorer but now the world has been navigated has become director of Raleigh mountain bike shop

Residence: Tudors in Texas

Musical Tastes: Mud

Favourite AAA Band: The Searchers

Favourite Saying: “Ho! Ho! Ho! Bonk – sorry that wasn’t a saying, it’s just that my head’s fallen off again!”

(Caption #31)

Name: Captain Kidd (1645-1701)

Background: Renowned pirate long before Johnny Depp

Residence: The Channel Islands

Musical Tastes: Gory sea shanties

Favourite AAA Band: The Byrds (‘Jack Tarr The Sailor’), owns a parrot nicknamed Jim McGuinn

Favourite Saying (to parrot): “Oo-arr Jim Lad! Oo-ar ye Scurvy swabs! Oo-ar Daily Star! Oo-ar  now me back’s gone!”

(Caption #32)

Name: George Washington (1732-1799)

Occupation: President (then); unemployed (now)

Current Residence: Belarus (home Of Presidents)

Musical Tastes: I love anything from the summer of love – peace, man!

Favourite AAA Band: The Monkees, I just love them!

Favourite Saying: “America – nice idea but got way out hand!”

(Caption #33)

Name: Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

Occupation: Ruler of a glorious empire (then), sales assistant at shorty’s clothing (now)

Current Residence: Mount Elba (Curses! Not again!)

Musical Tastes: Something mad, French and highly depressing – Jacques Brel as sung by Scott Walker!

Favourite AAA Band: Something mad, French and highly depressing – The Beach Boys!

Favourite Saying: “I invented Napoleon brandy! Not tonight Jopeshine – I’m staying in to watch an omnibus of Beatles films on telly! Woop woop!”

(caption #34)

Name: Queen Victoria (1819-1901)

Occupation: Queen; layabout

Current Residence: Outer Mongolian Victorian Era

Musical Tastes: Anything deadly serious!

Favourite AAA Band: I hate them all! Especially 10cc – we are definitely not amused! Off with their heads!

Favourite Saying “Off with your head!”  “We are not amused” “Bah! Humbug!”

(caption #35)

Name: Captain Buzz Blackhole (2037-2199)

Current Residence: Alan’s Album Archives Space Centre, Zigorous 3

Musical Tastes: Something space age

Favourite AAA bands: The Moody Blues (first in space!); Pink Floyd

Favourite Saying: ‘To Infinity – and straight back again. I’ve forgotten my mp5 player!”

(Caption #36)

Coming in next week’s issue (if we’re all still here!):

Spotlight on the year 2525: Were Zager and Evans right?

William The Conqueror is our celebrataire in a reasonably priced chair

There’s a top 5 of concerts to see in the Middle Ages

Plus we feature a review of the new duets album between Dusty Springfield and the Buffalo Springfield

And more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**********************

Ps no I am Spartacus. Really, I am!

(caption #36)
WOW! IT WORKED! WE’VE JUST HAD WORD THAT THE TIME STREAM SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN PUT BACK TOGETHER AGAIN AND LIFE CAN GO BACK TO NORMAL! WE’RE EXPECTING THE CHANGE BACK ANY DAY NOW, SO SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR ANCESTORS AND SUCCESSORS WHILE YOU CAN! SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE (IF YOU COME FROM AN AGE WITH THE INTERNET ANYWAY!) THIS IS ALAN’S ALBUM ARCHIVES OVER AND OUT! P.S. APPARENTLY A SIDE EFFECT OF THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE WE ACCIDENTALLY CREATED IS THAT ONE OF THESE NEWSLETTERS WILL STILL EXIST IN OUR NEW FUTURE, HAVING BEEN SENT DOWN A WORMHOLE, A BLACK HOLE AND A TIME VORTEX. MOST PEOPLE WILL PROBABLY DISMISS IT AS JUST A SOMEWHAT WORDY PRACTICAL JOKE PUBLISHED ON APRIL FOOL’S DAY, BUT WE ALL KNOW BETTER, DON’T WE READERS?!

WELL THAT’S ENOUGH NEWS, VIEWS AND MUSIC FOR NOW – JOIN US NEXT ISSUE FOR MORE FROM EVERYONE’S FAVOURITE MONKEYNUTS NEWSLETTER, ONLY AT ALAN’S ALBUM ARCHIVES!!!

A complete collection of April Fool’s Day Columns (Plus Other Bits and Pieces):

#1 (published 2009, set in 2034): http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2009_03_29_archive.html

#2 (published 2010, set in 2110): http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_03_28_archive.html

#3 (published 2011, set in 2026): http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2011_03_27_archive.html

#4 ('Swedish Elizabethan' edition, published 2012, set in a timeless universe): http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2012_04_01_archive.html

#5 ('Max's Space Museum' edition, published 2013, set in 7114): http://www.alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/news-views-and-music-issue-7114-maxs.html

#6 (Max's Scrapbook' edition, published 2014 set in 2099):

http://www.alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/max-dogs-picture-book-news-views-and.html and http://www.alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/max-dogs-picture-book-part-two-news.html

#7 ('Multiverse with famous authors writing for the AAA' edition, published and set in 2015)

http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2015_03_29_archive.html

#8 ('The Story and Discography of Pixie Drainpipe', published 2016, set in 5838)

http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.com/2016/04/april-fools-day-2016-pixie-drainpipe.html

#9 (‘All Hail President Bingo!’, published 2017, set in 2020) https://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2017/04/april-fools-day-2017-all-hail-president.html

#10 (‘Spice Up Your Life!!!’,  published and set in 2018) https://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.com/2018/04/april-fools-day-2018-spice-up-your-life.html

#11 (‘Brexit Maxit and Farewell’, published 2019, set in 2029) https://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.com/2019/04/april-fools-day-brexit-maxit-special.html

Special Editions:

Compilation Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_04_25_archive.html

Solo Album Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_08_08_archive.html

Live Album Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2010_09_19_archive.html

Book Special: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2012_07_01_archive.html

DVD Special: http://www.alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/news-views-and-music-issue-176-aaa-dvds.html

Every Single AAA Studio and Solo Release in Chronological Order: http://alansalbumarchives.blogspot.co.uk/2015/01/revised-article-every-single-aaa-album.html